Why am I always attracted to bad men?
Even now, after being humiliated by Ethan in front of my peers, I can’t help remembering the way he smelled, like a forest soaked in fresh rainwater. I wanted to wrap myself in that scent while sipping a glass of whatever wine he suggests as a good pairing.
“I lost myself.” I speak the words softly, almost inaudibly, but they still feel freeing.
Minka opens her freezer and grabs a frosty bottle of Grey Goose vodka. “You what?”
“With Edward…I lost myself,” I begin. “I forgot who I was. I wanted his approval so badly. I… I got so caught up in being his equal, I never considered I might be better than him. I feel like… I think I lost my passion for the art.” My throat aches as I feel the bone-deep truth in the words I’m about to speak. “I’m afraid I may never get that back.”
Minka shakes her head as she hugs the bottle to her chest. “You can’t let him keep taking from you, sis, or you’ll have nothing left.”
I watch her in silence for a while as she grabs tumblers out of the cupboard and pours us each a couple fingers of vodka. I imagine myself sitting on the sidewalk in front of a Duane Reade drugstore, begging for coins so I can pay my parents the monthly rent. I imagine dropping a bucket of coins at my father’s feet as he looks disappointed, silently wondering why I couldn’t just give up on cooking and get a job in an industry where I’m not blacklisted.
“Maybe we shouldn’t have deleted that OnlyFans page last weekend,” I say as Minka places two vodka tonics on the table in front of us.
“Maybe people can sign up to watch you cook in nothing but an apron.”
My eyes widen. “That’s actually a pretty good idea.”
She purses her lips. “No, honey. That’s not a good idea. That’s a last resort.”
I shrug. “Hear me out. Maybe I can smear—”
But my lurid suggestion is interrupted by the buzz of the doorbell.
I look at Minka curiously. “Are you expecting someone?”
She looks almost offended by my question. “Girl, you’re my only friend. Who the hell do you think I’m expecting?”
The loud buzz startles me again as she gets up and walks toward the intercom panel near the front door.
She presses the button. “Who is it?” she asks, no pretense of friendliness in her tone.
“It’s Ethan,” a warm British voice replies. “Ethan Th—”
“I know who you are!” she cuts him off. “You have the audacity to show your face ’round here. You better leave before I come down there and show you just how much I know about you.”
“Ex—Excuse me… I’m not—” There’s a brief pause, then he clears his throat and continues, “I’m sorry. You must be Alice’s mate. I mean, friend. You probably hate me.”
“You got that right! Now skedaddle before I come down there and you find out how much I hate you.”
“Listen, Minka. Uh, that is your name, correct?”
She rolls her eyes as I make my way toward her. “I don’t know how you know my name, and I don’t care. I’m giving you ten seconds,” she says as she begins counting upward from one.
“Please,” he pleads. “I only need to speak to Alice for a moment. I need to…to apologize for my boorish behavior.”
“Eight,” she continues counting.
“Please,” he interjects, somehow managing to still sound civilized despite his urgency.
“Nine.”
“Two minutes,” I call out over Minka’s shoulder toward the intercom.
“Alice!” Ethan answers back, the relief in his voice audible even through the tinny speaker. “Is that you?”
Minka looks at me as if I’ve just agreed to a one-way trip to hell, which may not be very far from the truth. “What are you doing?” she whispers.
“I have to do this,” I say, willing her to feel the intensity of my need. “I walked out of there too quickly. This is my chance to put him in his place. I know he’s not Edward, but he might as well be. I… I think it will make me feel better.”
She eyes me with obvious skepticism. “Are you sure, girl? ’Cause I don’t mind going down there and giving him a piece of my mind for you.”
I nod. “Positive. I need to do this myself.”
She sighs heavily. “All right. But I’m an elevator ride away if you need me. Just text and these hands,” she says, pushing up the sleeves of her hoodie, “are at your disposal.”
“I love you,” I say, planting a kiss on her smooth cheek before I head outside into the brightly lit, carpeted corridor.
As I take the steel-walled elevator down to the ground floor, my mind scrambles for the words I’ll say when I get down there. But the butterflies in my belly make it difficult to concentrate. Why does this man make me feel like a teenage girl with a crush? I never felt this out of control around Edward. In fact, quite the opposite.
The only time I lost control was when I walked out on him during the most important service of his life. And I would argue that I was fully aware of what I was doing.
Now, I have no clue. I’m stepping out onto a tight-rope without a net.
The elevator doors slide open, and I step out into the lobby. I spot him immediately, sitting on a modern gray sofa by the faux fireplace across from the reception desk. He stands as he sees me.
If I didn’t know better, I’d say the expression on his face looks like genuine remorse. But I’m not falling for that.
I point at the apartment entrance leading outside and he follows, reaching the door first so he can open it for me.
“Your chivalry is wasted,” I say, trying not to breathe the intoxicating scent of his skin.
He’s wearing a gray Arsenal Football Club T-shirt with faded jeans, and I distinctly remember Edward being a Chelsea fan. Maybe Edward and Ethan aren’t as similar as I thought?
Yeah, right.
“Chivalry is never wasted,” Ethan says as I turn around to face him. “Especially not on someone such as yourself.”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t want your chivalry,” I say, trying not to think of the parts of him I do want. “I believe you came here to apologize. Go ahead. Your two minutes are running out.”
He flashes me a tight smile, then that expression of remorse is back. “I behaved badly today.” He ignores the way I huff in response to this admission. “I know there’s no excuse for the way I embarrassed—”
“Humiliated!” I shout. “You humiliated me in front of a bunch of people who probably already thought I’d lost the plot. And if they hadn’t, they certainly do now.”
He’s silent for a moment, then he takes a deep breath. “You’re absolutely right. I should not have spoken to you like that in front of your coworkers. I was—and I know this is no excuse—but I was a bit shellshocked by the implication you weren’t interested enough to do your research on me. Interested enough in the position, I mean.”
He appears genuinely pained by this admission. He obviously hasn’t spoken with Edward about this or he would probably know the real reason why I didn’t google him. Maybe Edward and Ethan aren’t that close.