And not the fun kind—you know, with popcorn, s’mores, and hellfire. The kind where I played king and dismantled the Bernards’ favorite toy: the palace gossip train.
“Sir, one more item, if I may?” It seemed I hadn’t scared Victoria off. Of course not. Regretting my outburst, I slowed my steps to allow her to remain upright and not fall face down on the stones under our feet. “I’ve enquired about lawsuits brought against Walkers for the texture of their crisps and I’m afraid there are none. Would you like me to pursue the issue further?”
I waved a dismissive hand, a new idea occurring to me. “No. I’ve moved on. Could you ask Trevor to ring me as soon as possible?”
“Absolutely.” Victoria made no move to turn back to the north wing but did pause to allow me entrance into the security building ahead of her. As I said, there was no faulting her manners.
And, with that, I nodded and sent a wink to Adelaide, the middle-aged blonde who staffed the front desk. “How’s your day, love?”
“Same shite, different day, Your Highness.” I had a real soft spot for Adelaide. We’d once shared a bottle of whiskey and she’d nearly drunk me under the table.
“You know what they say when the shite changes: go see a doctor,” I replied, and her laughter followed me down the hall to the right on my way to the meddlesome hive of gossipmongers. As I knew she would, Victoria headed in the opposite direction in search of Trevor Northam, the head of security.
One perfunctory knock was all I allowed before striding into the Bernards’ gathering space and closing the door behind me. The gasps and frantic shuffling were to be expected, as I seldom wandered this far afield, but even the newest of the staff managed to quickly compose herself before I was greeted with the customary murmurs of “Your Highness” along with some overly dramatic bowing.
“Your Highness, to what do we owe the superb pleasure of your company?” This came from Bernard himself, an impeccably styled thirty-something who kept himself better manicured than Queen Beyonce herself and no doubt spent the better portion of his family’s wealth on shoes and plant extracts to maintain his fresh-faced glow.
“I came to celebrate the good news, Bernard.” I motioned for everyone to resume their normal activities as I perched myself on the edge of his desk and picked up a plastic Troll doll figurine resting by his computer monitor.
“You’ve hired Lady Gaga to perform at your coronation?”
“Not that good, I’m afraid.”
He managed to shrug it off. “Well, it never hurts to dream, does it, sir?”
“Right you are.” I replaced the doll, hair now neatly spiked. “I’ll never abandon my eternal hope for Kim Cattrall and SJP to hug it out.”
At this, Bernard made the sign of the cross. “From your lips to God’s ears.”
“Right. At any rate, I thought you’d like to know that Mr. Northam has agreed to allow you to release any information you have on Ms. William’s exact whereabouts.” I maintained my casual air by selecting another trinket to examine, this time a PEZ dispenser bearing the head of Count Chocula.
“Oh!” was Bernard’s only response.
It was no secret that Alice had resigned her position as my assistant after Leo and I took an unauthorized little side trip to Georgia while we were all visiting the States a few months ago. She and Trevor had been of the same mind that my brother and I required twenty-four-hour protection while on foreign soil and did not take kindly to our small excursion sans security. It mattered little to them that only a handful of Americans even knew who we were, and there was no risk of harm coming to us.
Rules meant everything to Trevor—and Alice, who also had an overly inflated respect for practicality and preparedness—and they were incensed at our abandoning them and setting out on a bonding brotherly adventure. One would think that Leo’s acquisition of a hot girlfriend to loosen him up would have served as some consolation, but no. Trevor had yet to forgive either one of us, and Alice had abruptly resigned as my assistant and disappeared, refusing to answer any of my calls or texts. Trevor’s displeasure with Leo might have been slightly understandable based on the small matter of my brother almost being shot, but all’s well that ends well, I say.
So here I was with a head of security who looked at me like a dog who’d just soiled his carpet and a new assistant who was entirely too perfect. My life was a living tragedy.
It mattered little that Alice would likely have resigned anyway once she married her boring banker fiancé, Reggie, at some point in the coming months. The hours and travel weren’t exactly conducive to marriage and babies, but I hadn’t even been given the chance to persuade her otherwise. And I wasn’t one to take anything lying down—unless it had a nice pair of tits and ass, of course.
Now, I’d finally secure the address of her hideout—which I had reason to believe was in America somewhere—and pop over to insist she return to her post. I was even willing to do a bit of groveling if necessary, which would surely communicate exactly how seriously I was taking her abandonment. She’d be back in the fold and squinting her disapproval at me in no time.
My phone chose that moment to ring from my pocket.
“Ah, here Trevor is now.” I replaced Count Chocula and lifted my phone, flashing the screen to Bernard before bringing it to my ear. “Trevor, how are you, old chap?”
“Your Highness, I was notified you required me.” The terseness of his greeting told me it might be a few more weeks yet until I was forgiven.
“Oh, wonderful. Yes, I’m just speaking with him now.” I covered the bottom half of the device with my free hand and whispered to Bernard, “He says Alice rang him just this morning and she’s eager to meet with me as soon as you pull up the location.”
Bernard’s responding thumbs up was encouraging.
The sound of Trevor’s sigh did nothing to discourage me. “Let’s assume I have no interest in whatever you’re up to and you get to the point.”
“Of course. It’s always best to exercise caution when it comes to these things, but I appreciate that we’ve come around.” To Bernard, I rolled my eyes and whispered, “Red tape,” before continuing to Trevor, “I was headed over there anyway, so I figured I’d just pop in. If you could stop by the office and deliver the news in person...”
“Goodbye, sir.”
This was followed by a click, so I hurried on with, “Oh, the queen is ringing?” Pause. “No, by all means, don’t worry yourself. We can sort this on our own.” Another pause. “You as well. Cheers.”
I’d never considered a career in acting, but perhaps that was a missed opportunity.
Phone safely returned to my pocket, I switched my full attention to Bernard. From his expression, I could tell he was on the fence, so quick action was paramount.
“Did I ever tell you about the time Nolan Royce and I had a pint with Charlie Hunnam?”
Hollywood, here I come. But first, I had an assistant to fetch.
Chapter 2
Alice
“Only in America,” I muttered to myself, so busy marveling at the idea that the hospital housed not only a Starbucks and a mobile phone shop, but a nail boutique as well, that I almost missed the barista calling my name.