“I appreciate that.” Gola stopped walking.
“What?”
“I have to go back there.”
“Why?” Hadn’t she had enough?
“I need to give Zac a piece of my mind.”
“It won’t change anything. You know that, right?”
“It will make me feel better,” Gola said.
Well, hell. He wasn’t about to let her go in to face more public humiliation by herself. “I will accompany you, then.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.” Perhaps he would give Tula a piece of his mind, too.
Gola stared down at him for a moment. “Thank you, Hilbert. I really mean it.”
“What are unattractive friends for?”
“Friends.” Gola gave him a nod. “I could really use one right now.”
“Honestly, so could I.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
The next morning, Zac woke to a terrible pain in his head and an ache in his noodle. He slid his chubby little fingers over the naked member. It was swollen to the width of a pencil. Motherfucker. What happened?
Slowly, he sat up and looked around. The room had plush burgundy velvet curtains and a huge mirror on one wall. The bed was covered in black satin sheets. Home!
Okay, so he was in his room, naked in his waterbed.
Slowly, he turned his head toward the sound of a snoring log next to him. Oh gods. Say it isn’t so. Gola was passed out facing the other way, her flat ass pointing right at him.
Jeez. Now there’s a sight. At least she had clothes on. He was only wearing his kilt, and that was up around his midriff.
What happened? Memories of last night began sifting into his head. He and Gola had gone back to the party but were unable to find Tula and Hilbert. Assuming they’d left, Zac and Gola had decided to attack a bottle of tequila.
Wait. No. Gola and I did a shots competition. Zac vaguely recalled the people at the party screaming, “Shots! Shots! Shots!” as he and Gola competed to see how many each could do in sixty seconds. She won. Then she proceeded to outdrink five other guys.
Impressive.
Then they’d danced to some horrible techno-tango music. Still, they were having fun until he’d spotted Hilbert with his hands all over Tula in a dark corner of the room. He then attacked Hilbert, which was a stupid choice because Hilbert had Zac’s seven-foot body along with incredible strength.
Basically, I tried to kick the shit out of myself. Wonderful. Tula had been horrified and screaming while they fought. Zac got punched in the noodle. Then the host of the party had Zac thrown out. Gola got him home safely.
Ugh…my head. Zac squeezed his temples between his hands and made his way to the kitchen, looking for anything edible or drinkable. Unfortunately, he hadn’t done any shopping this past year, so all he found was some cold beer, frozen blueberries, and a strawberry Pop-Tart.
Zac climbed up on the barstool and sat at the black granite breakfast bar, replaying last night over again in his throbbing head.
With his own eyes, he’d seen how Tula became another person once Hilbert entered the room in Zac’s body. She acted all sweet and in love, but it was just that, wasn’t it? An act.
If she truly loved me, she would have noticed another man occupying my skin. She would have looked past his homely demon face and seen the man she swore to love.
Honestly, Tula deserved to be with a demon like Hilbert, or ultimately Maury. They were both superficial and evil. I’d rather hang out with Gola. At least she was genuine. And nice. In fact, it didn’t make sense that she was so into Hilbert, aka the imposter. Hilbert had snubbed her hard. But he’d seen the look in Gola’s eyes when she gazed upon his face. His real Zac-face. It was pure love…
A pit formed in Zac’s stomach. Love. Pure love.
The wheels in his head began spinning. Gola was in love with the man she believed was Zac. A ton of stupid bricks slammed down on his stupid head. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! Why hadn’t he seen it before? Fucking demons! So sneaky.
Zac hopped to his feet and rushed to his bedroom, where Gola’s head lay in a puddle of slobber on the pillow. He stared down at the huge woman with pasty, pink skin and a huge boil on her nose.
Tula. Was it really her?
If so, then that meant she too was in a demon body! And the real Gola was inside Tula’s body.
Dear gods. All along, he’d been after the wrong woman! It all made so much sense now. Gola had been protective of Tula, but really, that was Tula protecting her human body. She probably feared what a demon might do with it: sex with strange men, excessive drinking, getting a tattoo of random celebrities. Demon fun.
Zac winced, imagining Tula with a portrait of The Rock or Jason Statham inked across her back. Now that would make doggy-style sex awkward.
So what next? Tula had no idea that he was in Hilbert’s body, but there had definitely been a connection between them. He’d felt it last night as they went on that walk. Later, when they danced, there was this moment when he forgot all about his broken heart. He’d even forgotten how incredibly ugly Gola was. I just…had a good time.
Zac tiptoed out of his bedroom, mulling. What should I do? Obviously, he couldn’t break the rules and tell Tula what he’d figured out.
I have to woo her, get her to fall for me. Zac winced. Oh gods, I’ll have to do it while looking at that face. The huge glasses, the pus-covered nose, the drooling mouth. He pushed a hand over his nauseous stomach.
Could he do it? Could he stand looking at her long enough to woo her? I must. I must try. But the greater question was whether he could get Tula to look past his shell—the huge belly, the watermelon thighs and cankles, the lack of a neck and stringy, thinning hair. Don’t get me started on my teeth. He’d seen cleaner mouths on sex fairies.
Without a doubt, this was not going to be easy.
But he had to try. He had to make Tula see past his nasty demon body while trying not to vomit on her. True love was on the line.
CHAPTER NINE
Siberia. Twelve Days Earlier…
Tula knew her body was about to give out from dehydration. The signs were all there. Dry mouth. Dizziness. Leg cramps. A thirst that wouldn’t quit.
Son of a biscuit! She should’ve turned back with Yuri six hours ago. Now her water bottle was empty, and she had no hope of leaving this cave alive unless she magically encountered a sparkling-clean waterfall.
Worst of all, there was no sign of the entrance to the underworld. No sign of anything other than miles of hot, fart-scented tunnels. She was almost certain the portal had to be close, but how much longer could she go on? Without water, she wasn’t going to make it another five minutes.
Tula’s flashlight flickered off. “No. Don’t you dare die on me!” She slapped the side of the long silver tube. “Come on. Come on! At least wait until I’m dead!”
The flashlight stayed dark.
“Fudge! Fudge! Fudge!” Tula plunked down on the damp, rocky floor, too tired to care about the sharp stones pushing into her rear. Guess I’m getting into the underworld after all. Only now, it would be a one-way ticket. No coming back this time.
The best she could hope for was a quick, painless death. If she was really lucky, maybe she’d find Zac in the underworld to say her goodbyes and learn the truth once and for all. Did he ever love her?