At least my sneakers looked usable. I ripped open the other bag with high hopes. Other than a slightly musty odor from disuse, they looked fine. I carefully sat in a chair to put them on instead of doing the one-foot flamingo. I couldn’t afford a fall, and I needed to conserve my energy. I also needed to hurry the fuck up. After I tied the laces, I stood. It felt strange wearing shoes again after a few weeks of just socks.
I thought briefly about what to do. I couldn’t just stroll down to the lobby in a hospital gown and sneakers… for many reasons. My bare ass hanging out might make “incognito” a bit of a stretch. But I certainly wasn’t the only person on this floor. Maybe the guy next door had been admitted with better personal effects.
I peered out of the glass cutout in my door. The hall was never empty, but it didn’t have to be. I just had to be casual and look like I knew what I was doing and where I was going. I took a deep breath. Now or never. I opened the door and stepped out into the brightly lit hall. It felt like a spotlight was on me as I shuffled down the hallway, but when I glanced up, no one was paying me the slightest bit of attention. I slipped into the first open door I came to. There was a man in the bed sleeping while the TV flickered in the background.
I made my way to the closet on silent feet and found a clear bag much like the one they’d put my stuff in. Not a stain of blood in sight. When I opened the bag a little, I didn’t smell anything other than the faint whiff of aftershave. Perfect. I shook out the clothes, only to find a shirt with a beer slogan on it and a pair of jogging pants that snapped up the sides. The man and I were about the same height apparently—six feet or so—but we certainly weren’t the same girth. After the clothes swallowed me whole, I thanked the Lord that the pants had a drawstring. I drew it tight as possible and prayed I wouldn’t trip on the pant legs.
After another deep breath, I slipped back out into the hallway. This time I didn’t shuffle; I attempted to walk as normally as possible. I don’t know how successful I was—as an orderly glanced at me as I passed by—but that could be for several reasons. Maybe he was curious why I was taking the baggy trend to the extreme and wearing clothes big enough for two of me. Maybe he was curious why I was so sweaty and pale. Or maybe he was curious why I was standing in front of an open elevator door and thinking of reasons why he was curious.
I stepped on and jammed my finger against the lobby button. I didn’t feel relieved until I exited the lobby. I looked left and right, wondering where I was going to go. The answer came almost immediately. Anywhere but here. The April air was crisp and cold, and I immediately felt chilled to the bone. I spared a brief moment to wish that there had been a coat in that closet before I jammed my hands in my pockets.
I chose to make a left at the end of the drive and headed down the street.
6
As I trundled down the street aimlessly, my idea of escape didn’t seem all that bright. Things had just made so much sense in the warmth of the hospital. I was a proactive, industrious person who was not at all an idiot, and getting out into the city would jog my memory. That was hours ago. Now I was just a tired, slightly confused gunshot victim who’d gotten scared and flown the coop.
Then there was the fact that I had no place to go. I could only assume that if I’d had an apartment, the landlord had evicted me and tossed out my stuff by now. And even if I knew where it was, I didn’t know if Andy would be there or not. I could go back to the hospital, but that didn’t appeal much. Nor did I relish explaining my thought process regarding my sudden departure.
I wasn’t sure if my actions had increased or decreased the danger level of my situation. On the plus side, Andy didn’t know where I was. I suspected he wasn’t as nice as he appeared, and I could do without all the touchy-feely crap from a virtual stranger. I blew out a breath. On the minus side, I could’ve just run out on my partner. My hesitancy could be a manifestation of latent guilt from what I’d done to Gray…my brain’s refusal to acknowledge what I’d done.
Did I mention I was confused?
Also on the minus side, my danger of freezing to death had increased exponentially. And then it started to rain. Well, there you go.
The streets were wet and cold and dark, dimly lit by the streetlights. The warm glow inside of a shop caught my eye, and I wandered closer, drawn like the proverbial moth to a flame. I didn’t know why I bothered. I had no money, and I wasn’t about to beg. A little something called pride settled in my belly like concrete in my shoes. I pulled the collar of my shirt up as high as it would go. I might as well have been using tissue paper the way the wind cut through the flimsy fabric.
I stared in the slightly frosted window at the cozy scene inside. A couple of people sat at tables, chatting and talking on their phones. Warm. Safe. I looked at the table closest to me. Two guys were sharing a ginormous muffin. One of the guys was doing more talking than eating, while the guy across the table watched him with a look of fond amusement.
And there was another memory. Gray and I had come to this very shop…or at least one that looked just like it. I frowned. No, it had to be this one because it was close to the hospital. I used to meet him here sometimes during his residency. He’d been working crazy hours, and we had to steal what little time we had together where we could, whenever we could. If I remembered correctly, this place was also close to our old shitty apartment.
I rubbed my forehead as the memories kept rushing through my mind in broken fits and starts. We’d moved…somewhere after he’d completed his residency. I didn’t remember what it looked like, but I knew it was nice. Although anything was nicer than that tiny shoebox we’d shared. Gray came from money, but he hadn’t gained access to his trust yet, and he didn’t like to ask his mother for help.
I frowned at my reflection. A barista cleaning a table nearby glanced at the window and did a comical double-take. Her gaze quickly turned suspicious. I didn’t blame her. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been leaning against the glass like a human pucker doll, lost in my memories. I offered her an apologetic smile as I backed away.
I walked on.
The sound of a car moving slowly down the street pricked my ears. My heart rate kicked up even though it probably had nothing to do with me. I continued to mosey on down the sidewalk, picking my way through the puddles. Water was starting to soak through my sneakers, and my socks felt damp.
The car didn’t get faster. Instead, it slid alongside me. I swallowed hard before I turned to see a sleek, black Audi. The window came down silently, and I saw Gray’s irritated face. I couldn’t help how my heart raced just at his proximity, even though he looked like he wanted to strangle me. He didn’t come because he misses you, fool. He’s here to take you back to the hospital. That thought cut through my joy like a hot knife through butter.
“Get in.” His voice brooked no resistance.
“No, thanks.” I kept walking, faster this time.
His engine revved slightly as he started driving slowly beside me. “Chris.” When I didn’t even glance his way, I heard a muffled curse. Then, louder, “Christian, this is stupid. It’s freezing and raining, and you’re not fully healed yet. You’re going to catch your death out here.”