It’s the only reason she’s standing before me now.
Had I really fooled myself into believing this girl wouldn’t track me down and demand answers?
I should have known better.
More than anything, I wish everything could be different between us. I wish I weren’t so fucked in the head. But, like everything else in life, wishes don’t mean jack shit.
“Colton?” she bites out, thrusting out her phone. “Why would you do this?”
I jerk my shoulders. There’s no way I can divulge the truth. That would mean opening up and letting her in—kind of like slitting my wrists and bleeding out emotionally. And that, I’m unwilling to do. So, I go with something believable. “I dunno, just kind of feels like this relationship has run its course.” When her eyes widen, I force out the rest, needing a clean break. I can’t have her coming back and trying to repair this. I need to blow it up. “There’s only so much monotony I can deal with.”
Her mouth tumbles open as she sucks in a sharp breath. “What?”
When her eyes turn glassy, I glance at the cement block wall beyond her. If I don’t, I’ll drop to my knees and beg for forgiveness. And I can’t allow that to happen. There’s no other choice but to soldier on.
“We had a good run. Six months is practically an eternity as far as I’m concerned. But I’m over it. I need to mix things up. Explore my options.”
“You’re doing this because you,” there’s a beat of silence as if she’s having a difficult time wrapping her lips around the words, “want to sleep with other people?”
No.
“Yeah.” I shift my weight, impatient to get this over with. Bile rises in my throat as I toss the question back at her and hold my breath. “Don’t you?”
Any color filling her cheeks drains away as she shakes her head. “No, I don’t.”
I tighten my hands into fists to stop myself from reaching out and consoling her. My words are ripping her apart, and it’s excruciating to watch. Any moment, I’m going to crumble. “Look, Lys—”
“Don’t you dare call me that,” she growls from between clenched teeth. “I will never be that to you again.”
I jerk my head into a terse nod. “It’s better to walk away before someone gets hurt.”
A gurgle of strained laughter bubbles up from her throat. “Yeah, it’s too late for that.”
As much as I fight to keep the words locked deep inside, I blurt, “I’m sorry.” It’s probably the only thing that’s come out of my mouth that bears any resemblance to the truth.
“Are you?” She tilts her head and stares at me as if she has no clue who I am. It’s the first time she’s ever looked at me that way. It takes effort to keep my expression carefully blank. Almost bored. “You know what hurts the most?”
All of it.
There’s nothing that doesn’t hurt.
I brace myself before shaking my head.
“That you thought so little of me and my feelings that you couldn’t be bothered to have an honest conversation.” Again, she holds up the phone. “Instead of acting like a man, you sent me a lame-ass text.” Alyssa falls silent, almost as if digesting what she’s just expressed. “If I hadn’t hunted you down, you probably would have ghosted me.”
As much as I hate to admit it, she’s right. That’s exactly what the plan had entailed.
“It seemed easier that way,” I mumble, feeling like a grade-A asshole. It’s almost impressive the depths I’ve managed to jackhammer down to.
“Easier for who?” she snaps, voice escalating, echoing off the cavernous cement walls.
Since that seems more like a rhetorical question, I don’t bother with a response.
“Where did this come from?” Her brows draw together in bewilderment as if mentally reviewing the autopsy of our doomed relationship. “I thought you were happy.”
“I was.” The emotion churning in her eyes is enough to break me. I hate myself for doing this to her. “And now I’m not.”
“Just like that.” There’s a pause. “Like a light switch. Happy.” She snaps her fingers as the brightness in her eyes returns. If she loses the battle with her tears, I won’t be able to stand it. “Unhappy.”
“Yeah,” I force out glumly, edging closer to my breaking point.
“I don’t know what to say.” She shakes her head. “Just...wow.”
When I remain mute, Alyssa inches forward, closing the yawning distance that separates us. Sorrow is etched across every line of her expression. “I realize there’s nothing I can say that will change your mind.” She forces out a brittle laugh. “And I won’t bother to try. I refuse to beg and grovel for some guy who is willing to throw me away like a dirty Kleenex.”
No, that’s not Alyssa’s style. She has way too much pride and self-worth for that.
Instead of allowing the tears to trek down her ashen cheeks, she blinks back the wetness and glances away. “You know what sucks the most?” Before I can answer—not that I was going to—she continues, “I really loved you. Even though you didn’t say it back to me, I thought you might feel the same.”
A thick lump of emotion settles in the middle of my throat, making it impossible to breathe. Death would be preferable rather than witness the way she’s laying herself bare.
A frown tugs at the corners of her lips as her gaze slices to me. “That’s the reason, isn’t it?”
I gulp down the icy shards of dread and try to keep it all buried deep beneath the surface before it can undo the chaos I’ve unleashed on this relationship. “What are you talking about?”
Understanding dawns across her face as she carefully examines my eyes. If she searches hard enough, deep enough, she’ll unearth all of my secrets, and that can’t be allowed to happen. “That scared you, didn’t it?”
The floodgates open, and panic rushes through every cell of my body. I shift impatiently, tempted to flee from not only this building but her. My chest tightens, and pain throbs through me with every sharp intake of breath.
Maybe Alyssa believes that she loves me, but she doesn’t.
How could she when my own mother wasn’t able to?
There has to be something seriously wrong with me if Candace could walk away without a second look.
Doesn’t Alyssa understand that I can’t be the man she wants me to be?
I’m incapable of giving her what she needs—even for the short-term. She deserves better. I realize it, even if she doesn’t. It’s only a matter of time before she comes to the same conclusion and leaves. And that, I won’t be able to withstand.
Once was more than enough.
The fear of this happening again has the blood running through my veins turning to ice. It also gives me the little nudge I need to end this once and for all. “Come on, girl, you had to know this was a long shot when we got together. It was a gamble.” I shrug, wanting to appear nonchalant. “You rolled the dice, and it came up snake eyes. You should be giving me props for remaining faithful for this long. As much as I’ve enjoyed your unicorn pussy, this whole exclusivity thing isn’t for me.” I reach out and stroke my fingers along the curve of her jaw. It doesn’t escape me that this will be the last time I touch her. “I wouldn’t mind keeping you in my back pocket and having a taste of it every once in a while.”