“Don’t,” I say, my throat closing against the sobs that want to erupt. “Please.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“You do, Dale. You always have a choice.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I walk toward him. “I do. I understand. Your Syrah vineyards were harmed.”
“Not harmed, Ashley. Burned.”
“Not all of them, and you don’t know that they won’t come back.”
“I know the harvest is lost.”
“Only half of it. Plus, most of it has already been harvested.”
He rakes his fingers through his blond mane of hair, catching them on a tangle. He tugs, his lips turning down in a frown. “You don’t get it.”
“Maybe not. Maybe I don’t know what you’re feeling, but Colorado Pike—”
“Fuck the Pikes,” he roars.
I love him. I love Dale so much, but this comment rubs me the wrong way. “Fuck the Pikes? Really? That’s self-absorption on your part. They lost way more than you did in this fire.”
“Did they?”
“Haven’t you seen the news? Didn’t the guy who found you tell you?”
“It was still happening when he found me,” Dale says.
“Turn on the fucking news, then. Check your phone. They lost three quarters of all their vines, Dale.”
“Then they didn’t adequately prepare.”
“Firebreaks aren’t guarantees. If they were, you wouldn’t have lost what you did. Think about that. You lost half of one varietal. That’s it.”
“You don’t know me at all,” he says in a monotone. “You don’t now, and you never will.”
I whip my hands to my hips. “I know you’ve suffered a loss. It’s a loss to me too. I know what those vines mean to you. I know better than anyone. But they’re things, Dale. Just things.”
Then a thought pops into my mind. He just lost his birth father as well, and though I don’t know what the man meant to Dale, I do know it sent him on a trek into the mountains to deal with something alone.
I open my mouth to say as much, but he beats me to it.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, so stop it, Ashley. Just stop it.”
“I was going to apologize,” I say. “You just lost your father. Birth father, I mean. He’s not a thing. I’m sorry, Dale. I wasn’t thinking.”
He scoffs. “Floyd Jolly didn’t mean shit to me.”
“Then why did you—”
He rakes his hand through his locks once more, snagging his fingers again. “You’ll never understand. No one will ever understand.”
“You’re right,” I tell him. “No one will because you don’t give anyone a chance. Talk to me, Dale. Tell me what’s going on. Let me help you.”
“Fuck you,” he roars.
“Yeah? Well, fuck you too!” I advance toward him. “You’re not the only one who’s ever been hurt. You may think you are, but you’re not. I’m sorry, Dale. I’m so fucking sorry about the Syrah. I’m sorry about whatever happened with your birth father. I’m sorry for every horrible thing that’s ever happened to you. I am. Truly. But until you let someone crash through that wall you’ve built around yourself, you’re never going to heal. I’m going back to your parents’ house.”
He grips my shoulders. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“Oh, yeah? You want to watch me?” I pull away, but his grip is too strong. “Let go of me!”
“No,” he says.
“You want me to scream? I swear I’ll scream so loud your parents will hear me.”
“They’re a half mile away,” he says. “No one will hear you, Ashley.”
“Fuck you!” I whip my head toward his hand on my right shoulder and sink my teeth into the space between his thumb and index finger.
He releases me. “What the fuck?”
“I’m out of here. I love you, Dale, but until you let me in, we have nothing.” I grab my purse off the kitchen table and walk out the back door.
“Fine,” he says. “Get the fuck out of here, and don’t bother coming back!”
The tears come then, welling in the bottom of my eyes. I sniff them back. I have to make it to the main house. Penny pants at my heels.
I pet her soft head. “Bye, sweetie. I love you.” Then I open the gate and head up the pathway to the main house.
Shit. The tears come. I can’t stop them with all the willpower I possess. I rummage through the purse hanging off my shoulder and find a tissue. Only one, but it will have to do. I blow my nose, soiling the tissue in record time. A heavy sigh leaves my throat.
And I walk.
I walk away.
Away from the man I love.
Chapter Thirteen
Dale
I can’t let myself feel anything. Just like last night, when I saw my vines.
I’m a master at swallowing up emotion. Swallowing up pain.
She’s gone. I knew there was no future. Not with someone as wonderful as Ashley White. She’s all light where I’m all dark.
She deserves sunshine and puppies and rainbows.
All I offer is darkness.
I walk back to my bedroom and into the master bath.
My reflection startles me.
I knew I was dirty, but even I wasn’t prepared for what I see.
I look like a caveman, my hair a mass of knots. Even a small twig is tangled in some of my strands. My face is ruddy, my lips chapped. My eyes bloodshot and heavy-lidded. Streaks of black ash cover my cheeks, and my hands are disgusting.
This is what I forced upon Ashley last night.
She didn’t hesitate to take me as I was.
She didn’t say no.
She didn’t stop me.
She let me do what I needed to. Kiss her, bite her nipples, slap her ass.
Fuck her hard and fuck her fast.
She gave me what I yearned for.
Yes, I gave her a dozen orgasms, but I did that for me as well.
It was all about me last night.
Self-absorption. The word she used to describe me this morning.
She was right to yell at me for the comment about the Pikes. To walk out. I’m being self-absorbed. I’ve always been self-absorbed, unwilling to share my pain with people who want to help me bear the burden of it.
Never.
Never will I share my pain with Ashley.
Never will I taint her with the demons that lurk inside me.
Never.
I turn on the shower, even now resistant to cleaning my body. Right now, physically, I resemble myself on the inside. A mess. Dirty. Smelly. Dark and tainted.
If I don’t shower, the world will see me as I truly am.
Perhaps it’s time.
Still, though, I shed my jeans and step into the shower. I turn the steam faucet and drop a few drips of peppermint essential oil onto the shower floor.
I’m congested from breathing smoke. My throat is parched and aching.
I stand under one of the dual showerheads, letting the nearly scalding water rain on my head. I close my eyes. Inhale. The steam is rising. Soon it will fill the shower, and the brisk peppermint will help clear my sinuses.