‘I asked Finn once what Seelie meant,’ I say. ‘He said that it felt like the first day of summer holidays.’
‘That’s the feeling,’ she says. ‘Aunt Rosie would take walking me into the bush, and then she would get me to talk. About me at first, but the conversation would always circle around to the same topic. She’d ask about you and Cardy and Marie and Finn, and how you were, and what you were doing, and if you were safe. She was always worried about if you were safe. And every year she would ask me who was shining the brightest. That phrase, every time. Which one of you was shining the brightest?’
‘When did you realise? That something wasn’t right?’
‘I think I always knew, deep down, but it took me a hell of a long time to admit it.’ She kicks at a rock, and it skitters away into the semi-darkness. ‘I thought for years that it was some kind of joke that my parents were playing on me, pretending not to remember Aunt Rosie until the day she came for me. I’d mention her at the dinner table, and they’d be like, “Hol, you don’t have an Aunt Rosie.” I thought it was … I don’t know, like a reverse Santa or something, where they were pretending that a real person wasn’t real. Because they’d be there every year when Aunt Rosie came for me, hugging her and kissing her and telling her to drop by more often, because they missed her, and why didn’t she come for Christmas? And she should come for Easter, and –’
Something clicks. ‘The day she came for you was Valentine’s Day, wasn’t it?’
Holly nods. ‘Every year, like clockwork. Last year I wanted to blow her off. I was dating Finn, and it was his birthday, and I wanted to spend it with him, but when I asked my mum for a phone number for Aunt Rosie so we could reschedule, she just gave me this blank look. I was like, “Aunt Rosie, Mum, you know, Aunt Rosie,” and she was all, “You don’t have an aunt called Rosie, Hol,” and I was like, “God, Mum, this joke isn’t funny any more,” and we ended up in this huge screaming argument, and she grounded me. She told me that there was no way I was leaving the house, whether it was to see Finn or anyone else. And then the next day when Aunt Rosie turned up on my doorstep, there my mum was, smiling and hugging her, and sending me off into the bush like nothing had even happened.’
‘Oh wow.’
‘That time, when Aunt Rosie took my hand, I didn’t get that day-before-your-birthday feeling. It was this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But I was terrified that she would find out, so I faked it. And when she asked me about the four of you, I told her exactly what I thought she wanted to hear, and I … I’m not sure if I lied, exactly, but I kind of shuffled Finn to the back. I talked about all of you, but when she asked me who was shining the brightest, he was the last one on my list. I didn’t want her to get her hands on him.’
‘Did you know? That he was the one?’
Holly shakes her head. ‘I mean, I thought he was special, but just because he was Finn. I had no idea he was some special magical snowflake. I didn’t work that out until the next Valentine’s Day – this year. Finn and I were broken up, but I still – he’s a hard person to stop caring about, you know? I had this game plan all mapped out in my head about the stories I’d tell, about how they should look anywhere but at him. But Aunt Rosie didn’t show up on my doorstep.’
‘Shit.’
‘At first I was relieved. But then Emily showed up the next day, and –’ she shakes her head. ‘Even thinking about it … God.’
‘What happened?’
‘She wasn’t polite about it,’ she says. ‘Aunt Rosie was always … kind, somehow, but Emily just looked me in the eyes and told me I was coming with her. She put her fingers around my wrist and it felt like a manacle, like if I tried to pull away she’d just yank my hand off.’
I almost say, ‘She probably would have,’ but bite it back.
‘She took me off into the bush, and put both hands on the side of my face, and told me that I was going to be her handmaiden, and I was going to tell her everything about her Valentine, and that we needed to celebrate. Then it was like I blinked, and all these fairies came out of the woodwork, and there was music, and I was dancing and dancing and dancing, and I couldn’t stop.’
‘On hot coals?’
‘Not that time. That came later, when I wasn’t telling her what she wanted to hear. This time, it was just dancing, and then I was back at my house with no memory of how I got there. But the music … it got into me. I was obsessed with it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And I was so scared. All I wanted was to feel better. To feel safe. And the person I knew that made me feel the best and the safest was Finn.’
I do my best to be subtle about the fact that there’s a massive lump in my throat that I can’t seem to swallow.
‘I knew I couldn’t tell him – that I couldn’t tell anyone – but God, I just wanted someone to say nice things to me,’ she says. ‘And he did. He was like, “I can see you’re scared, Hol, and I’m here for you, I’m always here for you,” and he hugged me, and it all … went away. The music, all of it. I could think again. But then he pulled away, and it all came crashing back in, and suddenly I was even more scared, because I knew it was him. All this time, they’d been looking for him.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I lied,’ she says. ‘I lied and I lied and then I lied some more. Emily came back for me again and again, and I lied every time, and that music wrapped its way around me harder and harder. I felt like I was going out of my mind, but I knew I could make it stop by just touching Finn, and that made me feel powerful. We got back together, and that gave me the perfect excuse to keep touching him. She made me dance and dance, and asked me who the Valentine was, and every time I told her I didn’t know, but probably you. Maybe Cardy. Maybe even Marie. But not Finn. Never Finn.’
Holly exhales slowly. ‘But I knew she was going to work it out eventually. When she started using Julian, I knew my time was up. It was only a matter of time before he’d be all “Um, Silver Lady, didn’t you know that Holly’s been dating Finn all this time?” Then she’d work it out in a heartbeat, and Finn would be royally screwed.’
‘So you ended it with him?’
‘A few weeks before Tillie’s party. That’s when everything really went to shit. Once Marie was killed and Emily and the Seelie realised that the Unseelie were after the Valentine too, they went full panic stations, and … well, you know the rest.’
I wonder if anyone in the world has ever made a bigger overstatement than ‘you know the rest’.
‘Just so you know,’ Holly says, ‘I didn’t tell you any of that to, like, mark my territory.’
‘What?’
‘That wasn’t me being all, “Finn was mine first, and he’ll be mine again, and I only broke up with him to keep him safe, and he’s my one true love”,’ she says. ‘We would have broken up anyway, eventually. We wouldn’t even have got back together if I wasn’t so scared. He’s got this thing where he has to be a hero, and I was all crying and vulnerable, and that shit is his kryptonite, I swear.’