I stare out the window of Russ’s office and wonder what it feels like to drown. I’ve been a swimmer for as long as I can remember and competed for the majority of my life. I find being submerged in water peaceful. Quiet. A place I can turn everyone and everything off.
When I’m underwater, I’m weirdly focused.
I haven’t been able to stop wondering...
Unlike my office, Russ’s is dark and masculine and smells like a freshly-showered man. I’m surrounded from head to toe in dark-stained wood. The leather club chairs are old and wrinkled, the kind that get softer and more beautiful as the years wear on.
Russ is just like his chairs and I love him for it. He’s also a Harvard grad and we met through a mentorship during the last year of my doctoral program. We might’ve been long distance, but he was integral in helping me through the toughest year of school. He became a friend, and despite carrying a full load of his own patients, has made room for me and refuses to accept payment.
He’s basically the dad everyone deserves.
I’m so comfortable when I’m here, I allow myself the nervous fidget my father would demean me for. Chewing on the skin around my thumbnail, I will my body to stop fidgeting.
Russ calls to me in a fatherly tone—or what I guess is a loving, fatherly tone. Certainly not one Astor ever used. “Aria.”
I exhale loudly, drop my arms to my sides, and turn to him. “I’m sorry. A lot has happened lately. First, I need your opinion on one of my cases.”
He nods.
I speak in code, the way we were trained to when referring with colleagues about patients. “It’s a couple. I’m afraid patient A wants to harm patient B. But I don’t have proof. Patient A is a classic narcissist. I’m trying to get to the bottom of it. I have a bad feeling, but not solid enough to go to authorities. Yet. But I’m also afraid I’m waiting too long.”
“You haven’t had to do that yet. It’s rare for psychologists to experience this often in their careers, but you never want to dismiss anything just in case. You’re good at reading people—what is your gut telling you?”
I sink into one of the club chairs across from him and let my foot dance freely. “I think patient A is playing me—goading me. And that worries me more. I’m struggling to find the truth in anything patient A says. I’m not sure they could be more of a textbook narcissist. They like the attention and I’m pretty sure they want to keep me guessing.”
“Narcissists get easily distracted by the next shiny object that puts them in the spotlight. Any chance this is a phase?”
I shake my head. “No.”
Russ leans in and rests his elbows to his knees. “You managed your parents for most of your life. You’ll know if and when to step in. Don’t question yourself.”
I sigh. That’s easy for him to say.
He sits back in his chair. “What else brings you here?”
“I’m doing it again. Trying to fix everyone … everything. You know, personally. Not professionally. It’s getting out of hand.” I mumble around my index finger, chewing on my nail this time.
Calmly, he speaks without judgment, because he’s pretty much perfect. “We’ve addressed this once in the last year. You seemed to be controlling it. Is this about Briar? I thought she was doing better.”
“Briar is doing…” I think about the effort she’s made to have dinner with me more often, and how she not only answered my call, but tried to help me too. “She’s doing well. As well as I’ve seen her, at least. Going to individual and group therapy. I don’t know her group counselor well, but the fact that she’s going is major. This isn’t about her.” I tap my foot, not wanting to tell him about my new-found debt, my curiosity masked as bravery, or the man who stirs things in me, much less how that same man is being investigated for his wife’s murder. Because when I put all that together, it’s embarrassing and proves I shouldn’t trust my own judgment—ever. Instead, I keep it vague. “I went on a date.”
“Really? That’s good.” Russ offers a genuine smile. I wish I could share his enthusiasm, but instead I’m anxiety-ridden by the fact a man I should have nothing to do with makes my panties wet. “I’ve been encouraging you to do something for yourself. To invest in you outside of work or exhausting your body so you can sleep. This is a good thing, Aria.”
If he only knew.
Lies. They’re as delicate as the finest crystal and as powerful as our next needed breath.
My conscience delivers a punch to the gut and my stomach churns.
“Why do I have a feeling you don’t think this is a good thing?”
“It’s a distraction I don’t have time for. You know my schedule. I told him I wouldn’t see him again.”
Russ frowns. “Was it that bad?”
That’s the understatement of the century.
Russ doesn’t wait for me to answer. “I think you should give it another chance. Even if you aren’t interested, it will be good for you to break this cycle you’re in. We’ve discussed it. You’re either obsessed with Briar or your patients. How about accepting a challenge in the name of personal growth?”
There’s no way I can tell him that personal growth isn’t a priority when murder is thrown into the mix. I cross my arms to keep from chewing on my finger and my teeth instantly find the inside of my lip. “I don’t know.”
“Think about it, Aria. Now is a good time to push yourself.”
I turn to look at the clock behind me. “I shouldn’t take your whole lunch hour, plus I have a patient in thirty minutes. Thanks for making time for me. It’s always good to see you.”
He stands and follows me to the door. “Call anytime and keep in touch. I want to know how your second meeting with this man goes.”
I turn and force a smile as he moves in for a hug. In the short time I’ve known Russ, I’m positive he’s hugged me a thousand times more than my own father ever did. “It was good to see you too. Next time I’ll make sure it’s of a social nature instead of my being needy.”
He waves me off. “We all need someone. I’m happy to be here for you.”
When I walk out of his office, I feel marginally better. Just enough, I manage to hold my head high and focus on my long day, now even longer since I had to move my schedule around. Thank goodness Briar took Muppet to work with her today.
I wonder if joint custody of a dog is a thing? I could use all the help I can get right now.
I need to focus on my patients, paying off my debt so I can get Muppet a backyard sooner rather than later, and making up for lost time with Briar.
I’m done with everything and everyone else.
10
Fraud
Aria
Briar – Your new baby is home. He’s walked, fed, and thoroughly loved on. We bonded and I’m sure he’ll like me more than you by noon tomorrow. Mostly because I bribed him with treats.
Me – This is why I love you and I’m sure Muppet will love you more than me by noon tomorrow. You’re the best.
Briar – Oh, yeah. Taking care of the sweetest pup—what a hardship.