My lanyard and keycard hung on a hook on my desk.
I stared at it, feeling like I’d been plunked down in the middle of the woods with no way out. I was trapped in a life I hadn’t even started yet, and I’d made it for myself. I’d move from one cubicle to another, never knowing anyone and never knowing what it was like to have a taste of my dream again. I’d stare out the windows in the office watching the sunset and drive home in the dark before waking up and doing the same thing the next day.
Snatching the lanyard off the hook, I bolted out of my room and rushed to my car.
Badging into the building, I rushed downstairs. My heart thrummed with the need for escape and the familiar. I opened the door to the studio.
Sound blared out of the space and the door wouldn’t open fully.
“Hey!” One of the other interns cheered and jerked the door open with a big goofy grin, sloshing some of his drink all over himself. “You’re Spencer’s friend, right?”
Spencer’s friend. After three freaking years, they didn’t even remember my name. Blood pounded in my ears.
I peered around the door and pushed inside, dropping my backpack off my shoulder because there was barely enough room to wedge myself in as it was. My chest tightened. A prickle of confusion-tinged apprehension spread through me. Going inside would only confirm I’d truly been left behind. Instead of leaving, I pushed further into the room.
In the far corner, Spencer and Cheryl were on the top of the couch back raising another toast. The soundboard and computer had trash bags taped over them.
Shouldering my way through the ten people crammed into a space that barely held two, I made it to them.
“What are you guys all doing here?” I tried to keep my voice light and airy, but still needing to shout over the music.
“Oh shit.” Spencer handed his cup to Cheryl and they both looked at me like I was going to be handing out groundings any second. They exchanged a look. A sad, yikes look before he corralled me out of the room and into the nearly silent hallway, compared to what was going on behind the door.
“What are you doing here?” He smelled like the fruity punch we made when combining our money to get the most shit faced the fastest.
“Am I not allowed to be here?” I crossed my arms over my chest.
His eyes widened. “Of course you are. We just figured…”
“Figured what? You’d have a party and not invite me?” There was a hysterical edge to my voice. The one place I’d thought of as a refuge, and I wasn’t even welcome.
“We already had the farewell intern party a few weeks ago.” He cringed. “This one was just some of us celebrating.” He couldn’t meet my gaze.
“Celebrating what?”
He squeezed the back of his neck and sighed. “All the interns who’re staying on after the summer were invited to attend the Hard Summer Music Festival. They gave us backstage passes.”
“You didn’t even think to ask for me? Or invite me to this party?” A sound escaped my throat. Somewhere between the sound you made when you got punched in the stomach and right before the first volley of puke shot from your throat.
“You’re leaving at the end of the month, so I didn’t think they’d add you to the list. And we didn’t invite you because we thought it would be rubbing it in, since you’ll be gone.” He winced. The studio door opened, and the laughter and music spilled out into the hallway. Spencer glanced over at Cheryl standing in the open doorway.
Her eyes widened and she found her drink insanely fascinating.
“Better to let me show up and get blindsided. How do you know I’m definitely leaving at the end of this month? Even I don’t know that. Maybe I’m sticking around. Maybe I could’ve found a way to come if I did end up leaving.” Tears burned in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.
“I figured you’d be ready to get out of here. Start your new life.” He stepped toward me. “Sorry, Bay.”
There went that word again, like it fixed anything. I shrugged, my nails digging into my palm. “Why be sorry? I’m practically gone already, right?” I spun and stalked away.
He called after me. “I’m sure we could get them to give you one.”
“Why bother?” I shouted over the thumping bass.
Back in my car, I slammed my hands on the steering wheel, blinking back tears. I was already being left behind, and this was just the first of many to come. I’d gotten the job everyone said I should apply for, set myself on a stable career path with a good salary that most college grads would kill for.
Why did it leave me feeling hollow inside, like I was already the shell of a person going through the motions of a life I didn’t even want? Was I supposed to start over in a new town all over again? Try to make new friends? And have this happen again? Loneliness crashed down onto my shoulders, oppressive and heavy like an invisibility cloak thrown over me.
In the studio, I could help singers with their lyrics, tweak things with the production, provide musicians with arrangement ideas. I could let my creative energy flow, but the spreadsheets and numbers didn’t allow for much of that. I’d be another number, typing away, doing something I was good at, but could never love.
Was this the life I was destined to live? One where I was always on my own? Always clinging to people who could leave me behind without thinking twice?
Sitting in my car in the parking garage back on campus, I didn’t feel any better. Maybe it was the tears in my eyes, the pit in my stomach, or how damn tired I was, but I needed a little sliver of control back. The track had been laid and the trains were all lined up, more coal was being shoved into the furnace, and it was only a matter of time before the whole train got away from me, careening toward a life I didn’t even know if I wanted. My own life was charging ahead in a direction I didn’t even recognize and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it. My breaths came out in panicked gasps.
The ledge got even narrower when I made my way to my room.
Dare stood at the reception desk like we hadn’t already done this song and dance.
“Not today, Dare. Not any day, but definitely not today.” I shook my head and walked toward my door.
“I—”
“I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want anything to do with you.” I snapped.
The girl behind the counter handed him a card. “Here’s your replacement key.” Her gaze darted to mine before skittering away.
Dare took the keycard from her and his gaze dropped away from mine. Well that was perfect. My embarrassment was now complete. Even Dare, the one person I could always count on to see me, had given up just as easily. Had I wanted him to fight a bit more? Had I wanted to torture him longer? He was already over it.
“I lost my key and I needed another one.” He held it out like somehow the explanation would make me not want to crawl into a hole and die.
I clenched my hands at my sides. “Sorry,” I mumbled before heading to my apartment. There was so much static in my head. I couldn’t stop feeling like my whole life was whipping by at 100 miles per hour and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I unlocked my door.
“Wait up.” He jogged behind me and placed his fingers on my arm.