And for a little longer, I can breathe easily, knowing that Morris is inches from my hands.
Without thinking what I’m doing, almost on instinct, I reach a hand past the passenger seat headrest and give Morris’s shoulder a quick squeeze. Just a fast, light touch.
Thank you, I think.
It’s all I have. No money, no real plans. Just a drive to care for my baby and to keep us both safe. It’s something I would not be able to do without help, though. Without Morris.
I close my eyes and pull my hand back. I can tell he’s turned his head to look at me, but I won’t meet his eyes. I don’t want to let myself go there. No need to add fuel to the fire this man sparks in me.
This is one hour of comfort.
One day of friendship.
Then he’ll be gone, and I’ll be off to whatever passes for a new life.
7
By the time we reach my apartment, both Alice and Zoey are sound asleep. Zoey’s in full hibernation, her mouth wide open and her head angled back against the padding of her booster chair.
Alice, if it’s even possible, looks more radiant asleep than awake. She’s shifted so her head is inclined against the headrest, and she’s curled kind of halfway on her side facing Zoey, a protective hand on the booster seat even as she sleeps.
When Leo stops the car, he doesn’t immediately kill the engine. “Uh…” he mutters, looking behind him. “They’re asleep.”
I laugh, quietly, so we don’t wake them. The fact that we’ve stopped and the lack of road noise will wake them soon enough. “Here.” I hand him the key to my apartment. “Use the back entrance. The stairs are less narrow than if you go in the front. I’m on the second floor, unit three.”
“I’ll get the luggage,” he says. “What are we gonna do about her car?”
“We’ll talk inside,” I say and unbuckle my seat belt.
I slip out of the truck and open the rear passenger door by Alice. I admire the extended cab Leo’s got going. This truck is surprisingly old, but it’s in great shape. If this is any indication of the kind of work the kid does, I have no doubt he’ll be able to repair Alice’s beater. We’ll get her fixed up in no time.
Although, where she’ll go when she can leave is another matter.
“Sweetheart?” I don’t want to scare her, so I rest a hand on her knee and give her a gentle nudge. “Alice, we’re here.”
She opens her eyes as if I’ve fired a shot. She bolts upright and immediately puts her hands in front of her face and ducks down behind them.
I don’t have to ask what she’s doing.
I’ve seen it plenty of times before.
She’s obviously been awakened one too many times in anger. By someone whose fists were a wake-up call.
The fact that she has to brace herself for even one moment in my presence makes my blood boil. I clench my fists and then realize doing that may stanch my anger, but it only drives the point home to her. I release my hands fast and lean into the back seat.
“It’s okay,” I assure her, spreading an open hand on the seat. She should be able to see that my hands are nowhere near where they can hurt her. “We’re here. You want to wake up the little princess, or should we carry her? I’m on the second floor.”
I watch as Alice’s expression goes from lost and hiding to gentle realization. She peeks from between her fingers and sees Leo heading into the building, carrying her bags. She looks at me and studies my face for a long minute. She looks away when I meet her eyes directly, but then she looks back.
For a minute, we stare, locked in an exploration so potent, I feel as if she is looking through me.
“Alice?” I echo.
She nods quickly and shakes her head. “I’m sorry,” she says, licking her lips. “I dozed off. I was so…” She reaches for her purse and looks at Zoey, fast asleep beside her. “It was nice,” she says. “I think that’s the most relaxed I’ve been in…two years.”
The boulder in my chest catches fire when she says that.
Two years.
“I’ll wake her,” Alice says. “She doesn’t usually nap anymore. She must have been really worn-out.”
“You too,” I say, and Alice looks at me again. Through me.
“I was,” she agrees. “Am.” But with that admission, the moment between us ends. She turns her attention to Zoey and strokes the little girl’s hair. “Zoey,” she whispers. She leans close to her daughter’s face and gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.
I watch her wake up her baby, and I am moved by the tenderness between them.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been around kids, and most of the kids I’ve known have been little wildings, ill-mannered offspring that I had no desire to spend time around kids, let alone talk to. But the raw tenderness between Alice and Zoey makes me think about what I’ve been missing.
When Jessica talked to me about marriage, about making a life that was more than one night’s pleasure at a time, I couldn’t picture it. Wouldn’t. That domestic life’s not for me. I’m not any better suited to diaper duty than I am doing yoga or singing opera.
Fucking, drinking, and riding.
It’s what I love, and it’s my religion, politics, and lifestyle. My brothers are my family. Family dinners and shit like car seats are for other men.
“Morris?” Alice has inched up to the edge of the bench seat. “She’s really out. I may need to carry her. Would you mind grabbing the booster seat?”
She lifts her brows as if to remind me I need to move out of the doorway if I want her to pass by. But I can smell her sugar-cookie sweetness from here, and I’m drunk on it. I flare my nostrils, taking more of it in, all of it I can before I have to move aside and let her pass.
“Yeah,” I say, “I got it.”
I stand back so she has room to stick a leg out of the back seat, but then she reaches out her hand and holds it. Waiting. For me to take it. Touch her again.
The invitation hits me hard.
She trusts me.
I open my hand, and she grips mine and then jumps down onto the pavement. She smooths the strap of her handbag over her chest, slinging it crossways between her breasts with one hand while she grips my hand in the other. We stand there holding hands for a moment, Alice swaying slightly toward me. Her face is almost pressed against my chest when a small, sleepy voice calls out to us.
“Mama? Where are we?”
Alice drops my hand like it’s hot and jerks her head upright. Then she turns and sticks her head back into the truck. “I’m coming around to get you, baby,” she says.
She scurries around the front of the truck and opens the driver’s side rear door. She has Zoey out of her booster and on the ground before I can catch up.
“You okay? Awake now, Sleeping Beauty? She’s a princess, isn’t she?” I ask, looking down at the mussed hair and sleep lines on Zoey’s face.
Alice looks at me in barely contained surprise, while Zoey seems to have gone from asleep to wide awake in the few seconds it took to get her out of the car.
“Yes, she totally is a princess too,” Zoey says. She reaches for my hand and starts walking toward Leo, who is strolling back toward the truck. “Sleeping Beauty’s real name is Aurora, so her princess name…”