“Yeah,” Mei said. “The world is bigger than I remember, especially going on my own.”
“It usually is,” Hugo said. “That’s the beauty of it. But you’re home now, so don’t you worry. Hopefully, you won’t get sent out again right away.”
Mei nodded as she stretched her arms above her head, back popping loudly. “No place like home.”
Wallace tried again. “I’m told I died from a heart attack. I’d like to lodge a formal complaint, seeing as how—”
“He’s taking to being dead pretty well,” Hugo said, eyeing Wallace up and down. “Usually there’s screaming and yelling and threats. I like it when they threaten.”
“Oh, he had his moments,” Mei said. “But on the whole, not too bad. Guess where I found him?”
Hugo eyed Wallace up and down. Then, “Where he died. No, wait. At his home, trying to figure out why he couldn’t make anything work.”
“His funeral,” Mei said, and Wallace was offended by how gleeful she sounded.
“No,” Hugo breathed. “Really?”
“Sitting in a pew and everything.”
“Wow,” Hugo said. “That’s embarrassing.”
“I’m standing right here,” Wallace snapped.
“Of course you are,” Hugo said, not unkindly. “But thank you for making that known.”
“Look, Hugo, Mei said you could help me. She said she had to bring me to you because you’re the ferryman, and you’re supposed to do … something. I admit I wasn’t really paying attention to that part, but that is beside the point. I don’t know what kind of racket you’re running here, and I don’t know who put you up to this, but I would really rather not be dead if at all possible. I have far too much work to do, and this has been an awful inconvenience. I have clients. I have a brief due by the end of the week that can’t be delayed!” He groaned, mind racing. “And I’m supposed to be in court on Friday for a hearing that I can’t miss. Do you know who I am? Because if you do, then you know I don’t have time for this. I have responsibilities, yes, extremely important responsibilities that can’t be ignored.”
“Of course I know who you are,” Hugo said dryly. “You’re Wallace.”
Relief like he’d never before experienced washed over him. He’d come to the right person. Mei, whoever—or whatever—she was, seemed to be an underling. A drone. Hugo was in the position of power. Always, always speak to the manager to get results. “Good. Then you understand that this won’t do at all. So if you could do whatever you need to in order to fix this, I would be greatly appreciative.” And then, just because he couldn’t be absolutely sure this man wasn’t God, he added, “Please. Thank you. Sir.”
“Huh,” Hugo said. “That was a bit of a word salad.”
“He tends to do that,” Mei whispered loudly. “Probably because he was a lawyer.”
The old man eyed Wallace up and down. “Called me Hugo. You hear that?”
“I did,” Mei said. “Maybe we should—”
“Hugo Freeman, at your service.” He bowed as low as he could.
Mei sighed. “Or we could do it this way.”
Hugo snorted. “Learn to have a little fun. It doesn’t always have to be doom and gloom. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. I’m Hugo, and you’re upset you’re dead, but not because of friends or family or some other such drivel, but because you have work to do, and this is an inconvenience.” He paused, considering. “An awful inconvenience.”
Wallace was relieved. He expected more of a fight. He was pleased he didn’t need to resort to threats of legal action. “Exactly. That’s exactly it.”
Hugo shrugged. “All right.”
“Really?” He could be back into the office by tomorrow afternoon at the latest, maybe the day after depending on how long it took him to get home. He’d have to demand that Mei bring him back as he didn’t have his wallet. If push came to shove, he’d phone the firm and have his assistant buy him a plane ticket. Sure, he didn’t have his driver’s license, but something so trivial wouldn’t stop Wallace Price. As a last resort, he could take the bus, but he wanted to avoid it if he could. He had almost a week’s worth of work to catch up on, but it was a small price to pay. He’d have to find a way to explain the whole funeral/open casket thing, but he’d figure it out. Naomi would be disappointed she wasn’t getting anything from his estate, but screw her. She’d been mean at the funeral.
“Okay,” he said. “I’m ready. How do we do this? Do you … chant or something? Sacrifice a goat?” He grimaced. “I really hope you don’t have to sacrifice a goat. I get squeamish around blood.”
“You’re in luck,” Hugo said. “We’re fresh out of goats.”
Wallace sagged. “Great. I’m ready to be alive again. I learned my lesson. I promise to be nicer to people and blah, blah, blah.”
“The joy I feel knows no bounds,” Hugo said. “Raise your arms above your head.”
Wallace did just that.
“Now jump up and down.”
Wallace did, the cable rising and falling from the floor.
“Repeat after me: ‘I want to be alive.’”
“I want to be alive.”
Hugo sighed. “You gotta mean it. Really let me hear it. Make me believe.”
“I want to be alive!” Wallace shouted as he jumped up and down, arms above his head. “I want to be alive! I want to be alive!”
“There it is!” Hugo cried. “I can feel something happening. It’s really coming. Keep going! Jump in circles!”
“I want to be alive!” Wallace bellowed as he jumped in a circle. “I want to be alive! I want to be alive!”
“And stop. Whatever you do, don’t move.”
Wallace froze, arms above his head, one leg raised, his flip-flop dangling off his foot. He could feel it working. He didn’t know how, but he did. Soon, this would all be over and he’d go back to living.
Hugo’s eyes widened. “Stay like that until I say so. Don’t even blink.”
Wallace didn’t. He stayed exactly as he was. He’d do anything to make this right again.
Hugo nodded. “Good. Now, I want you to repeat after me again: ‘I am an idiot.’”
“I am an idiot.”
“‘And I’m dead.’”
“And I’m dead.”
“‘And there’s no way for me to come back to life because that’s not how it works.’”
“And there’s … what?”
Hugo doubled over, wheezing out grating laughter. “Oh. Oh my. You should see the look on your face. It’s priceless!”
The skin under Wallace’s right eye twitched as he lowered his arms slowly, putting his foot back onto the floor. “What?”
“You’re dead,” Hugo exclaimed. “You can’t be brought back to life. That’s not how anything works. Honestly.” He elbowed Mei in the side. “You see this? What a goof. I like him. It’ll be a shame to see him go. He’s fun.”