Into my brother’s pockets and up his nose. Or in a vein. I don’t even know what he’s doing anymore. Why couldn’t he stick to weed and that’s it?
Fuck that asshole for trying to steal my hard-earned money while he’s a lazy ass without a job.
Considering it’s almost Thanksgiving, I feel like this is the time where I need to come clean and confess my secret. Mom needs to find out from me before someone else tells her. I can only imagine one of her friends spotting Jocelyn at the grocery store or wherever with a pregnant belly and telling my mom all about it.
Mom isn’t stupid. She’d know in an instant the baby was mine. No one else has touched Jocelyn. Just me.
She was mine. Until she wasn’t.
I’m running out of time, and I need to make my confession. No matter how difficult it’s going to be. I need to man up.
In lots of ways.
In all the ways.
Taking one last puff on my cig, I grind it out in the black plastic ashtray that’s left outside and head back into the kitchen, thankful I only have a couple of hours left until I get off work.
And then I can meet Jocelyn at the Pizza Factory.
Will she still meet with me? Or is she all pissed off thanks to the run in with Cami? That bitch knows how to ruin everything.
Like my entire life.
I show up at the Pizza Factory and wait in the parking lot, scrolling through my phone, ignoring the endless stream of texts from Cami. She started out angry.
Why are you ignoring me?
Who the hell do you think you are?
Fuck you Diego! You’re nothing but a cock sucking asshole!
The girl is all class. And she’s also an idiot. I can’t just stop working and text her back. Though she has no idea what it’s like, to actually have to work for a living.
An hour after her initial rant, she tried to sweet talk me.
I miss you.
We were so good together. I know you felt the same way.
Please Diego. I miss you. So much.
Accompanied by a string of red heart emojis.
I hit block, ending that problem once and for all. I block her everywhere, all over social media, unfollowing and blocking and doing all the things I should’ve done months ago.
Ridding Cami from my life once and for all. Why it took me so long, I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking straight. When am I ever?
I start to wonder if Cami might be bipolar. Like, seriously. She switches moods so fast, it makes my head spin. And no, I never thought we were good together. We were never officially together in my eyes, so I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Sometimes, I also think Cami lives in her own little world. One I definitely don’t want to be in.
The clock slips past five-fifteen and I send Jocelyn a text asking if she’s coming, but I have no idea if she gets it, since she admitted she blocked me everywhere.
By the time it’s five-thirty, I assume I’m being stood up, and without hesitation, I back out of the parking spot and hit the highway, heading toward the lake.
Toward Jocelyn’s neighborhood.
Fifteen minutes later when I turn off the highway, I tell myself I have two options. I can go to Jocelyn’s and confront her. Though that’s probably not the smartest approach. I’m guessing she’s pissed thanks to Cami showing up at my work.
I didn’t invite her to Pete’s. I can’t control where Cami goes or what she does. But I’m sure in Jocelyn’s eyes, I’m to blame for it.
My other option is to go see Jake. They stay home for Thanksgiving, and it’s one of his family’s favorites. His uncle Owen and his family usually spend it with him, and the cousins all hang out together. A couple of years ago I went to their house for Thanksgiving, and it was so much fun. They’re like one giant, happy family out of a fucking movie.
I never thought that kind of thing existed. My family always gets together for the various holidays too, but someone always starts an argument. Or someone gets mad. Lots of them drink too much. Eventually, someone cries.
Yeah. Lots of fun.
Choosing my option, I head for the house, telling myself in the end, it’ll all be okay. Showing up unannounced, without a call or a warning, is usually no big deal, especially during the holidays. When everyone’s hearts are filled with generosity and all that bullshit.
I’ll be fine, I tell myself. I’ll be totally fine.
Eventually, I pull into the driveway and kill the car’s engine, then the lights. I sit in the driveway, my gaze landing on the massive, lit Christmas tree sitting in the front window, the white lights glittering in the dark. It looks homey. Inviting. And it fills my cold-ass heart with longing. Wishing for something I’ve never had.
Climbing out of the car, I head for the front door, climb the porch steps, and hit the doorbell.
Nothing.
I knock on the door. Rapidly. Three knocks in a row.
Still nothing.
Worry filling me, I glance around, spotting the partially open gate on the side of the house. That’s dangerous as fuck. Any asshole can walk straight into their back yard.
Like me.
I make my way around to the back of the house, where I see the kitchen lights are on. There’s a lone figure inside, standing at the counter, her long, dark hair in a messy bun. It looks like she’s making…
Cookies?
Creeping closer, the sugary, chocolaty scent hits me. Jocelyn is making chocolate chip cookies.
My favorite.
She’s got an ice cream scooper thing and she’s scooping the dough out of a giant bowl, plopping it on top of the cookie sheet in small round balls. She rubs at her forehead with the side of her hand, since her fingers appear coated in dough, and there’s a giant streak of what I think is flour across the front of her sweater.
She’s an adorable mess.
I’m so entranced by watching her, I sort of forget I’m not supposed to be there. I come closer to the window. Even closer. Until I’m standing directly in front of it and I can hear her phone is on. Playing an old Spotify playlist that used to drive me up the fucking wall because she listened to those songs on repeat every morning when we sat in her car in the parking lot before class started.
Over and over.
Hearing them now fills me with a nostalgic pain over what I lost.
I was an idiot. A fool.
Jos glances up, as if she can hear my thoughts, and our gazes meet. Lock. She blinks once. Twice, a frown on her face. She grabs a towel off the counter and furiously wipes her hands as she makes her way to the back door. I remain rooted in place, fully prepared for her to tell me to get the fuck out of here.
It’s the least I deserve.
Seven
Jocelyn
When I got home from the disastrous late lunch at Pete’s Place, I immediately knew I needed a distraction, or else I’d go out of my mind running over everything that happened again and again.
So I started making cookies.
Having to concentrate on following the recipe and mixing the ingredients was just the thing I needed to take my mind off my run-in with Cami. The things she said to me. Seeing Diego confused me even more. He’s so…nice. He says things that make no sense.
Was he actually ever with Cami? Did they have sex? Everyone said they did.
Everyone.
But he makes it seem like they didn’t. She, of course, acts like they’re still talking, and maybe they are. It’s almost easier to believe the worst of Diego. Believing he did all of those things with Cami gives me permission to hate him. Allows me to keep him at arm’s length at all times, so I don’t have to deal with him. See his face. Remember everything we once shared.