Today isn’t the day, though.
Kim: I have to study.
More like crawl further into my blanket and stay up all night, trying to fight these cancerous thoughts away.
Ronan: Come on, don’t be a bore.
When I don’t reply, he sends another text.
Ronan: Xander is here and he’s so drunk, he can’t stand.
I type before thinking.
Kim: Why would I care about that?
Ronan: Dunno. Thought you’d be interested in seeing me whipping his arse in a drinking competition?
No. I wouldn’t be interested. That bastard is the reason behind this in the first place.
If he hadn’t come in class with Veronica, blatantly parading his night with her in front of me, I wouldn’t be in this damn predicament now.
Screw him.
I check the other texts from my best friend.
Elsa: Want me to come over?
Elsa: I’m worried about you, Kim.
Elsa: We can go to Ronan’s party if you want?
If my parties’ terrorist friend is offering to go to a party for my sake, then she really is worried.
If I don’t reply, she’ll burst through the front door, and I can’t have Elsa see me this way.
Kim: You going to a party? Who are you and what have you done to my best friend?
Elsa: I go to parties.
Kim: Are you sure?
Elsa: Sometimes.
Elsa: So are you coming or should I come over?
Neither?
Still, I type.
Kim: Let’s meet at the party!
At least that will give me time to stay with my head a bit more, bargain a little, tell it to leave me be for a while.
The whole thing.
I’m about to throw my phone away when it vibrates with another text. I expect it to be from Elsa or Ronan, but it’s not.
Unknown Number: What are you doing?
Kimberly: Who are you?
Unknown Number: You better be not doing that nasty business or I swear I’m coming through your fucking window.
I pause, my heartbeat escalating. My fingers tremble as I type.
Kimberly: Xander?
Unknown Number: The one and only.
Oh, God. Oh, shit. Why is he texting me?
Kimberly: Since when do you have my number?
Elsa would never give it to him.
Xander: You think Ronan can have your number and I can’t?
He stole it. I know it without a sliver of doubt. Even as kids, whenever Xander couldn’t get what he wanted, he pretended not to care about it anymore, then he snuck behind everyone’s backs and took it anyway. Just to prove he could.
Before I can give him a piece of my mind, another text comes from him.
Xander: What did Jeanine tell you?
I bite my lower lip so hard, I’m surprised no blood comes out. I really regret opening up to him about my relationship with Mum all those years ago. Not only does he know all my dirty secrets, but he’s the only one in the know about how my mum makes me feel so small and insignificant.
I wish I could tell him things have changed since a long time ago, but that’s not the case.
That doesn’t mean I can’t lie about it.
Kimberly: Nothing.
Xander: You expect me to believe that tyrant actually let it go as if it never happened? Try again.
Why is he being weird all of a sudden? My head has been working overtime since Elsa’s bathroom. It’s like being on a constant high and refusing to come down.
Kimberly: You have no right to talk about her like that. She’s my mum.
I hate myself as soon as I hit Send. Why do I have to be such a hypocrite? But then again, Xander doesn’t get to school me about my family as if he has every right to.
Xander: The one you wished you never had.
Damn him. Why does he remember everything I’ve told him? And if he does, why the hell can’t he remember those times I practically begged him to never leave me alone with her?
Then he went ahead and did it.
He stepped on my heart and crushed it to pieces, so why does he think he has the right to return and tell me what to do now?
Kimberly: Leave me the hell alone.
Xander: How about no?
Kimberly: Don’t you have your bimbos to keep you company?
Xander: Uh-oh. Someone is jealous.
Shit. Keep calm, Kim. Keep damn calm.
Didn’t Ronan say he’s drunk? This must be the alcohol, and all I have to do is ignore him.
Kimberly: In your dreams.
Xander: Good.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Another text comes soon after.
Xander: You didn’t answer my original question. What are you doing?
Kimberly: The lack of an answer is an answer. Take a hint.
Xander: That fucking attitude will get you in trouble. Now, answer the damn question before I find out for myself.
Kimberly: And how the hell will you do that, genius?
Kirian is out, so even if Xander calls and asks him, he won’t get anything.
Xander: Told you. Through the window.
Kimberly: From Ronan’s house? Just how drunk are you?
Xander: Enough to run from Ronan’s house to home. Or make Aiden drive me. I have plenty of options.
Kimberly: You can’t be seriously serious about this?
Xander: Seriously serious, yes. That’s it. I like the syntax of that.
Dammit. He pushed me back to my most basic form. Why the hell would I even repeat serious?
Kimberly: I’m doing nothing. Happy now?
Xander: Nothing, as in you’re sitting around? Or nothing, as in you’re hiding under your covers, trying to pretend the world doesn’t exist?
My blood boils and my legs shrink further underneath me.
Kimberly: Nothing, as in nothing. Ever heard of the word? It means empty, nada. Now leave me alone.
Xander: So you can drown in that nothingness of yours?
Kimberly: Yes, which is none of your business, by the way.
Xander: Is that what you think?
I’m almost punching the keyboard with my fingers as I type.
Kimberly: Yes! You can’t come here and pretend to know me. You don’t, okay? You never fucking did.
Xander: Let me see, I know you dance to upbeat music on your own, and it’s the only time you’re not fake. I know you hide behind that makeup and new wardrobe because you see yourself as an ugly little monster on the inside. But not the hair, the green is you. It’s the only real thing about you, because you’ve always been obsessed with that colour. You stopped eating your favourite pistachio gelato and green M&M’s because they don’t go well with the whole look, but you still take notice and stare when you see others eating them. You like Elsa too much, so you do everything to appear perfect in front of her, and by doing that, you kill parts of yourself slowly, thinking if she actually saw your true self-harming, vein-cutting, pill-popping self, she’d give up on you. When you were talking to Jeanine that day, Kirian came to me frantic and told me about that night. He saw you fainted after you popped some pills, and for that reason, he’s been hugging you more often lately and asking me if adults keep their fucking promises. I know you don’t look long enough in the mirror, if at all, because you hate the person you see there, and if you stare long enough, you’ll be out to destroy her, so you choose to hide behind the designer clothes and the layers of expensive makeup instead. But here’s the thing, Kimberly, you can hide from the world and from your fucking self, but you’ll never be able to hide from me.
Oh my God.