“No, that’s icing. From a cake. And this fat bastard ate it.” He shook the basket a little.
“Was that my Valentine’s Day gift? A cake from Gideon’s Bakery?”
The basket made another squealing noise.
Gaze’s eyes were wide. “Sort of.”
“Well, we have to let him out, right?” My skates were getting away from me, sliding out on opposite sides.
Gaze looked from the basket to me and back again. A decision was made. He let go of the lid and wrapped his arm around my waist so I wouldn’t fall.
The second the pressure was off the lid, the raccoon scrambled out of the basket. He plopped out on the ice and lay on his back with a swollen tummy.
“Oh, he ate the whole damn thing.” Gaze set the basket down and turned his back on the furry guy long enough to help me sit on a blanket that was laid out on the ice.
The raccoon swung his legs from one side to another. He was like a turtle lying upside down on his shell. He smelled like a candy factory.
Gaze shook his head. “This is ridiculous.”
“Happy Valentine’s Day, babe.” I knew he'd been up to something special. His brother, Ruffian, had been visiting a few days in a row. And Ruffian sucked at hiding things from me. I didn’t know what it was, but he always acted like I’d just caught him stealing from a cookie jar around me.
I was guessing this whole setup was a collaboration between the brothers. It made my heart swell. I loved that they were connecting. The raccoon flipped over finally and started waddle-sliding himself across the ice.
“Oh no.” Gaze pulled out his phone and hit FaceTime. I watched the scene from the blanket on the ice as Ruffian came into view on Gaze’s screen. “Look what was in the basket when I got here.” Gaze flipped the screen to show Ruffian the slovenly raccoon.
“Oh crap. Did he get into the cake at all?” Ruffian was driving and I heard Teddi pipe up, “Aw, he’s so cute. He looks sick, though.”
Teddi was Ruffian’s girlfriend/partner in crime. Well, actually the opposite of crime. They did good stuff together.
“I’m on my way. Don’t let that raccoon out of your sight.”
“You guys are pretty intense about this cake. We can get another one,” I said.
Gaze shook his head and proceeded to skate-stalk the hairy little thief. “I have to keep that thing.” He was talking more to himself than to me.
“Should I take off my skates and help you?” I kicked out my feet to start on the task.
“No. Please don’t. Just sit right there and take in the scene. This romantic, memorable scene.” The raccoon audibly farted. “Seriously?”
“He’s got a lot to process if he ate a cake,” I offered by way of defense for the little guy.
Gaze concentrated on blocking the raccoon’s attempted escape into the surrounding woods. He was watching the lines the raccoon would likely travel. I started filming again, because I had nothing left to offer to him.
Ruffian came out of the woods with Teddi close on his heels.
“Bro.” Ruffian skidded across the lake.
Teddi slid like she was wearing skates instead of Converse sneakers.
“Dude, you said nothing would touch the basket. That clear ice is too scary for animals.”
Ruffian made a face. “Yeah, I did say that.”
Gaze made a frantic gesture at the raccoon.
“I see him.” Ruffian pulled up to a stop and Teddi slid-skated next to me, sitting on the blanket.
“How’s it going?” She tossed her long hair over her shoulder.
“I guess it sucks?” I shrugged.
“Oh, that's right, you don’t know.” Teddi patted my arm.
“This day is getting weirder and weirder.” I recentered the camera on the boys.
“Isn’t this the cutest setup, though?” Teddi smiled while she looked over at the LED candles and the blanket. “They had the hardest time making a heart shape.”
“Aw, it’s a heart shape. You guys were pretty close to us?” They arrived like they had been waiting to do so.
“Ruffian was supposed to run the drone they rented. But now we’re doing this.” Teddi put a mittened fist to her lips.
“I guess we wait until it takes a crap?” Ruffian was squatting low and looking at the panicked raccoon.
Gaze ran his hands down his face, pulling in his cheeks. “He’s a wild animal.”
“That’s the tough part, for sure. At least we still have him. I guess we have to trap him?” Ruffian held up his hands in a defense type maneuver.
“You’re supposed to be the wildlife expert, so do your thing.” Gaze was getting more frustrated with each passing second.
“I never said I was an expert, just that when Mom and I lived in the woods, I knew a few things about it. Plus, he's got a collar on.” Ruffian took off his jacket and held it up like he might try to swaddle the fat raccoon.
I made eye contact with Teddi. She had pulled off her mitten to scratch her nose. “Your nail polish is so cute.”
The pale blue color had gold lines running through it.
“Right? I was thrilled when I bought the nail polish stickers. So easy.” She held out her hand. “Depending how this turns out, I have a great red set for your nails. We can do it tonight.”
I had no idea why a raccoon gorging on a cake had anything to do with me painting my nails, but sometimes Teddi was four steps ahead of a situation in her head, so I just nodded encouragingly.
“What do you guys have in store for tonight? The big ol’ heart day.”
Teddi crinkled her nose. “Just staying in today. After this.”
“No one is making a whole lot of sense today. Did you notice that, or is it just me?”
Gaze and Ruffian were now fight dancing with the raccoon. The beast seemed to have gotten some of his mobility back.
“Oh, it’s not just you. Hang in there, pretty lady.” Teddi grabbed the overturned basket and righted it.
Ruffian tackled the raccoon and swaddled him in the jacket. I made sure I was still videoing. Gaze pumped his fist and then seemed to think better of it. “Now what?”
The raccoon’s little face peeked out from the material. He looked guilty but not nearly scared enough for a wild animal.
“Peaches!” a woman’s voice echoed off the ice. “Hairy baby, where are you?”
At that point, the raccoon almost scurried free. I noticed his collar had what looked like an Apple Air Tag on it. It made a beeping noise. Ruffian scrambled to keep a hold on him.A high-pitched whine came from the raccoon and the screaming lady got closer.
Ruffian tilted his head. “Um, this thing is making noise.” He pointed to the tag around the raccoon’s neck.
A woman in high boots and a blue fuzzy robe slid into our scene. “I’m so sorry. Did Peaches get into your food? She’s just awful.” She put out her hands and Ruffian let the raccoon go. It waddled straight to the woman and climbed her like a tree. “Oh, you got into something, all right.” She held out a sticky hand covered in frosting. The raccoon licked the woman’s face.
Ruffian and Gaze crowded the woman and drenched her in hushed whispers. She looked alarmed, but also amused.
“Oh no. That’s awful.” She tilted her head until she made eye contact with me.