I don’t respond. What’s the point? They’ll think what they think, no matter what I say.
“Shall I get something from the cellar?” he bellows. Presumably at Madison.
“It’s a Friday night. Go wild.” Madison’s good for my brother. I never thought I’d see him settle down. But then again, I didn’t think I’d be a doctor for as long as I have been.
“This will do.” He pulls two bottles of red from the fridge. “It’s only you and Jacob and Sutton tonight.”
I follow him over to the counter where he sets about opening one of the bottles.
“So how is life in the private sector?” he asks.
“Good,” I reply. When what I really mean is, I’ve really enjoyed the time to myself so far. I’m in the final act of the first Benjamin Butler book. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a while.
“Of course it is. No doubt patients are battering down your front door, trying to get an appointment with you.”
If only he knew. I’m sure Ellie wonders if she’s working for the worst doctor alive, given she’s not seen a single patient enter our office. But they’ll come. Especially now she’s filled out my recognition forms. I’ll get insurer referrals any day now. The insurers don’t seem to care who you are as long as you’ve got practicing privileges at an NHS hospital.
“I guess.”
Nathan looks at me for the first time since I arrived. “You sound your usual enthusiastic self.” He holds my gaze and for a split second I’m tempted to tell him that I don’t want any patients. Not in the private sector, not even in the NHS. I don’t want to be a doctor. I want to spend all my days how I’ve spent today: thinking about stories and characters and plot and writing, writing, writing.
Of course I don’t.
“What are you enjoying about it so far?” he asks.
The best thing about private practice is Ellie. She’s competent and capable and—an image of her bending over my desk flashes into my mind, her legs parted, her hands gripping the edge as I slide up her skirt—I need to change the subject.
Luckily Jacob appears with Sutton and the sight of them together almost makes me smile. She’s so good for him. She brings out the best in him. “What going on?” he asks.
“Nathan’s opening wine,” I reply. We are not talking about my private practice, and I’m not thinking about my assistant. On my desk. Naked.
“Sounds good.”
“Is it just the five of us tonight?” Sutton asks. “You haven’t brought anyone, have you, Zach?”
I groan. I really like Sutton and I really like Madison, but when they’re together, they spend far too much energy trying to identify a perfect woman for me.
“Angelina Jolie’s single,” Madison says. “Is she your type?”
I shake my head and I see another flash of Ellie, this time her eyes are closed, and she has a look of ecstasy on her face. I wouldn’t say Ellie’s my type exactly, but apparently she’s taken up residence in my brain.
“Zachy’s perfect. He doesn’t need a woman with a vial of blood around her neck.”
A vial of blood around her neck isn’t the reason Angelina Jolie isn’t my type. It’s much more about the fact that I don’t know Angelina Jolie—and it’s only when I get to know a woman that I can find her properly attractive. It’s probably why I’ve been single for so long—the only women I meet are my brothers’ girlfriends and work colleagues, and both are strictly no-go zones.
“Anyone at the new job?” Nathan asks.
Since when has he become invested? I pull my eyebrows together, confused as to how Nathan got recruited into Sutton and Madison’s mission to get me married off. “No.”
“Don’t worry, mate, it will happen for you when you’re least expecting it.”
“Jesus, you lot, leave me alone. Getting laid isn’t my first priority.”
“That’s right,” Jacob says. “How’s the new practice? If you let me have some business cards, I can hand them out.”
“Thanks,” I reply. “I’m actually having a sandwich board made up. I thought maybe you could do a few hours in the cafeteria a couple of times a week?”
“Your mood is particularly pleasant today,” Jacob says.
“All the better for seeing you,” I reply.
“Knock it off, you lot,” Sutton says. “Leave Zach alone. He can’t help it if he’s perfect and you’re jealous.”
I knew there was a reason why I liked Sutton. “I’m not perfect.”
She pats me on the arm. “Of course you are. We all know it. Your brothers are just angry they’re not just like you.”
“I’m. Not. Perfect.”
Nathan starts handing out wineglasses, and for some reason, I can’t just accept the glass and take a sip. It’s like I’ve been set at a simmer for years and all of a sudden I’m boiling over left and right. “No,” I say.
Nathan pauses and then hands the glass to Jacob. “Would you prefer white?”
“No,” I repeat. I don’t know what I’m saying no to. Nathan always has great wine. It’s like my feelings about the job are just seeping out all over the place—
No, I don’t like my new private practice.
No, I don’t have any patients.
No, I don’t want to be a doctor.
No. No. No.
“Are you okay?” Jacob asks as he sets his wineglass down.
I shake my head. “No. I just—no.” I turn toward the door. I need some air. I need to get away from people, my family, all the questions.
“Hey,” Nathan calls after me down the hallway and I stop, turn, and wait for him to catch up to me. “What’s going on? You can talk to us. I know it’s stressful starting up a new business and everything, but you’re going to be fine.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so.” I glance over his shoulder. Everyone’s continuing as usual in the kitchen. I lower my voice. “I know all the things I should have done by now to get the new practice going. I haven’t done any of them. I haven’t got a website, or systems in place. I certainly don’t have any patients. And you know what, Nathan? It feels fucking fantastic. I don’t want any patients. I like the peace and quiet.” I push my hands through my hair. It feels like I’m freewheeling downhill and there’s no stopping what I’m going to say next. “I hate being a doctor. I’ve never liked it. I’ve put up with it. I’m good at it. It comes easy to me, but I don’t enjoy it.”
He leans against the wall like his legs are too weak to hold him upright.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Sorry? What are you sorry for? I’m sorry you’ve been faking it all this time and I never realized?”
“Is everything okay?” Madison calls down the hallway.
Nathan nods. “Fine.” He lifts his chin. “We won’t be long.”
He peels into his study and I follow and he shuts the door behind us. “Have you always hated medicine?”
I sigh. I feel bad that of all the people I finally boil over on, it’s Nathan. He was forced out of medicine, and has always felt like the black sheep of the family as a result. He would love to be in my shoes now, and I feel selfish for unloading on him. “I shouldn’t have said all that.”