“How did you get in?”
There was a hint of criticism in Ben’s, “Spare key in the barbecue grill. Same place you always hide your spare key.”
Not after this. But Zach didn’t say that either. Instead, despite the fact that it was late and he was tired and still had to pack for tomorrow’s trip to Pebble Beach, he strained to be reasonable, to remember that once upon a time he’d envisioned spending the rest of his life with Ben.
“I’m not sure what the point of this is, Ben. We have been talking. We were talking this morning when you hung up on me. Every conversation ends in an argument.”
“Because you’re not listening!” Mr. Bigglesworth began to wriggle, and Ben released him. The lavender sphynx leaped away, coming to greet Zach with plaintive meows.
Zach picked Mr. Bigglesworth up, and the cat bumped his funny little triangular face to Zach’s chin, rubbing back and forth in noisy greeting. Zach smiled. He gently nose-bumped Mr. B. in return.
Everybody needed a little unconditional love in their life.
“Hey, Mr. B. I missed you, too.” He sighed inwardly and said to Ben, “Let me feed Mr. B. and then we can—”
“I already fed him,” Ben said.
“Oh.”
That was very thoughtful. Very…Ben. It was unreasonable for Zach to be instantly irritated by Ben’s thoughtfulness. Right? Why should Mr. Bigglesworth have to go hungry when Ben was right there, lurking in Zach’s house, ready and willing to dish up the Smalls fresh cat food on demand?
He swallowed his annoyance, moved to the room’s only chair, and sank into it, still cuddling Mr. Bigglesworth. “Okay. I’m listening. You have my full and undivided attention.”
Ben frowned. “You’re not going to pour yourself a drink or anything?”
“Ben—”
“I feel like you’re holding a stopwatch on me!”
Zach closed his eyes. For one really weird second, he actually struggled with tears.
He was trying so hard. He really was. Trying to do the right thing. Trying not to hurt anyone. Trying not to disappoint anyone. It was overwhelming to know he was failing at all of it. He was hurting Ben. He was disappointing Ben, his mother, probably his father, Mr. Bigglesworth… Hell, he was probably disappointing the rival PI on the other side of the shopping center. He had taken on a job he was uneasy about and which he probably wasn’t equipped for, a job which involved another person’s health and safety. He had ended a stable relationship with someone who loved him. He was going against his dad’s wishes; he missed his dad—
Buck up, kid. Tough times make tough people.
Zach drew in a sharp breath. He could hear Pop’s gruff voice as clearly as if his father stood over him. He pulled himself together and opened his eyes.
“I’m not timing you. I’m listening to everything you have to say without any distractions.”
“Because your mind’s already made up,” Ben said bitterly.
Zach began to regret not having that drink. “If you think that, why are you here?”
Ben jumped to his feet as if he couldn’t contain himself a moment longer. “Because I don’t understand! I gave in to you. I was willing to go along with everything you wanted, even though everything you wanted wasn’t the plan. Wasn’t what we planned for our life together.”
Zach rose too, dislodging Mr. Bigglesworth, who scrambled away to crouch in the corner of the chair, watching them warily. There had been a time they never raised their voices with each other. But that time had passed.
“This is the problem, right here. You haven’t been listening. From the time we were in college, I said I wanted to go into business with my dad.”
“Your dad didn’t want you to go into business with him!”
“It’s my life. I get some say in it!” Zach shouted.
The volume, and the emotion fueling it, startled them both into silence.
It wasn’t even true, what Ben had said. Zach’s father hadn’t wanted him to throw away better job opportunities, sure, but he’d been delighted when Zach had come onboard to manage Davies Detective Agency’s finances. Had he wanted his son working as an investigator? No. He’d firmly believed Zach was meant for bigger and better things. Like a CFA or a CMA.
Ben recovered first. “Which is why I’ve agreed. To everything.”
“Grudgingly.”
“Yes. Grudgingly. Because you’re making a mistake. I think you’re making a mistake. This was not the plan. This was not our plan. What am I supposed to do? Keep quiet when I think you’re wrong?”
“Maybe? I don’t know. What I do know is I don’t want—I don’t want to feel like I’m in the wrong all the time, which is how you make me feel. I don’t want to feel like you’re waiting—hoping—I’m going to fail. And I don’t want to keep having to hear I told you so every time something goes wrong.”
Ben’s green eyes were bright with anger. “That’s on you, Zach. I’m already bending over backward to accommodate you. You can’t also expect stoic silence when you’re trampling over everything we were working toward.”
This was how all his attempts to talk to Ben went. No matter how determined they both were to keep their conversations low key and reasonable, they went from zero to sixty within the first five comments. There was just so much pent-up resentment on both sides. So much frustration with each other. And, on Ben’s side, so much anger.
Zach sighed wearily. “I don’t want my parents’ marriage.”
“That’s a shitty thing to say! Your mom is a saint. The things she had to put up with!”
Ben did not have a great relationship with his own parents. In fact, he pretty much had no relationship. Understandably, he had grown attached to Zach’s family, and that was great. That was fine with Zach. Especially since his mom said she was choosing Ben in the custody battle. He was pretty sure she wasn’t kidding either.
Zach said patiently, “What I mean is, my parents weren’t happy together. They stayed together for me and Brooke. Because they believed that was the right thing to do. They felt they didn’t have a choice. We have a choice. And I’m choosing happiness.”
“We were perfectly happy together until your dad died and you got this idi—idea that you would run the agency on your own. So if that’s what you’re trying to tell yourself now, it’s just an excuse for bailing on us.”
This was why it was pointless, if not an actual mistake, to keep trying to talk this out with Ben. There was no talking out I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want to be with you anymore. There was no good way to tell someone that. And with each conversation, the animosity and hard feelings grew, solidified.
But Zach kept trying, saying earnestly, “People change. That’s all I’m saying. I think we both deserve to be happy. And I think we—”
Ben broke in, “Is there someone else? Is that what this is about? You keep saying no, but I have to wonder.”
“No, of course not.” As the words left his mouth, Zach remembered he was about to spend the next few days, if not weeks, pretending to be Alton Beacher’s boyfriend.
If he and Ben had still been together, he would have had to explain what was going on. It went through his mind that, even though they weren’t together, it might be a good idea to warn Ben. Except he wasn’t sure he could trust Ben to keep that information to himself. Ben was so angry and emotional these days. But if he didn’t warn Ben, and Ben somehow caught wind of Zach’s supposed relationship…