She takes her finger and runs it along the rim of her cup over and over again, and I become mesmerized watching her do this.
"So tell me what you saw, or do you have records of all this?”
"I don't," she says, shaking her head. "I mean, I'm going to get it, but they're just some emails that I saw and conversation I overheard. But then I had to come back here."
"Why?"
She hesitates, takes a deep breath, and then reaches for her coffee cup.
14
Jacqueline
Instead of prompting him, I'm certain about what to say. I need to talk to him about my brother, about knowing him but I can't just come right out with it. I can't just come at him out of fear and then my whole secret has been blown. I need to take this carefully.
“I need to tell you about Vasko."
The words just escape my lips. It's like I opened my mouth and something starts to come out and before I know it, it seems like a plausible explanation.
Of course this is why I would reach out to him. I picked the job, and I found something. Besides, now he'll have a reason to keep me around.
But what am I trying to do? I look into his piercing eyes and I lose myself there for a moment. Part of me knows that he wouldn't lie to me, but a part me of isn't too sure.
I'm both an idealist and a cynic and those two parts of me keep fighting battles with one another. Battles that neither side can win.
We sit across from one another for a while and he asks me more. I don't tell him. I tell him that I've seen the emails briefly and I heard about the conversation, a million dollars that's going to be transferred to the Cayman Islands but the details are vague.
None of this is true.
For all I know, Vasko's completely on the up and up. For all I know, he's a complete fraud, but I haven't been working there long enough to find out which one he is. It doesn't seem to stop Dante from believing me despite thinking that I would cheat on him and probably considering me a liar. Me taking that job is something that held his interest as I knew it would. Sitting here across from him surrounded by all the strangers, I feel really drawn into this old life.
I miss him of course, and I wish that we hadn't broken up, but now I've been finding out that he's been keeping something from me. I realize that there's more to him than I ever knew. Dante takes the bait, the Vasko situation is of great interest to him and his investors and he wants to know more.
"When do you go back to Seattle?"
"I don't know. After this week, I think."
"Then why are you back? Wait, did something happen?" He's leading again and I'm following.
"Yeah, my mom had to go to her doctor's appointment and get another checkup, see if maybe the cancer has returned and I wanted to go with her. I got some time off."
"Good. Well, I'm glad that you like where you're working."
"Yeah, Vasko's very nice. Friendly, understanding."
There’s a sudden change in Dante's demeanor. When I say that, he seems to shift. He has seen him before and he knows how attractive he is; arrogant perhaps, but not in an entirely non-charming way.
"Are you and he ...?"
"What?" I ask, reaching over the table and grabbing a packet of sugar. I want him to finish his sentence.
"Are you seeing anyone?" He pivots a little bit.
"No. I miss you," I say, "and I'm sorry for what happened."
He turns away from me. "Not everything that comes out of your mouth makes a lot of sense."
In this particular case, I probably should not have mentioned that I miss him, but it's too late now. There's a heaviness that sits on his shoulders and I wonder if it has anything to do with my brother, or maybe nothing at all, maybe he just doesn't care. Maybe he figured that I would never know, so why bother telling.
"Is that true?" he asks. "That you miss me?"
I shrug and nod.
The conversation is becoming convoluted. I don't know who’s telling the truth and who's not, and a big part of me is lying even to myself. The place gets crowded, too crowded for us to talk privately.
We decide to leave. I follow him out. He walks me over to the parking lot and I scan, looking for his car.
"I parked a little bit out of the way,” Dante says. "I was actually at another store a couple of streets over."
"Do you want a ride?" I ask, pointing to the darkening weather. He shakes his head no.
"Listen.” He takes a step closer to me, our eyes meet and suddenly, the man that I loved returns. "I should have called you back after Seattle. It was really harsh of me not to. I could say that I was hurt, and I was, but there was no excuse. That was selfish of me."
"Don't worry about it," I say, and he shakes his head.
"No, it wasn't right."
I cross my arms and lean against my car, suddenly remembering that it's wet when it soaks through my jeans.
"Look, we all make mistakes, and let's just say, I have a lot of regrets in life, and this is one of my biggest ones."
I bite my lower lip. Again, this could be nothing but a game. Suddenly, he's very interested after I tell him about Vasko. But it would be a lie to say that I wasn't intrigued as well, not romantically necessarily but by simply being in his presence.
"When you get back to Seattle, will you send me any of the emails that you find?" Dante asks. "And if you overhear any more conversations, can you send those along as well?"
I nod slightly.
"Do you know how to record them?"
I shake my head no.
"Give me your phone."
I pull it out of my purse and our hands touch briefly when I hand it to him, sending a thunderbolt through my body. He takes it from me, goes to the App Store, and downloads an app. Then he shows me how to use it.
"You just click here to record a phone call and click here if you want to record something else. This app will record everything even if it's in your purse."
I nod and he puts the phone back in my purse leaning over me. Our shoulders touch a little bit and we remain here for a moment without pulling away.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "How do you know my brother?" But I have to physically restrain myself from doing this.
As much as I want to know the answer to that question, there's another part of me that yearns for him, for his touch, for his cuddles, for his love. I pull myself toward him. And just as he leans down and looks down at my lips, I look up and push away.
I have to have the upper hand in this. He can't think that the only reason I reached out is because of Vasko. He can't think that I want to get back together because that's never going to happen.
He pulls away from me. When I open the car door, he closes it behind me. I roll down the window after starting the engine and he stands a little bit back from the car and stares at me whispering something.
"What?" I ask. "Did you say something?"
"Thank you for calling,” Dante says slowly. "Thank you for not giving up. I was so angry and I couldn't think."
We stretch out our moment once again and time seems to become almost elastic during this process. He watches me and I watch him, so when someone beeps in the distance I finally grab the wheel and pull out of the parking spot.