“No, she isn’t. Your animal is a part of you, but she ain’t you. My bull? You think I control him?”
“Yes?”
“Hell no. He tried to kill Cheyenne a couple weeks back just because she wore a red shirt. And because she’s human. My bull hates two things. Humans and the color red. Guess what my favorite color is?”
“Red?”
“Red,” he agreed. “Just to spite the hairy jerk that lives inside me. I don’t get along with my animal. I bet if you ask Two Shots and Quickdraw, they don’t resemble their animals either, and you know why? Because they’re different critters sharing the same body. They aren’t the same, Raven. Do you understand what I’m saying? You ain’t your monster. You’re just Raven with a bonus monster.”
She giggled on accident. She’d been feeling so serious while listening and absorbing what he was saying, things clicking into place, but he’d called her inner moo “a bonus monster” with this little smirk on his face, and it had caught her off guard.
“I think you’re very intelligent,” she said.
“Well, don’t tell anyone that. People go on thinking you’re smart, they start asking questions geared for a smart person, and I’m not doing that shit. Dumb questions only.”
As Raven laughed, she propped her elbow on the arm of the comfortable couch and rested her cheek on her palm. “I don’t think my animal hates humans. She’s not picky. She just hates everything.”
Dead’s smile fell from his lips, and he relaxed back into his recliner, rocked it gently. “Mine can’t stand humans. That right there is the real reason I rank at the top in this circuit. My bull can’t wait to get a rider off his back. After he bucks, there’s a few seconds that my animal lives for. The rider hits the dirt and then he’s helpless, scrambling to his feet, slow. That’s my bull’s chance to get him. The bullfighters all know what I’ll do at this point, know about the hatred, so they work tight and work well together to keep me off that downed rider.”
“Have you ever hurt a human?”
“Oh, yeah. Every bull will hurt someone at some point. That’s the part you have to accept. Two Shots killed a rider a few years ago. Now, I haven’t had that kind of chance yet, but my bull would be happy if it happened.”
“Would you?” she asked softly.
The look in his eyes was raw. “I would never be okay again. And as much as my bull thinks that’s what he wants, he would never be okay again either.”
“Why does he hate humans so much?”
Dead smiled, clapped his hands on the arms of the chair, and stood. “It’s late, and I’m sure you’re getting tired.”
There it was. That was a hard and unexpected shut down, and she instantly felt like she’d done something wrong. Said something unacceptable. “I’m sorry.”
“Why’d you drop your eyes like that?” he asked.
Staring at the woodgrain pattern of the wood flooring, she shrugged up a shoulder. “Thank you so much for dinner and for spending time with me. And answering all my questions. I know it was a lot. I understand so much better now, though. I will be thinking about the things you said about my animal for days. I’m calling it.” She forced a laugh. “I’ll just get changed, okay?”
When she cast him a quick glance, he was standing there all tall-as-the-roof and strong, his hands on his hips and a frown furrowing his handsome face. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
He cocked his head and stared. She tried to hold his gaze. Truly, she tried, but she couldn’t.
“Okay,” he drawled out quietly. “You can use the bedroom to change. I’ll be outside.”
She swallowed hard and nodded, then took the entire girlfriend starter pack into the bedroom. The door clicked closed behind her and she sighed, but couldn’t tell if it was from stress or from relief. The bed took up most of the room, but she had enough space to shimmy into the giant T-shirt. When she came out of the bedroom, she looked expectantly around the living area, but it was empty. He really had gone outside. A mix of disappointment and understanding churned in her chest. He was just being respectful. That, or he didn’t want to be around her anymore. And that was okay! That was okay. Totally okay.
She made her way into the small bathroom where the sink actually worked. She brushed her teeth and pulled her hair into a messy bun and opened the door just in time for Dead to knock. He stepped back fast and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to intrude. I just…”
“You what?” she asked.
He chewed on the corner of his lip and searched her eyes. “I made you uncomfortable, and I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I wanted to find out why I made you uncomfortable so I don’t make us feel like that again.”
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable, Dead. I just didn’t want you to shut down. I wanted you to keep talking, telling me interesting stuff about yourself, and not go to bed yet. I know that’s silly because you’re a stranger and you’ve already opened up so much, but I guess I’m selfish and wanted more.” She inhaled after saying all that on one breath. “I like learning about you.”
The corner of his lips turned up in a smile for just a second before it disappeared. “You asked about why I hate humans.”
She nodded and wrapped her arms around herself to hide her nipples perking up against the thin fabric of the T-shirt.
“I’ve never talked about that with anyone. It’s a scary thing to do.”
“Talking about personal stuff with a stranger?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you can look at it that way, or you could see it as less risky. After tonight, you’ll never see me again. And I’m good at keeping my word. I will never speak of your reasons again to another living soul. Not even my pet plants. So, you can share that story with someone who won’t be affected in any way or judge you. And then you will have told someone. And maybe it won’t be so scary to talk about it then.”
“Filsa.”
That word chilled her blood and made her skin tingle.
He backed up and sank into the couch. “I can tell by the look on your face you know what that drug does.”
“It makes your animal go to sleep.”
Dead rested one ankle on his knee and shook his boot slightly—a nervous tic, perhaps. “And how did you learn about Filsa?”
“My friend Anabelle has used it before. She wanted to see what it would feel like to be human again.”
“Mmm.” His eyes were darkening to the color of whiskey. “Only you aren’t human when you have that drug in your system. You’re still a shifter, just helpless to protect yourself.”
“That’s what Annabelle learned, too. Did…did you try the drug?”
“Not on purpose.”
“Someone gave it to you?” Raven guessed, her stomach churning.
Dead’s eyes glazed over as he looked at something faraway, something right through her. He nodded. “Someone did that.”
“A human?”
Another nod.
“Who?” she asked.
His lips twisted up into a humorless, empty smile. “No one important anymore.”