“Maybe. Or maybe not… I don’t know. I’m so confused.” I turn back to the window, gazing at the firehouse across the street where only half an hour ago I was happier than I’ve been in ages.
Argh! Why did Jamison have to start looking at me with mushy eyes and saying sweet things and ruin everything?
“I thought I was ready, but maybe I’m not. Maybe it’s too soon to jump into something serious with lots of feelings in it,” I continue, spinning away from the window. “Especially with a guy like Jamison. He’s been my friend since we were little and I love him, but I know what he’s really like. He’s the nicest heartbreaker ever, but he’s still a heartbreaker.”
“Now, slow down for a second,” Dawn says, but I push on.
“I mean, I’ve never seen him in a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks, and never anything serious.” I pace faster, running a shaking hand through my hair. “He says there was this woman, Wendy, in Atlanta that he was ready to commit to at one point, but no one in Bliss River ever met her. And how serious could it have been if he never brought her home to meet his family or friends?”
“Maddie, I think—”
“And what is wrong with him, anyway?” I huff. “To start saying things like ‘the morning doesn’t feel right without you’ to me right now? We’ve only been dating a week and I’m nowhere near as pretty as most of the girls he’s dated or as thin or as blond. I mean, sure, I have big boobs, but that’s only because I have a big bottom to match, and I’ve never seen Jamison with a girl with a big bottom. Never. So where is this obsession with my parts even coming from? And why is he—”
“Maddie!” Dawn shouts, loud enough to make me flinch and my mouth snap shut. “Stop this! You’re being crazy.”
“No, I’m not,” I say in a small voice, hurt that she can’t see where I’m coming from. “I’m trying to be rational.”
“Honey, love isn’t rational,” she says gently. “I’m not saying you should jump in blindly and ignore your reservations about Jamison. But bailing on him when you’re the one who said you were open to something serious isn’t fair either.”
I bite my lip. “Then what should I do?”
“Talk to him,” she says, as if that’s the easiest thing in the world. “Talk to him about your concerns and see what he has to say. He might surprise you. It sounds like there’s more going on in his head and his heart than you’re giving him credit for.”
I pull in a deep breath and let it out slowly, seriously considering what she’s said. Considering I’ve been naked with Jamison at least a dozen times, the thought of talking honestly with him shouldn’t be all that scary. But it is. This won’t be witty banter or light conversation, this will be the real Maddie standing in front of him, dressed in nothing but my fear and insecurities.
But Dawn’s right.
Jamison deserves to know what I’m thinking before I cut and run.
“Okay,” I finally say. “I’ll talk to him. Tonight.”
“Good,” Dawn says. “Now can I ask your advice on something?”
“Sure thing.” I relax, immediately feeling more like myself now that the conversation is shifting away from my problems. I’ve always been more comfortable being the strong shoulder than the one shedding tears on it.
“I’m thinking about moving to Atlanta. Like, in the next week,” she says, triggering a squeal of excitement from me.
Dawn’s lived in Little Rock, Arkansas, for years, far enough away that we only see each other once or twice a year. Having another best friend close to home sounds like Christmas coming early to me.
“Don’t get too excited yet,” she continues with a laugh. “I’ve had a job offer, a good one, at a private college where I’ll make almost double what I’m making now. They need someone ASAP because their full-time art professor eloped with their part-time art professor. But if I move, then Dave and I will have to work out a new custody arrangement. It’s already been hard getting the kids back and forth since he moved to Memphis. We couldn’t manage with any more distance.”
“Is he open to that?” I ask.
“Yeah, but under the new agreement, he’d have kids for six weeks in the summer. I’ve never been apart from them for that long, Maddie. I don’t know if I could handle it.”
“Maybe you could break it up a little?” I suggest. “Three weeks at the start of the summer, and three weeks at the end or something?”
Dawn makes a considering sound. “That could work, but even three weeks seems like a lot. I was missing them like crazy after the retreat and that was only a few days.”
“I can imagine,” I say. “It’s definitely a hard call.”
We talk for a few more minutes—weighing the pros and cons of the potential move—and by the time we hang up I’m grateful for the much-needed shift in perspective.
Sure, I went through a terrible break-up and maybe have a few more scars than I realized until confronted with another man acting like he cares about me. But at least Serge and I don’t have to worry about custody or visitation. In many ways I’m far less encumbered by my previous relationship failures than my friends.
Now I just need to woman up and take my love life by the horns. I have to gather my courage and confront Jamison.
If he’s as into me as he seems to be, he’ll be willing to talk through my issues.
And if he isn’t inclined to listen…
Well, that will tell me everything I need to know about whether it’s time to end things.
I tuck my cell into my pocket and hurry down the stairs, feeling lighter than I have since I crawled off the fire station roof.
I sweep behind the counter, fill orders faster than Lucy can ring them up, and whip up dough for tomorrow like a speed demon. I concentrate on work, refusing to glance at the clock or count down the hours until Jamison is due to give his secret knock at my back door.
Chapter Twelve
Jamison
I step into The Horse and Rider around four o’clock, still feeling off-kilter after this morning with Maddie.
I keep racking my brain, trying to figure out where I went wrong and coming up empty. I talked about feelings a little, I guess, but in my experience most women love that kind of thing.
Besides, Maddie’s the one who said she wanted us to have a shot at something serious.
Maybe she’s changed her mind.
Maybe she’s decided you’re not relationship material, after all.
Scowling at the thought, I cross the room and settle onto a stool near the bar. I order a Corona, hoping a beer or two before I meet up with Maddie will help me relax.
Being stressed is one of my least favorite things, and not a feeling I usually associate with dating.
The moment things get stressful, I walk. I routinely bail at the first sign of impending angst and have never felt bad about it. My philosophy has always been—beginnings should be easy. If they’re not, better to get out before shit gets any worse.
But the thought of putting an end to things with Maddie makes my stomach pitch. I love being with her. Making her laugh, making her come, seeing her eyes light up every time I walk in a room because she loves having me around.