Before I could think of what else I needed, there was a soft knock on the door. I panicked, thinking it was one of my aunts come to get me so soon. I wasn’t ready! But then I heard Ruth’s voice, real quiet and low, saying my name as she turned the knob and came in. She closed the door behind her, then just stood and looked at me for a minute. I felt her eyes searching my face, and I had to look away for fear that she would find my plans there, plain as day.
“Ami,” she said. “Look at me, child.” It was so hard to drag my eyes up to meet hers. Here was Ruth, my own grandma who had done nothing but love me and take care of me all my life. She’d been the only mother I’d ever known. She taught me to read and write, to say my prayers and sew, to make bread that would rise every time. How could I look her in the eye, knowing that I was about to take everything she’d ever given me and throw it back in her face? If I couldn’t say goodbye, if I couldn’t tell her where I was going and why or promise that I would come back and make it all right again, the least I could do was look at her when she asked me to. I made myself do it.
She gave me a sad little smile before she spoke. “Well, I guess you know what this is about.” It wasn’t a question, but I gave a little nod anyway. “I know you must be scared. But he seems like a nice man, don’t you think?” I was surprised to hear a little tremor in her voice. I couldn’t answer this time, even with a nod or shake of my head. I didn’t know if he seemed like a nice man or not, but I knew I wasn’t sticking around to find out.
“The Lord moves in mysterious ways, and we have to trust in His will, Ami. Isn’t that what your papa and I have always taught you? Just think, Ami. A baby! You might have a sweet little baby all your own; can you imagine?” Her eyes were shining now, and I saw the hope all over her face. But the truth was, I couldn’t imagine. I’d never seen a real, live baby in all my life. I didn’t know how to hold or feed or take care of a baby. I tried to picture myself holding a tiny baby, but all I could see was the puppies I’d played with over the years.
“Now, you know I’ve told you about how babies are made, the good Lord willing…” I felt myself blushing, and I saw that Ruth felt as embarrassed as I did. In my mind, I begged her to stop, but I couldn’t be disrespectful enough to ask her out loud. “You remember how it works?” she asked. I could hear the determination in her voice. This conversation was happening, no matter what.
“Yes, ma’am,” I mumbled. Please Lord, don’t let her tell me again, I thought. It had been bad enough the first time.
“It’s not so bad, really. You don’t need to be afraid. Just … think about something else and it will be over before you know it.”
I felt like my eyes were going to burn a hole in the floor, I was looking down so hard. Think about something else and it will be over before I know it? That’s the best I could hope for? I might not know a whole lot about husbands and wives and love, but I had certainly thought, hoped, for more than just grin and bear it. I was starting to understand why Rachel and Billie and Amber didn’t want this for me. As for my uncles, well, just the thought of them knowing that I was going to have to do that made me wish the ground would open up and swallow me right that very instant. Ruth kind of patted me on the arm, then drew me into a stiff-feeling hug.
“All right, then. I’m glad we had this little talk. Because tomorrow you are going to have to do better, Ami. Me and your papa, we want what’s best for you. And we know this visitor has caught you by surprise. But you’re not a little girl anymore, are you? Your Heavenly Father built your body to be ready for babies at this age, and I reckon He knew what He was about. We just have to trust and pray and accept His will. Now isn’t that right?” Her voice struck me right in my heart. I could hear her pleading with me, asking me to be the good and godly woman she’d trained me to be. But also asking, maybe, that I wouldn’t be angry. That I wouldn’t hate her for giving me away like this. That I would understand why.
“Yes, ma’am,” I said. I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted.
As soon as Ruth was gone, I started packing. If I had doubts before, they were long gone now. I could not do what they wanted. I was scared and ashamed but also sure that I could make it right. I would go to Eufaula and find my mother. She would help me. But Amber had said the traveler brought her that brochure for Lake Point years ago. My mama could be anywhere by now. Then again, how many places were there left to go in this world? Why would she send word if she didn’t mean to wait for me there? Even if she was gone, maybe someone there would know where she was.
All of these thoughts ran wild through my mind as I unstrapped and unrolled my blankets. I threw in my book, my little round mirror, my knife, and the only picture of my mother I’d ever seen. In the encyclopedias, there were photographs of people, but Jedidiah hadn’t believed in such vanity as keeping cameras about. The picture I had was a drawing, but everyone said it looked just like her. She smiled for the artist in a way that made my heart ache. No one seemed to know who had drawn it, but it was left among her things when she ran. I liked to think that she left it for me, just as I had always pretended her smile was for me. I held the picture for a moment, trying to imagine how she would look now. Would I know her if I saw her, all these years after the drawing was made?
Maybe I had her eyes or her smile. I knew I didn’t have her hair because in the picture it hung long and straight. The drawing was only done with a regular pencil, but her hair was left with a lot of the paper showing through faint pencil strokes, so I guessed it was a lighter color. Billie’s hair was light brown, but Rachel’s was honey with streaks of lighter blond running through it. None of them had ringlets like mine. Their eyes were both grayish blue. Would my mother’s eyes be that color or hazel like mine? I didn’t see any freckles in the drawing either. What if she didn’t believe that I was her daughter?
There was no time for such thoughts, and I pushed them aside. I had days of walking ahead of me, and there would be plenty of time to worry and dream. But now it was time for me to go. I looked at my open bedroll. A book, a knife, a drawing, a pocket mirror. I added my little windup flashlight, then looked around for what else to take. In all the world, were these the only things I really needed? Amber had said she’d give me different clothes, and I wondered what they would be. Strange things to go with the strange “running shoes” she wanted me to wear. Did they make shoes just for running away? Surely not, but I couldn’t understand why else you would run in them.
I let my mind wander like that for another hour, until I had heard the doors all close and the voices fade away. Then I opened my window, grabbed my roll, and slipped out. Without making a sound, I ran to Amber’s trailer. The moon was almost full, and I could see the hi-way shining like water in its silvery light. It would be my path, but I couldn’t really imagine where it would take me.
Amber opened the door and pulled me inside. “What are you doing, standing out there? Wake up, girl! You got to get moving!” She left me standing just inside the door while she buzzed around, talking the whole time.
“Okay, I’ve got you four water bottles. Any more would be too heavy. That’s one a day if it takes four whole days, but maybe try to save a little in case it’s longer. And I know you can find water if you have to, right? There’s some food, but it ain’t nothing fancy. Bread and some jerky, some of that soft cheese Billie makes. A little sack of peanuts. I know there’s peaches and such you’ll find along the way. Smart girl like you, you’ll manage just fine.”