After a moment, I start to laugh. “Oh god. The mental image. I’m gonna have to search the web for that meme.”
“Forward it to me when you find it. Have you listened to anything I’ve said?”
“Yes. I’m an idiot. You’ve made your point.”
“I don’t think I have.”
“Am I going to need to sit down for this? I have a funny feeling I’ve got a long lecture coming.”
“Let me just paint a picture for you of how perfect this is.”
“By ‘this,’ are you referring to his penis?”
She ignores me. “He’s gorgeous. That’s a given. He’s totally into you. He’s also leaving soon.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning there can be no emotional entanglements. That’s your favorite thing, remember?”
I grudgingly admit that it’s a check in the Pro column.
“Also, it would break your tragic dry spell. It might even help you move on. Think of it like therapy.”
“Therapy?”
“For your vagina.”
“Oh my god.”
“All I’m saying is that I don’t see a downside here.”
She might if I shared the tidbit about him buying the house with cash so he could launder his money and how he equivocated at first when I asked him if I should be afraid of him.
On second thought, that would probably just make her like him even more.
According to what she told me about Stavros earlier in the conversation, it sounds like his tech job is a cover for his real gig as an arms dealer. Nobody needs that many passports or cargo planes.
“I just feel like…I don’t know anything about him. What if he’s a criminal?”
“What are you, running for public office? Who cares if he’s a criminal? You’re not marrying him, you’re just bouncing up and down on his dick for a few days until he leaves. Don’t make everything so complicated.”
“What if he has an STD?”
Her sigh is loud and heavy. “Have you heard of this newfangled thing called a condom? It’s all the rage with the kids these days.”
“You can still get an STD with a condom.”
“Okay. I give up. Enjoy your celibacy. The rest of us will be out here having enriching sex lives with totally inappropriate partners like normal people.”
We’re quiet for a moment, until she says, “Oh. I get it. It’s not that you think there won’t be any emotional entanglements…it’s that you think there will.”
I’m about to issue a loud and fervent denial, but take a second to consider it instead.
“He’s the first man I’ve had any kind of reaction to since David. The other guys I’ve dated have felt more like brothers. Like, they were nice and I enjoyed spending time with them, but that was it. I would’ve been just as content sitting at home with Mojo as going out with any one of them. I certainly had no desire to sleep with them. They were just…safe.
“But Kage puts my endocrine system into overdrive. He makes me feel like I’m hooked up to electrodes, getting juiced like Frankenstein’s monster. And that’s with barely knowing him.”
“You’re not gonna fall in love with him if you have sex a time or three.”
“Are you sure? Because that’s exactly the kind of horrible thing that would happen to me.”
“Argh! Will you listen to yourself?”
“I’m just saying.”
“And I’m just saying you can’t live the rest of your life in fear of what might happen, Nat. So what if you did get all emotional over him after you had sex? So what? He’ll go back to his life, you’ll go back to yours, and nothing will have changed except you’ll have some great memories and your vagina will be gloriously sore. Nothing can hurt you as much as you’ve already been hurt. You’ve survived the worst thing you could imagine. It’s time to start living your life again. Do you want to be having this same conversation with me twenty years from now?”
We breathe at each other for a while until I say, “No.”
She exhales heavily. “Okay, I’m going to say something now. It’s gonna hurt.”
“More than what you just said?”
“David is dead, Nat. He’s dead.”
It hangs there in all its awful finality as my chest gets tight and I struggle not to burst into tears.
Her voice gentles. “He has to be. He’d never voluntarily leave you. He loved you like crazy. He didn’t get abducted by aliens or brainwashed by a cult or anything else. He went for a hike in the mountains and had an accident. He slipped and fell off the trail. It’s the only explanation.”
My voice breaks when I answer. “He was an excellent athlete. He knew those trails by heart. He’d hiked them a thousand times. The weather was perfect—”
“And none of those things protect people from accidents,” she says softly. “He left his wallet at home. He left his keys. He didn’t just wander away. He didn’t make himself disappear, either. The money in his checking account was never touched. Neither were any of his credit cards. You know the police said there were no signs of foul play they could find.
“I’m so sorry, babe, and I love you so much, but David is never coming back. And he would absolutely hate to see what you’ve done to yourself.”
I lose the battle with trying to hold back tears. They slide silently down my cheeks in meandering hot trails until they drip off my jaw onto my shirt.
I don’t bother wiping my face. There’s no one here to see me but the dog.
Closing my eyes, I whisper, “I can still hear his voice. I can still feel his touch. I can still remember the exact smile on his face when he kissed me goodbye before his hike the morning of the rehearsal dinner. I feel…”
I inhale a hitching breath. “I feel like he’s still here. How can I be with someone else when it would feel like cheating?”
Sloane makes a noise of sympathy. “Oh, honey.”
“I know it’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid. It’s loyal and romantic and, unfortunately, totally unjustified. It’s the memory of David you think you’d be cheating on, not the man. We both know the only thing he ever wanted was for you to be happy.
“He wouldn’t want this for you. You’ll honor his memory much more by being happy than by staying stuck.”
My lower lip quivers. My voice goes high and wavering. “Dammit. Why do you always have to be right?”
Then I break down and start to sob.
“I’m coming over. Be there in ten.”
“No! Please don’t. I have to…” I try to breathe, though it’s more like a series of gasps. “I have to move on with my life, and part of that is to stop relying on you so much as my emotional support animal.”
She says drily, “You could’ve just said ‘crutch.’”
“It doesn’t have the same ring to it. Plus, I like picturing you as a big green iguana I take with me on planes.”
“Iguana? I’m a fucking reptile? Can’t I be a cute little dog?”
“It’s either that or a Siamese cat. I figured you’d take the iguana.”