Who’s a novelist? Danielle asked.
This lady here, said Felix. She writes books for a living. Or so she claims.
What’s your name? the man asked. I’ll put it into Google.
Alice watched this all unfold with a look of forced indifference. Alice Kelleher, she said.
Felix watched her. The man sat down on an empty chair and started typing into his phone. Alice was drinking her wine and gazing off around the room, as if uninterested.
Hunched over his phone now, the man said: Here, she’s famous. Alice did not respond, did not return Felix’s gaze. Danielle bent down over the screen to see. Look at that, she said. She’s got a Wikipedia page and everything. Felix slid off the countertop and took the phone out of his friend’s hand. He laughed, but his amusement did not seem completely sincere.
Literary work, he read aloud. Adaptations. Personal life.
That section must be short, said Alice.
Why didn’t you tell me you were famous? he said.
In a bored, almost contemptuous tone of voice she answered: I told you I was a writer.
He grinned at her. I’ll give you a tip for next time you go on a date, he said. Mention in the conversation that you’re a celebrity.
Thank you for the unsolicited dating advice. I’ll be sure to disregard it.
What, are you annoyed now because we found you on the internet?
Of course not, she said, I told you my name. I didn’t have to.
For a few seconds he continued looking at her and then he shook his head and said: You’re weird.
She laughed and said: How insightful. Why don’t you put that on my Wikipedia page?
Danielle laughed then too. A little colour had come into Felix’s face. He turned away from Alice and said: Anyone can have one of those. You probably wrote it yourself.
As if she were beginning to enjoy herself, Alice responded: No, just the books.
You must think you’re very special, he said.
What are you being so touchy about? said Danielle.
I’m not, Felix replied. He handed the phone back to his friend and then stood leaning against the fridge, arms crossed. Alice was standing at the countertop just near him.
Danielle looked at Alice and raised her eyebrows, but then the doorbell rang and Danielle went out to get it. One of the other women put on some music, and some of the men at the other end of the room started laughing about something. Alice said to Felix: If you’d like me to leave, I’ll go.
Who said I want you to leave? he asked.
A new group of people entered the room and it became noisier. No one specifically came over to speak to either Alice or Felix, and they both stood there next to the fridge in silence. Whether this experience was especially painful for either of them their features did not suggest, but after a few seconds Felix stretched his arms and said: I don’t like smoking inside. Will you come out for one? You can get to meet our dog.
Alice nodded, said nothing, and followed him out the patio door into the back garden, carrying her glass of wine.
Felix slid the door shut behind them and wandered down the grass toward a small garden shed with a makeshift tarpaulin roof. A springer spaniel immediately bounded up to meet him from the bottom of the garden, sneezed with excitement, placed its front paws on Felix’s legs and then let out a single yelp. This is Sabrina, he said. She’s not really ours, the last people who lived here just left her behind. I’m mostly the one who feeds her now, so she’s a big fan of mine. Alice said that was evident. We don’t usually keep her outside, he said. Only when we have people around. She’ll be back in tonight when everyone goes home. Alice asked if she slept in his bed and Felix laughed. She tries, he said. But she knows she’s not allowed. He ruffled the dog’s ears and said affectionately: Fool. Turning back to Alice, he added: She’s a complete idiot, by the way. Really stupid. Do you smoke? Alice was shivering and goosebumps were raised on the part of her wrist that extended out from her sleeve, but she accepted a cigarette and stood there smoking while Felix lit one himself. He took a drag, exhaled into the clean night air and looked back up at the house. Inside, it was bright and his friends were talking and gesturing. Around the warm yellow oblong of the patio doors was the darkness of the house, the grass, the clear black void of the sky.
Dani’s a nice girl, he said.
Yes, said Alice. She seems that way.
Yeah. We used to go out together.
Oh? For a long time, or?
He shrugged and said: About a year. I don’t know – more than a year, actually.
Anyway, it was ages ago, we’re good friends now.
Do you still like her?
He gazed back into the house as if catching a glimpse of Danielle might help him to resolve this question in his own mind. She’s with someone else anyway, he said.
A friend of yours?
I know him, yeah. He’s not here tonight, you might meet him again.
He turned away from the house and flicked some ash off his cigarette, causing a few lit sparks to descend slowly through the dark air. The dog bounded away past the shed, then ran around in a circle several times.
In fairness, if she could hear me, she’d be telling you I was the one who fucked it up, Felix added.
What did you do?
Ah, I was cold with her, supposedly. According to herself, anyway. You can ask her if you want.
Alice smiled and said: Would you like me to ask her?
Jesus no, not for me. I already heard enough of it at the time. I’m not still crying over it, don’t worry.
Did you cry over it then?
Well, not literally, he said. Is that what you mean? I didn’t actually cry, but like, I was pissed off, yeah.
Do you ever actually cry?
He gave a short laugh and said: No. Do you?
Oh, constantly.
Yeah? he said. What do you be crying about?
Anything, really. I suppose I’m very unhappy.
He looked at her. Seriously? he said. Why?
Nothing specific. It’s just how I feel. I find my life difficult.
After a pause he looked back at his cigarette and said: I don’t think I have the whole story on why you moved here.
It’s not a very good story, she said. I had a nervous breakdown. I was in hospital for a few weeks, and then I moved here when I got out. But it’s not mysterious – I mean, there was no reason I had a breakdown, I just did. And it’s not a secret, everyone knows.
Felix appeared to mull over this new information. Is it on your Wikipedia page? he asked.
No, I mean everyone in my life knows. Not everyone in the world.
And what did you have a breakdown about?
Nothing.
Okay, but what do you mean you had a breakdown? Like, what happened?
She exhaled a stream of smoke through the side of her mouth. I felt very out of control, she said. I was just extremely angry and upset all the time. I wasn’t in control of myself, I couldn’t live normally. I can’t explain it any more than that.
Fair enough.
They lapsed into silence. Alice drained the last of her wine from the glass, crushed her cigarette underfoot and folded her arms against her chest. Felix looked distracted and continued smoking slowly, as if he had forgotten she was there. He cleared his throat then and said: I felt a bit like that after my mam died. Last year. I just started thinking, what’s the fucking point of life, you know? It’s not like there’s anything at the end of it.
Not that I really wanted to be dead or anything, but I couldn’t be fucked being alive most the time either. I don’t know if you would call it a breakdown. I just had a few months where I was seriously not bothered about it – getting up and going to work and all that. I actually lost the job I had at the time, that’s why I’m at the warehouse now.