"I'm not pregnant, if that's why you're asking. I'm on birth control, or at least I was on birth control before..." I answer quietly. I was supposed to refill my prescription, but never got around to it, obviously.
Cole and I were always careful, wearing condoms, pulling out, even though, a couple of times he didn't pull out, which pissed me off. Cole seemed to think it would be okay if I got pregnant, but told me it wouldn't happen anyway and alas, he was right.
"Well, let's have you take a test anyway, just in case."
"Sure," I say with a shrug as I take the little see-through cup from his hands and head to the bathroom.
When I come back, I place it on the table and go back to the exam table.
"Sore throat?" he asks and jots something down when I nod in agreement. Every time I try to swallow, it hurts.
"Nausea?"
"Hmmm...not really. Well, lately yes, but my throat hurts so much and anytime I try to eat anything it's just...yuck."
He nods. "That's understandable, stick to soups and liquids until you start to feel better." He gets up and takes the urine sample and puts a stick in it, then takes it out and places it on the table.
"You can get dressed while this gives us a result. I'll step out and give you some privacy," he says with a smile.
I get dressed and sit back down until I hear him knock lightly again. He comes in, sits down beside me, and we continue to small talk about his wife, where I went to school, what I studied. He's telling me about a nephew of his who had gone to law school and dropped out as he gets up to look at the test. I breathe a sigh of relief at the look on his face, even though I knew I had nothing to worry about.
He jots something down and looks up at me smiling. "The test is positive," he says softly, still smiling.
My stomach drops. "What? Like positive I'm not pregnant? Or positive..." I ask numbly, expecting him to tell me this is some kind of sick joke.
His smile falters and he gives me a confused look. "You're pregnant."
I gape at him as my hands fly over my mouth. "I can't be pregnant," I say in a muffled voice. I'm stunned silent, watching him, waiting for him to tell me it's some type of sick joke they're playing on me. When I see his unchanging expression, I think of Cole and how happy he'd be if he were here with me. I start to sob quietly into my hands. Doctor Kellogg puts a hand on my shoulder and gives me a sympathetic look.
"I'll have to do an ultrasound. My machine is in the basement. Do you think you'll be okay to walk down there?" he asks softly.
I nod my head as unwanted tears spill down my face. Oh my God. I'm really pregnant? I wipe my tears and walk out of the room clutching my robe closed. Dean is sitting right outside the door, but stands up quickly when he sees me.
"Are you okay?"
"No," I answer hoarsely. "I'm not okay, at all."
"What's wrong with her?" he demands as he looks at the doctor.
"I can't say, kid," Doctor Kellogg replies with a shake of his head.
"Blake, what's wrong with you?" Dean asks as he holds my shoulders firmly.
A sob escapes me as I look into his worried eyes, and I start to cry again. Dean pulls me in and holds me while I sob.
"Oh my God. I can't. I can't," I say through my sobs. When I calm down, I take a deep breath and inhale his cigarette and cinnamon smell. "I'm pregnant," I whisper brokenly against his chest.
I feel him stiffen. "What?" Shocked, he lifts my chin to look at him. "How can you be pregnant?"
I push off his chest and give him a "how the fuck do you think?" look.
"Is it Cole's?" he asks, his expression hardening.
I refuse to comment and continue to walk toward Kellogg and follow him downstairs to his basement, leaving a shocked Dean behind. Kellogg explains to me that it has to be a vaginal ultrasound, and shows me a dildo with a condom over it.
"You're kidding, right?" I ask, horrified as I look at the instrument.
He laughs. "No, it'll be painless, trust me."
I hear stomping footsteps coming downstairs and tense.
"Dean! I don't want you here, this is uncomfortable enough," I yell.
"I don't give a fuck. I wanna be here. You don't got nothing I haven't seen before, trust me," he yells back as he walks toward us.
I let my head hit the cushion under me and exhale. Dean takes a seat next to me, and looks at me with an expression on his face that I don't understand. More guilt, I guess. Good.
I gasp and bite down on my lip when I feel the dildo thing sliding inside me slowly.
"Relax," the doctor tells me.
I take a deep breath and try to do as I'm told. Dean grabs on to the hand closest to his and holds it in both of his. I can only stare at him as he stares back and suddenly this feels way too intimate. All my thoughts vanish when I hear ruffling on the monitor beside me and see a little peanut pop on the screen me.
"There's your baby," the doctor says, pointing at it.
"It's so...tiny," I muse, in awe despite myself, as tears well in my eyes again.
Dr. Kellogg laughs. "You're still early in the pregnancy."
When Dean squeezes my hand, I start to cry again.
"I can't do this," I whimper as Dean soothes me by caressing my hair. I want to tell him to stop. Demand him to stop. But I can't. Instead, I lean into him and let him comfort me as I close my eyes and pretend it's Cole. But it's not, and it won't be, and I hate it. I hate that they've not only taken me from him, but also robbed us of this moment together. He should be the one sitting beside me watching our baby with me.
On the ride back home, I'm still sniffling back tears and distantly staring at the houses we're driving by. The last thing I expected to hear today was that I was pregnant. What am I supposed to do now?
"Alex used to go out with your mom," Dean says suddenly, snapping me out of my daydream.
"What?" I ask, turning my head slowly to look at him.
"That's what I heard. That's what I know. He hadn't seen her in a while before he went to your house that night...when you were little," he says, giving me a sad smile. "She wouldn't return his phone calls, and he showed up there. But I don't know what happened after that. Nobody will talk about it. I just know things went horribly wrong that night."
"That's an understatement," I scoff.
"Sorry, chick. You've been through a lot."
I nod, contradicting my thoughts. A lot doesn't even begin to cover it.
Cole and I went to get an ultrasound done today. We were able to see our baby boy moving around on the screen. I've never seen Cole so happy before, he keeps smiling and kissing my bump as he talks to the baby about baseball games he's going to take him to. The sparkle in his green eyes is so beautiful—it almost makes me forget all of the heartache we've been through. This moment makes it all worth it. My heart melts when he runs his hand lightly down my arm and smiles at me, showing me that dimple that I love. Yes, this moment definitely makes it all worth it.
"Blake, I brought you food," he says slowly, at a distance, breaking my gaze away from the beautiful smile before me. "Blake! Wake up."