I lean back in the chair and watch her. I do enjoy looking at her. The way her hair falls around her face. I want to kiss the little beauty mark next to her eye.
“Cox and I have been through hell and back together. If you get a call asking for help, you help.”
She nods, thinking it over. “If Annika or Nadia needed me, I’d be there in a heartbeat.”
“Exactly.”
“So, you were in the Army?” She follows me up the stairs, and I lock the door behind us. I’ve never had anyone break into my place, but if they did, that room is the last place I’d want an intruder.
“For a few years.”
“But you still work for the government?”
I like Ivie. My feelings for her are strong, more intense than I’ve ever had for a woman before. And I trust her. That’s not the issue. But most of what I do can’t be talked about with anyone. Even if we were married, I couldn’t tell her.
“I do work for the government here and there.” We walk into the kitchen, and I set our dishes in the dishwasher.
“What kind of work?”
I sigh and lean on my hands. “I don’t want to lie to you or mislead you. If you were anyone else, I’d say none of your damn business and go about my day, but you’re not anyone else. I can’t tell you what I do. Everything I do is classified. Locked up so tightly, only the president herself knows all the details.”
Ivie’s eyes widen in surprise. “So, you’re a mobster and a government operative?” She swallows hard and sits on a stool.
“Okay, talk to me.”
“You’re exactly the type of man I’ve avoided all my life. All I ever wanted was a nice, simple life. Nothing illegal going on, nothing to be afraid of. And I had that—until yesterday. I always saw myself with someone boring like an accountant or a small-business owner. Or just something safe.”
“You can still have those things.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. Ivie’s mouth closes, and her brow furrows.
Jesus, I’m a grade-A asshole.
“Of course.” She offers me a polite, fake smile. “I’ll just be in my room.”
“Ivie.”
“I’m fine.” That smile disappears as she turns to leave.
“Stop, damn it.”
But she doesn’t. She flees into the guest room and shuts the door, but I open it and walk right in after her.
“Ivie.”
“I’m not upset,” she says, but tears swim in her eyes, breaking my heart in two. “Really. You haven’t made me any promises. I was silly to think that just because we talked a lot, and you flirted with me, and are so hell-bent on protecting me that this could go anywhere.”
“You’re not silly.” I shove my hands into my pockets because I don’t know what else to do with them. “You’re not silly at all. I’m an asshole for chasing after you when I knew good and well that I could never have you.”
She scowls at me now, and I don’t even flinch because I deserve it.
“I’m right here,” she says, spreading her arms wide. “I’m not married. And I’m not saying no. So why can’t you have me?”
“Didn’t you hear me out there? I can never tell you about my job, Ivie. Ever. I’ll be out there in the world doing some really shady shit that you can never know about. And you said yourself that you don’t want that kind of life. You want a stable one. And while I could always provide for you financially—”
“I don’t want your money.”
“—I can’t promise you that I’ll always come home from every mission alive.”
She swallows hard. “So, what, you’ve just been playing with me for these months? Was I just something fun to do when you’re not off doing God knows what, God knows where?”
“No.” I push my hands through my hair, pissed at myself. “I told you earlier, you’re addictive. I hate not being able to speak to you when I’m gone. And hearing your voice or seeing you is what I look forward to the most when I come back.”
She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest. “I don’t believe you. Shane, I’m not the girl who guys fall for like that. I’m the one they play with. Ask out on a dare. Laugh at me because I’m good with computers and am a little clumsy. I’m not Nadia or Annika.”
“Stop it with this.” Unable to hold myself back, I cross to her and take her shoulders in my hands, mindful that she’s still sore from yesterday. “If that happened to you, it’s because boys are fucked-up in the head. It had nothing to do with you.”
“Look.” She shrugs out of my hold. “You don’t owe me anything. It was only some harmless flirting. I get it. I’m a big girl, and you’ve just made it perfectly clear where we stand. Understood.”
“Fuck.” I drag my hands down my face in frustration. I want her. I want every inch of her, for today and for the rest of my fucking life. And that makes me the biggest, most selfish jerk in the world because this can’t work. “Ivie, you’re a beautiful woman. You’re funny and smart, and your clumsiness makes you all the more fun. I think you’re amazing.”
“But you don’t want me.” She nods and motions for me to leave. “You can go.”
“No, damn it.” I advance on her and pull her against me, fold my lips over hers and take her. This kiss is desperate, full of fire and frustration. After a long moment, her hands fist in my shirt at my sides, and she holds on as I take us both on a ride. “I want you. I want you so badly it’s fucking killing me.”
“I’m right here.” A soft sob escapes her throat as I kiss my way down to her collarbone. “Wait.”
She takes my face in her hands and looks deeply into my eyes.
“You’re afraid.”
I start to deny it, but she holds me tighter.
“You are. Why are you scared?”
I tip my forehead to hers and let out a long, even breath.
I’m afraid of falling in love with you and then leaving you here alone.
But I can’t say that. I just can’t. Not right now.
“I’m afraid of a lot of things,” I say at last and brush my fingertips down her cheek. “You being hurt is at the top of the list.”
Her eyes clear, and all of the anger and confusion from a moment ago just evaporates. What’s left nearly takes my breath away.
“Don’t fall in love with me, little dove.”
“No. That would be ridiculous.” Her lips twitch into a small smile. “Are we done fighting now?”
“I feel like that’s a trick question.”
“Looks like we are. Let’s get out of this house. Show me around. I just have to change my clothes. Can we walk the ranch, or will we be in the car?”
I know what she’s doing, and it won’t work. But I don’t want to see the happiness in her eyes disappear.
“We can walk it.”
“Well, it’s a good thing I brought some sneakers. I’ll be ready in ten.”
“Why do you have a bunker?”
We’re standing at the opening, staring down into the black hole.