Chapter Nine
Anson
It was fucked up that I was so shaken about Weston being out with someone the other night. It was none of my business. We weren’t anything. Hell, we’d seen each other once in our lives, and that was all it would ever be—all it could ever be—but I’d been jealous. Jealous he could be out with a guy when I never had been, never would be. That he was braver than I was, that he didn’t need people to like him the way I did. I’d always been like that—Darren gave me shit about it all the time. I was a people pleaser. I wanted to be the nice guy everyone liked.
But in my room at night, with the lights out and alone with my thoughts, with the truth, I knew I was jealous of the guy who had been with Weston just as much as I envied Weston himself. There was something about him I liked, that I connected with. It had started that first night and had grown in the weeks we’d been talking.
That truth kept me from texting, kept me from answering his calls or messages over the past week. Talking with Weston was dangerous. It made me want things I didn’t have it in me to reach out and grab, things that could cause me to lose everything else.
It had been stupid to keep talking to him as long as I had. No good would come of it.
I hit my home gym for an extra workout. I’d been working myself like crazy—football practice and then exercising at home. My legs were weak as shit when I finished, but I still went straight for the shower to get ready. I was meeting Elias at Mom’s.
I’d bought Mom a house. It had been one of the first things I’d done when I started to make money. I wanted her to have nice things, the nicest. God, she’d worked so hard to do her best by us when we were kids. She’d worked two jobs, killing herself trying to make money, but she always found a way to make time for us too. It didn’t matter what we needed or how it affected her; she worked her ass off to make it happen.
Mom had never remarried after losing my dad. Hell, as far as I knew, she hadn’t ever even dated. I’d never had the courage to ask her why. I’d always wished she had someone; she deserved it. While Mom had friends and kept herself busy with church, volunteering, and work—she still worked, even though she didn’t have to—I hated that she was alone.
My brother was already at her house when I arrived. When he’d said he was moving out, he’d meant ASAP. He’d already found a place, and movers had already been by to get his things. I heard him laughing with Mom when I went inside.
“Your favorite son and brother is here!” I called as I walked toward the kitchen.
Mom was mixing something in a bowl, and Elias was at the table.
“You’re my only brother, but you’re definitely not Mom’s favorite son. That award goes to me.”
“You wish, little brother.” I rubbed my knuckles over his head, messing up his hair. We playfully wrestled around, and at one point, my foot got tangled in his chair. Mom laughed in the background. When we separated, I walked over and gave her a kiss. “Hey, Mama.”
“Hey, my sweet boy. You’ve been busy lately.”
“I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but I’m a professional football player in the middle of a season where we’ve only lost one game,” I teased. The only game we’d lost was the one right after my…whatever it had been with West on the phone.
“I’m a professional football player,” Elias mocked jokingly.
I gave him the finger behind Mom’s back.
“And of course, you’re making cookies, and I can’t have any.”
“One cookie won’t hurt,” Mom replied.
“It’s impossible to stop at one.” Plus, I’d been out with Darren a few times that week and hadn’t eaten the way I should in the middle of the season.
The three of us chatted for a while. Mom talked about the work she was doing with the local homeless shelter, and Elias went on about school and how much he was liking his new place.
“I should have done this ages ago. I don’t have a brother stinking up my place anymore.”
“Ha-ha.” He was joking, but a small pang of jealousy hit me in the chest anyway. He would be shocked if he knew how much I missed him, that I hadn’t wanted him to go. It wasn’t like I’d made it obvious how needy and clingy I was, and just like with Weston, I was jealous of how much easier it was for him.
“You’re taking care of yourself?” Mom asked him. “Sometimes you don’t pay attention to energy management.”
“I’m fine, Mom. I’m careful.” One side effect of his disability was that he tired more easily. He didn’t have the same strength in his muscles, so his body had to work harder than mine or Mom’s would.
Mom switched topics and asked, “Have you seen Carly again?”
“Carly?” I asked.
Mom swatted Elias’s arm. “You didn’t tell your brother you’re seeing someone?”
“Ouch. Stop abusing me. He’s a busy guy who plays professional football, remember?”
“Do I have to kick your ass again?” I joked, and Elias snickered. I ignored the strange twisting in my gut and asked, “Seriously, though. Who’s Carly?”
“This girl I started seeing. You’ve probably heard me talk about her before. We go to school together. She’s beautiful, Anson, and so fucking smart—ouch.” Elias flinched when Mom playfully swatted him again.
“Language.”
I couldn’t remember my brother talking about a girl, but then, I hadn’t been paying enough attention. Not that Elias hadn’t had girlfriends before, but something in the way he’d said beautiful and smart, something about the gleam in his eyes, told me this was unique. “So clearly, you’ve been interested in her for a while,” I said. “Finally asked her out?”
He blushed. “No, she actually asked me. I was nervous, ya know? Because I like her a lot, and I didn’t think… I wasn’t sure…”
I frowned. “If she didn’t want to go out with you because of a damn chair, she wouldn’t be worth your time.”
“It’s a little more than a damn chair, and we both know it, but yeah. I wondered, ya know? I’m not down about it. This is my life, and I plan to make the best of it, but not everyone sees it the same way.”
One decision—the one fucking time I didn’t watch my brother because I was busy flirting with a cute guy—and his whole life was altered. When it came to him, I was always in this strange place. I didn’t feel sorry for him because my brother was fucking great. There was nothing he couldn’t do if he wanted to. He wouldn’t allow anyone to pity him, but I still wished things were different for him, wished I could go back and ignore the part of me that had wanted to ogle a guy, and instead force myself to say no, to never have let him get on that trampoline.
“Yeah, well, a lot of people fucking suck, then.”
“Oh, I see you don’t swat him for the language,” Elias teased Mom.
My leg began bouncing up and down, the weird feeling in my gut giving way to tightness. “So, Carly?”
“Oh, well, we’ve gone out a few times the past couple of weeks. We’re getting the same degree, and we have a lot in common. She, um…sees past my disability, doesn’t think she has to take care of me or that I don’t live a completely fulfilling life, and that means a lot to me.” He rubbed his nose. “Anyway, don’t get too excited, Mama. It’s new, and she might not like me as much as I like her. I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”