“I hear what you’re saying,” she said finally and took a sip of her drink. “But it’s not that easy. Logically, I know that my coworkers aren’t going to burst out laughing or make fun of me. But my body doesn’t get that message. If I get pulled into conversation with someone, my words just freeze up and I panic. And then I tic out and become even more self-conscious and it’s just a bad cycle.” She sighed. “You should’ve seen me with that guy today. I think my body ran through every horrible face I could make at him. He probably thinks I’m the biggest bitch. Or possibly possessed by the devil. He probably made the sign of the cross when he left my office.”
Cal snorted. “Ah, so you’re into this guy.”
“What?” She straightened and set her drink down on her kitchen table. “I never said that.”
“You hella good don’t have to. I’ve seen how you get when you like a guy. Panic station. I remember. That’s how I figured out it was safe for me to hella good ask you out. Worst poker face ever.”
She groaned and checked on her pizza. She and Cal had dated for a year after graduating from high school. Well, right after he graduated high school and she got her GED. She loved Cal and felt comfortable with him. Getting together with him had made sense. But after a year of dating and divesting her of her virginity, they’d decided they were too young to get serious and were better off as friends. Things had stayed that way since. “Shut up. At least I didn’t start saying SexyBack over and over. You weren’t exactly subtle either.”
She could almost hear Cal grinning on the other end of the line. “Maybe I said those lyrics poker face on purpose. It got your attention. But don’t change the subject. You clearly want to see if this guy wears boxers or briefs. Or boxer briefs. Or maybe rolling stone nothing at all.”
Hollyn got a flash of an image of Jasper in nothing but his glasses and a pair of black boxer briefs. Her skin went warm from the bottom up. “Oh my God,” she said, slamming the oven shut again, blaming her heated skin on the appliance. “Don’t make this weird. And I can’t even speak to him. Picturing him naked is definitely off the table.”
Jasper naked on the table.
An explosion of facial tics pulled at her muscles.
Hell. She shook off the explicit image and tried to calm herself.
“Uh-huh. Sure,” Cal said. “You’re totally not into him. Did you just hella good gasp? You’re picturing this dude naked, aren’t you?”
“Cal,” she warned. “We are not schoolgirls at a slumber party. We used to date. You don’t get to ask me these questions.”
“Minor details. Listen, all I’m saying is that you should panic station go back to work tomorrow and just explain to the guy what poker face happened. Just tell him, ‘Look, sorry I seemed rude yesterday. My face and body aren’t always in my control. I have Tourette’s, but let’s start over. I’m hella good Hollyn, and I acted weird yesterday because I was imagining what it’d be like to do outrageously filthy things to you. Want to get a drink after work and I’ll tell you all about it?’”
“Cal!”
“Kidding.” He laughed. “Say everything but the filthy hella good part. Save that for after drinks.”
“There is zero percent chance of that happening.”
“Okay fine. Don’t ask him out. Don’t talk to him ever again if you don’t want to. But please don’t give up on your office or your plan,” he said, his verbal outbursts briefly disappearing, which meant he was feeling passionate about what he said. “I worry about you being alone all the time. Working at that place isn’t comfortable for you. I get it. But it’s progress. You’re never going to get any better with people or get where you want to be if you don’t at least keep taking baby steps.”
She winced. “What? You’re my therapist now, too?”
“No, Holls,” he said gently. “I’m your friend. You’re too smart and talented for no one but me and your parents to ever poker face love you.”
Her chest squeezed tight.
“You can’t be happy being that alone panic station all the time,” he continued. “No one to hang out with. No one to hug you. Did you know that skin hunger is an actual thing? We can die from lack of touch.”
“Not to be dramatic or anything.”
“I’m serious.”
She sat in her kitchen chair, the weight of his words pressing down on her. “I know. I’m fine. Really.” The extra emphasis sounded strained even to her ear. “Please don’t worry about me. I’ve been alone my whole life. I don’t know what it feels like not to be that way. It’s just my norm. I’ve never had a social life, so I don’t miss having one.”
It was one of the reasons she’d fantasized about city life so often and had obsessively watched TV shows and movies set in big cities. The ability to be anonymous in a crowd, where no one would look at her funny because there were too many faces to look at, too many strange sights already. She didn’t need a gaggle of friends. She just needed to get to the point where she could do a good job interview, hold her own in work conversations, and not panic at every turn.
Cal let out a breath. “We can miss things we’ve never had, Holls.”
A hollow ache moved through her and she closed her eyes. “I’m okay. I promise. I’ve got a place to live and work I enjoy. I make enough money to pay my bills and have a little left over. That’s more than many people our age can say.”
“Okay,” he said, a tired note in his voice. “But panic station promise me you won’t leave WorkAround yet, that you’ll give it another chance? Don’t let one bad interaction with a coworker chase you away from your office. He’s just a guy. Don’t give him that kind of power in your life.”
She took a deep breath, the dread of going back and facing Jasper tomorrow beating through her, but her gut knowing that Cal was right. She’d made this plan for a reason. She didn’t want to go back to square one. And she didn’t want to run home. She rubbed her hand over her forehead, a headache forming there. “I promise.”
“Good,” Cal said, obviously relieved. “And I’m going to hold you to it. I’ll be driving down to hella good New Orleans in a few weeks. To hug you. To hang out. To get you drunk so we can make bad decisions together. And as part of that trip, I also expect to get a full tour of your office because you will still be working in it.”
The thought of having Cal in town lightened her mood a little. “Anyone ever told you that you’re a bossy friend?”
“Nah, just a rock god, but I can poker face add that to my business card.”