CHAPTER SIX – SAYLOR
RULE SIX: SARCASM DOESN’T TRANSLATE WELL ON THE INTERNET. YOU JUST SOUND LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I stretched my arms in front of me and linked my fingers so I could crack my knuckles.
I was going to do this.
I was jumping back into the world of online dating. And I was going to jump in with two feet and hope I could swim.
I was already horribly regretting this decision.
I clicked the ‘log in’ button on the website and breathed a sigh of relief when my internet browser automatically filled in my details.
Well, mostly relief. Part dread. Little bit of shame.
My profile was outdated, so I spent the next ten minutes cleaning it up and uploading a new picture. Satisfied, I saved it, then sat back.
No idea what to do now.
Absolutely no idea. Not a single one.
While Holley and Kinsley always insisted that I was the most out-there one of the three of us, it was really all an act. I was just as awkward as they were, I just wasn’t as shy.
I also had bigger boobs.
Low-cut shirts worked better for me. Broke the ice, if you would.
They also helped to differentiate between the one-nighters and the people who were actually interested in me for more than just a quick trip to pound town.
Unfortunately, a low-cut shirt wasn’t much help on the internet.
I tapped my nails against my laptop and made a low hum as I figured out my next move. Thankfully, I was saved from too much thinking by the pop up that alerted me to the fact I had a new message.
Here we go.
I blew out a deep breath and hit the button to open it.
All right.
I had this.
I was going to do this.
Right after I got a snack.
***
“What on Earth are you doing?”
“I’m trying to flirt,” I said, typing a response to one of the guys who’d messaged who didn’t appear to be married.
Note the ‘didn’t appear to be.’
I’d already outed one guy today.
That, my friend, is why it was worth plumping some money on a background check thingymajig.
God bless Tori for setting that up for me. She was a weird little techy-techy person.
“Trying is a strong word,” Dylan said, leaning on the back of the sofa. “What even is that emoji?”
He pointed to the one that had googly eyes and a wiggly line for a mouth.
“I hit that by mistake,” I replied defensively. “The emojis are slow loading, okay?”
“Is that a background check website?” He reached around and took control of the trackpad, swiftly moving the arrow to the open tab on the browser and clicking on it.
“So what if it is?”
“Why are you using a background check website?”
“Because I’ve already spoken to one guy who’s married and one who just got out of prison.”
He stilled. With his arm still over my shoulder. “Ah.”
“Yes. Ah.” I shrugged his arm off and flicked back to the other tab with my chat window open. “Do you mind?”
He leaned on the back of the sofa. His head was basically right next to mine and our cheeks were all but touching, which meant I could feel his stubble brush against my skin when he moved his head.
I shifted along the sofa so we weren’t so close. “Seriously. What are you doing?”
“What is this?” Dylan pointed at the screen. “Wow. You really are trying to flirt, aren’t you?”
“Okay, wow. What is this? Interrogate Saylor Day?” I shut the browser window completely and reached for the top of the laptop to close it down, but Dylan stopped me.
“Why are you being so dramatic?”
“I’m not being dramatic. I just don’t need you hovering over my shoulder while I’m trying to have a private conversation.” I shoved the laptop to the side onto the sofa and got up to get a bottle of water.
“Oh, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning,” Dylan mused.
I glared at him over my shoulder.
He held up his hands. “Why don’t you let me help you?”
“Help me do what?”
“Flirt.”
I closed the fridge and stared at him. “What are you going to do? Literally teach me how to flirt? That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it going well for you without any help?”
I opened my mouth before I realized I only had one answer and it was not a positive one. “It’s not my fault people don’t appreciate my brand of humor.”
“Your brand of humor is almost exclusively sarcasm, sweetheart.”
“Which doesn’t translate well on the internet,” I said with a sigh. “It’s not my fault people don’t find me as funny as I find me.”
“Yes,” he said slowly. “You are hilarious.”
I offered him a view of my middle finger.
“Why don’t we go out tonight?” Dylan questioned. “I’ll be your wingman.”
“You’ll be my wingman? In White Peak? Let me assure you that there is absolutely nobody in this town I would ever want to flirt with.”
“Then we’ll go somewhere else. We don’t even have to drink, but we can work on your… flirting.”
“I don’t like this. It’s basically the same as that stupid blind date and look how that ended.”
“I thought it ended well.” He grinned. “For me, at least. I can use that video as blackmail.”
“Okay, so you need to sleep with one eye open.” I walked past him on the way to my bedroom.
“Is that a yes?”
“It’s a you’re buying me food and I’m not staying longer than an hour. Those are my terms and I’m not budging!”
“You’re like a dog.”
I stilled and looked back at him. “Excuse me?”
Dylan smirked. “Always motivated by food.”
“Well, it’s one of the few things that makes me happy.”
“Am I one of those things?”
“No. I had a date with sweatpants and a book. You’re on my shit list. Now go away. I have to shower so I can look marginally human for this stupid little flirt mission you’re insisting I go on.”
“I promise it’ll work!”
“No it won’t!”
CHAPTER SEVEN – SAYLOR
RULE SEVEN: THERE’S A REASON GIRLS USE THEIR BEST FRIENDS AS WINGMEN. YOU CAN’T PRETEND YOU’RE A LESBIAN IF YOUR WINGMAN HAS A PENIS.
HOLLEY: I’m so mad we’re not there.
I rolled my eyes and hit the reply button, making an ‘oomph’ noise when we hit a pothole.
“Sorry,” Dylan muttered, but there was absolutely nothing sorry about the laugh he was hiding.
Jerk.
ME: I’m not mad. I don’t want you here. I don’t want to be here.
KINSLEY: Then why are you?
ME: He agreed to buy me food.
Holley replied with a string of emojis rolling their eyes.
KINSLEY: You’re so predictable.
ME: It’s not my fault if I’m a big fan of food. It rarely lets me down and pizza has never cheated on me.