“I’m glad you talked to me. My therapist has helped me to see that none of what happened was my fault. That’s true for you, too.”
“I figure it must’ve been partly my fault if she wanted to sleep with someone else.”
“That’s on her, not you. If something wasn’t right for her with you, all she had to do was tell you, and you could’ve tried to work it out. What she did was evil on several levels.” She closed her eyes, just for a second, and immediately regretted it when the room started spinning. “Ugh, room spins.”
Noah moved closer to her. “Hang on to me. That’ll stop the spinning.”
She glanced up at him. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“It’s better than puking in the bed.”
“That’s very true. Okay, here goes.” She placed her hand on his shoulder and tried closing her eyes again. The room tilt was less severe than it had been before.
“Breathe through the spins.”
“You seem to have some rather significant experience with room spins.”
“A little. The bottle was my friend after my life imploded.”
“You’re lucky you could find that oblivion. I couldn’t keep anything down for months. I survived on water and soup. Lost twenty pounds, so that was the good news.”
“You don’t have twenty pounds to lose.”
Since the spinning had stopped because she held on to him, she kept her eyes closed. “I did then. I still have trouble eating sometimes. I get this lump in my throat that won’t let anything by.” She took a deep breath and released it, hoping she wasn’t killing him with booze fumes. “Do you ever miss her? The person she was before she did what she did to you?”
“Sometimes, and I hate that.”
“Me, too. I find myself yearning for the life I had before I found out the truth, even though now I know it was all lies. He never loved me. He’s not capable of loving anyone but himself. I think that was the hardest thing to accept.”
“He didn’t deserve you.”
“No, he didn’t.”
That was the last thing she said before she fell asleep, still clinging to him.
She had an adorable little snore that made him smile as he listened to the rhythmic sound of her breathing.
He wanted to laugh at how this evening had unfolded. He’d gone from dreading the outing to sleeping next to Brianna, with her holding on to him for dear life. In addition to her adorable snore, she was also a cute drunk.
Noah also couldn’t help but notice he felt strangely lighter after confiding in her about the most painful event in his life. The breakup of his marriage had made his father leaving the family look simple by comparison, when it was anything but.
He was awake for a long time, picking over the things they’d talked about and wondering if maybe she was right. He’d allowed what his wife and former friend had done to make him into a cranky recluse who avoided interactions with other people as much as he possibly could—even the people closest to him.
Take the way his mother had cornered him first thing in the morning, wanting to lay eyes on him for the first time in weeks when they lived on the same street. He took care of shoveling her snow, but he rarely stopped in to say hello to her. That needed to change. None of the shit that’d happened to him was her fault, and after everything she’d done for him and his siblings, he owed her better than what she’d gotten from him the last few years.
Noah eventually dozed off, but a sound had him jolting awake sometime later to realize it was Brianna, whimpering in her sleep. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he moved a little closer and rested a hand on her back, which seemed to settle her.
“Please,” she whispered. “Don’t do this.”
Was she talking to him?
He raised his hand from her back, and she whimpered again. So, he put it back.
“Rem… Don’t go. Please.” A sound that might’ve been a sob came from her, and Noah’s heart broke for her.
“Brianna,” he whispered. “Wake up.”
He’d left the bedside light on in case she woke during the night and forgot where she was, which was how he saw her eyes flutter open.
She blinked several times, her brows furrowing in surprise, maybe, to see him there.
“I think you were dreaming.”
“Oh.” She licked her lips. “Did I say anything?”
“You were talking about your husband.”
Her eyes filled and then closed, tears leaking out the sides. “That hasn’t happened in a while.”
“What hasn’t?”
“Dreams. About Rem. Used to happen a lot. I’d wake up and realize I’d dreamed about everything being normal, and I’d have to remember what happened all over again. That was torture.”
“I’ve had a few of those dreams, too. It’s the worst. Fucks me up for days afterward.”
“Yeah.”
“You want some water or something?”
“That might be good. My head is pounding.”
“Coming right up.” He got off the bed and went to the bathroom to fill a glass with tap water. In the closet, he rifled through the various offerings until he found a packet of painkillers. The good old Pig’s Belly thought of everything. He brought the items to her and sat on the edge of the mattress. “Found some pills.”
“Oh good. That’ll save tomorrow from being a total loss.” She took the glass and downed the pills, chasing them with a drink of water. “It’s not like me to party on a school night.”
“You’re a good girl, then, huh?”
“I always tried to be. For all the good that did me.”
“Remember what you said to me? None of this was your fault.”
“And I believe that. I honestly do. But I can’t help but wonder why he chose to target me. What was wrong with me that made him think I’d make such an easy mark?”
Noah couldn’t help himself. He reached out and tucked a stray curl behind her ear, even though he knew as he was doing it that touching her was a mistake. “There is nothing wrong with you.”
“There must be something. He played me so easily.”
“You cared about the guy. Any time you care about someone else, you’re taking a gamble. Some gambles pay off. Some don’t. But it takes guts to risk yourself that way.”
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to gamble again?”
“I don’t know. How about you?”
“No idea. I’ve kind of lost my nerve.”
“You’ll get it back when the time is right.”
“You think so?” she asked in a wistful tone.
“I do.”
“Will you?”
“I hope so.”
They stared at each other for a long, breathless moment.
Noah could hear his better judgment screaming at him to move away from her, to go back to his side of the bed and stay there. But he didn’t do that. It was almost as if he couldn’t move, even if he’d wanted to, which he didn’t, not with her soft hair curling around his fingers.
He wasn’t sure who moved first, but later, he would decide it was her. It made him feel better to think he hadn’t kissed her. No, she kissed him, and he let her. That was how it went because it would be highly inappropriate for him to kiss the architect overseeing the biggest job of his career.