The gap that Henry’s presence left had been filled with grief so deep and stark Vik feared it would’ve been never-ending. He didn’t think he’d survive it. But he had. How had Temple managed it? He’d had Henry for longer than Vik did. Loved him for that length of time. How had he managed?
He made his way back downstairs and the doorbell went off just as he reached the bottom of the stairs. Damn, that was fast. He went to the door, frowning as he tried to figure out why his heart was racing.
“Hey.” He greeted Temple with a small smile, stepping back so that he could come in from the cold.
Temple grunted his own greeting, shrugging off his coat and handing it to Vik, who hung it up in the coat closet before motioning for Temple to follow him. He led the other man into the family room. A place familiar to Temple. He and Henry had spent many hours in there drinking and gaming, planning stuff for their jobs that Vik hadn’t been allowed to know about.
After Temple took a seat, his brow lowered as if he was trying to figure out what was going on, Vik offered him a drink which Temple declined.
Vik remained standing, flustered suddenly. The intensity of Temple’s expectant stare set off butterflies in his stomach and he didn’t know what to do with his hands. He hid then behind his back.
“No decorations?” Temple glanced around.
“No,” Vik licked his lips. “I just—I haven’t been in the mood.”
Temple nodded, a grave gesture filled with understanding. “I’m sorry.” His voice rumbled.
Vik shook his head. “This is why I wanted to talk.” He sat opposite Temple and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “The last time we saw each other—” He’d been watching closely, that was the only reason he caught the slight stiffening of Temple’s shoulders under his gray sweater. “I’ve been wanting to apologize for two years.”
Temple’s eyes widened.
“I didn’t think I’d get the chance.”
“What do you need to apologize for?”
“The things I said that day.” When Temple opened his mouth, Vik held up a hand. “Please. I need to get this out. What I said that day, I didn’t mean any of it. I was broken and in pain and I needed you to feel like I felt.”
“I did.”
The quiet admission tightened Vik’s chest. “Yes, but I didn’t see it. It’s not your fault what happened to Henry. Please don’t think for a moment that it is. Henry was a grown man who made his decisions knowing the consequences. You are not to blame here.” He inhaled deeply then let it out, holding Temple’s gaze. It wasn’t an easy thing to do because it felt as if the other man was stripping him down to nothing, leaving him vulnerable, and Vik didn’t like it, but he also couldn’t look away. There was a sudden shift in his chest as if a load had been lifted, or at least shrunken in size so that it was no longer difficult to breathe. “I’m ashamed of the things I said,” he told Temple quietly. “You’d just lost the man you called a brother and I gave no regards to your pain.” His voice trembled. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“He thought you were getting tired of him always leaving.”
“I was.” Vik cleared his throat. “At first, you guys would be gone for a weekend, but it became longer and longer. I found myself worrying more and more about the jobs you were taking but I didn’t want to say anything. He liked it. Made him feel alive, as if he were doing something worthy.”
“I told him it would be the last job.” Temple’s voice sounded heavy with grief and regret. Vik’s heart hurt for him. “I told him we’d quit after that job.”
But it didn’t happen that way. A tear rolled down Vik’s cheek.
“I’ve lived with that for the past two years,” Temple confessed. He touched a knuckle to Vik’s wet cheek, wiping his tears. “Knowing I’m the reason he decided to go. Knowing I’m the reason you no longer have him.”
“No.” Vik grabbed his hand, squeezing gently. “Please don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself.” He stared into Temple’s eyes, feeling as if he were free-falling. They were ice-blue, Temple’s eyes, but Vik was sweating under his armpits, just from that stare and the warmth of Temple’s skin. “It’s not your fault,” he insisted. “Henry made his choice. He did, not you.” His lips trembled. “I blamed myself too, you know. For not sharing how I felt about the job. My therapist helped me see that it wasn’t my fault. I want you to see that,” he whispered. “It’s not your fault, Temple.”
The other man stared at him, hair loose from the ponytail at his nape. Vik couldn’t stop staring at him. Temple had always made him nervous. He could be dangerous when he had to be, Vik didn’t doubt that. But that wasn’t the reason. The first time they’d met, when Henry introduced them, Vik had gotten that sensation too, of falling into the frosty depths of Temple’s eyes and coming out scalded. When he spoke and Vik had shivered with goose bumps, he’d known Temple was trouble.
Now, Temple’s mouth curved the tiniest bit as he dragged his knuckle down Vik’s cheek. “I accept your apology.”
Vik swore he heard his own heartbeat as the organ slammed against his ribcage. His body flushed. “And the other thing?” When Temple lifted an eyebrow, Vik told him, “The not blaming yourself part.”
Temple dipped his chin. “It’s gonna be a bit harder to pivot from that mindset, but I’ll work on it.”
“I’ll help you. If you want, I mean,” he added quickly.
Temple smiled again and Vik couldn’t stop staring at his mouth. This was more than he’d seen Temple smile in all the years he’d known the other man.
“I would like that.”
They stared at each other, Vik trying and failing to not stare at his mouth and Temple’s gaze doing things, making him feel things he could’ve sworn were lost to him after Henry’s death. They sat there, Vik still holding on to Temple’s wrist, Temple’s knuckles resting on Vik’s chin. But when Temple’s gaze dropped to his mouth, Vik released him and snatched his hand away, clearing his throat as he sat back.
“How have you been?” His voice sounded as if he’d swallowed sand. “What have you been up to the past two years?”
Temple settled back onto the couch, grasping on to the change of subject. Vik listened as he recounted his tales of traveling, hopping from country to country wherever the jobs took him. Just like Henry had done, Temple didn’t offer up many details, but Vik read between the lines. Sometimes they rescued people when the government’s hands were tied up in bureaucracy, or whose loved ones couldn’t go through regular, legal channels. Oftentimes the jobs weren’t as altruistic. There were instances of retrieving stolen items, or of just plain old robberies.
There was a code they lived by though, Henry and Temple. They didn’t hurt innocents.
As Temple spoke, Vik watched him get comfortable as he lowered his guard. There was a wistfulness in his voice though, a whisper of mourning. Clearly, he missed Henry.
When Temple was done, Vik opened up, telling Temple of the difficulty in getting back on his feet and finally making the decision to quit his job and open up The Java Bean with his savings and the money Henry left him. He’d wanted to make Henry proud. He explained how he’d lost his love for Christmas and the disaster that had been his visit with his family. When he shared about the new Java Bean location, Temple’s eyes lit up with excitement.