I wish I could tell her my plan for us right now, but it's too soon. I need more time before I tell her, mainly because I'm scared shitless to do it. The words are dying to come out, but I'm afraid to actually say them. What if I do and she rejects me? Tells me she doesn't feel the same way? What if telling her ruins our friendship?
I can't lose our friendship. Riley's my closest friend. She means everything to me.
"You going out with anyone?" Pat asks.
I force my eyes off Riley and back to Pat. "You mean dating?"
He laughs. "Yeah. What the hell did you think I meant?"
"I'm not dating anyone." I bite into my pizza.
"Good, because I want to set you up with Kristen," he says, leaning back in the booth. His arm bumps Riley's and she moves over.
"Kristen?" she says. "Your cousin? Isn't she like 30?"
"Twenty-eight," he says. "But she's a young 28. And Nate's an old 22, so they'd make a good match."
"I'm not going out with Kristen," I tell him.
"Why not? You're both single and you said she was hot."
"When did I ever say she was hot?"
Riley answers. "Tenth grade. She came to school to pick up Pat after band practice and you said she was hot."
"That was forever ago. Why would you even remember that?"
She shrugs. "It was the first time I saw you that excited about a girl. You went on and on about how hot she was."
"I think you're remembering it wrong. I don't even remember what she looked like back then, so she obviously didn't make that much of an impression on me."
Tenth grade was when I really started to like Riley as more than a friend, but I didn't want her to know. Maybe that's why I made such a big deal about Kristen. To throw Riley off and make her think I liked other girls when I really only wanted her.
"C'mon, man, just go out with her," Pat says. "She just broke up with her boyfriend and she's been feeling really down."
"You want me to be her rebound guy? No thanks."
"How do you know she'd go out with him?" Riley asks. "Does she even remember him?"
Pat smiles at me. "She definitely remembers him. She saw him last summer at the pool. She was going to ask him out, but didn't because she saw him with a girl and thought she was his girlfriend."
"What girl?" I ask.
"Riley," he says, glancing back at the hostess stand. "Where the hell is Sara? She better not be outside talking on her phone."
"Why would Kristen think Nate and I are dating?" Riley asks.
Pat turns back to her. "You two are inseparable. Everyone thinks you guys are dating. You even act like you are."
"No we don't," she insists.
"Yeah, right." He rolls his eyes.
"What do you mean?" she asks. "What do we do?"
"You hold hands. You're always hugging each other. Nate's always got his arm around you. And that look he's always giving you."
My heart thunders in my chest, hoping he doesn't tell her. I'm sure he knows I love her, but I don't want him saying it. Because saying it will make her ask me if it's true and I'm not ready to have that conversation.
"What look?" Riley asks.
"There's people waiting to be seated," I say, nodding at the hostess stand.
Pat looks back and sighs. "Where the hell is Sara?" He gets up. "I gotta go. Enjoy your disgusting pizza."
Riley grabs a slice. "It's really good today. Even better than last time we were here."
"I think they used better bacon this time." I pick up my soda and take a drink. "So what should we do after this? Want to go see a movie?"
"I don't really feel like a movie. Let's just go to your house and hang out."
Riley loves going to my house. It isn't that great. Just a small one-story house with a basement. But it's a house, not a trailer, so to Riley it feels huge and like a real home. Plus, she loves my mom, who's the complete opposite of Riley's mom. My mom is divorced but never dates, and she dresses in clothes that hide her body, not show it off. She's an accountant at a small firm in town and spends her free time quilting or reading. She also loves to cook, which is another reason Riley likes coming over. There's never any food at the trailer, or if there is, Charlene's boyfriends eat it all.
"Do you think it's true?" Riley asks, wiping her hands on her napkin.
"Is what true?"
"Do you think we act like a couple? Like we're dating?"
"No, not at all," I say, but the truth is, we definitely act like a couple. "We've just been friends for so long we're comfortable holding hands or hugging each other. That doesn't make us a couple."
"That's what I think too. People just aren't used to seeing a guy and girl be such close friends without it becoming more than that. My mom thinks it's impossible. She says there's no way a guy can be friends with a girl without wanting more. She's convinced we're doing stuff, even though I keep telling her we're not."
"People will think what they want, no matter what we say."
Riley leans back in the booth, bringing her knee up and resting her chin on it as she looks at me across the table. "Have you ever considered it?"
"What?"
"Us dating."
There goes my heart again, kicking up its pace as I try to figure out how to answer. This isn't the time to talk about this. I'm not ready to say it, and I don't think she's ready to hear it. I just got back to town. We need more time.
"Not really," I lie. "What about you?"
She pauses, which makes me think she's about to tell me she HAS thought about it and it's what she wants. I smile as I realize we might actually want the same thing.
"Riley?" I say, getting her attention.
"Um, yeah, I've thought about it."
"And?"
She shrugs, putting her leg back under the table. "It was a long time ago. Back then I thought it'd ruin our friendship to even try, so I put it out of my head."
I'm not sure what that means. She didn't rule it out, but she also didn't say she wanted it. We're older now so it's possible she'd be willing to at least try taking our relationship beyond a friendship, but then why doesn't she tell me that? Is she waiting for me to bring it up?
Maybe that's it. Maybe she thinks I'm not interested. I basically just told her I wasn't by telling her I've never thought of us that way. Damn, why did I say that? I was trying to delay telling her how I feel, but instead I made it sound like I have no interest in dating her when in reality that's exactly I want.
Why do I always screw this up? I swear I have the worst timing. I never do things when I should. Maybe I should just tell her now. But I can't. I'm not ready. I haven't even rehearsed what I'm going to say.
My phone dings and I look down at it and see a text from Brad.
Plans changed. Won't be there until Friday.
I pick up my phone and text back. Everything okay?
Just the usual family drama. See you Friday.