The Pistons, my husband’s former team before they voided his contract and sent him packing over the charges, won the World Series. I’m both secretly elated that he’s not on the winning roster and won’t be getting a ring, but also terrified. It could make his revenge, both in and out of the courtroom, that much more swift. He’ll blame me as the reason he didn’t receive another championship.
“It was something, all right. A happy victory, but tainted. If I’m being honest, I’ve just been thinking about you, Hannah.” The way he says my name does something funny to my insides.
I don’t know to say, but it’s okay because Walker continues. “I can’t believe that judge didn’t grant the restraining order to all of you. It boils my blood that those little girls have to be around that monster. What he did to you? I see it in my mind every night. I just want to make sure you’re okay. If there is anything I can do, for you or the girls. Or with a lawyer. Testifying, helping, I want to be here for you.”
God, I don’t deserve the kindness of this man. I put myself in this situation, kept my girls in it while I suffered and they suffered tangentially.
“Thank you, it does mean something to have you in our corner. I’m sure there are a lot of your teammates who do not feel the same. But, I’m okay. I think. I’ve been meeting with a decent lawyer, it’s just that …”
I’m so embarrassed to talk about my financial situation that my cheeks must turn a bright shade of scarlet.
“Is he helping you with the girls? Monetarily, I mean. Don’t tell me he froze your accounts.” Walker’s eyes look deadly, like he might pounce on Shane if I answer in any way other than yes, my husband has still been supporting us.
All I can manage to do is shake my head, because my tongue is too twisted with guilt about my lack of contributions to the family bank accounts.
Walker shoots his gaze to the quickly darkening night sky, blowing out a breath. “That motherfucker, I should have known. He does this to you and then takes everything away. What a piece of … what can I do? I’ll call the lawyers I know, put down the entire fee. We’ll fight him, Hannah, tooth and nail. Whatever you need, I’ll give it to you. I—”
“Walker, you can’t fix this for me.” My voice is so small, because I’m humbled and saddened at the same time. “Part of the reason I’m here is because I let a man provide my entire life. He controlled everything, from the purse strings to the way I prepared dinner. I’m hurting, there is no doubt about that. But I can’t go from one man, or even person, to the next in terms of people helping me solve my problems. I have to stand on my own two feet.”
It feels vindicating to say that, even if I can’t yet see the light at the end of my tunnel. And even if my parents were helping to shell out for the lawyer, who is nowhere near as top-notch as Shane’s team of lawyers. That still burns, that I had to involve my parents in this. But I’d much rather lean on family than another male to rescue me.
“You’re the strongest person I know. Truly. But the divorce settlement, it’ll allow you to gain access to some of that? You’re not a gold digger, Hannah. You were the man’s wife for years, before he was ever successful. And the girls, they deserve that, too. The courts will make it right. Right?”
Now it’s my turn for a guilty hand rubbing the back of my neck. “Well, that would mean I’d have to have filed for divorce already.”
Walker’s gaze shoots straight through to my soul, his voice deadpan. “You haven’t filed for divorce?”
The two of us stand in silence for a moment, staring at each other, and then I shrug. “It’s complicated.”
I see it all pass over his face. Confusion. Disgust. Disappointment. Something that looks close to hope all but caving in. I wonder, for the split second that I allow myself to imagine, just what he came over here to accomplish. Was there something else he came here for?
“I see. In that case, I should get going. I just … I’m glad I could see for myself that you’re okay.” His expression was unreadable as he turned and walked back to his parking spot in the small lot facing the row of condo homes at my back.
It’s strange that the organ in my chest twists a little as he goes, watching him leave creates a sense of longing deep in the pit of my stomach. The way he shut down just before he retreated tells me that Walker clearly could not understand just how complicated this all is for me. I couldn’t even get out a goodbye, I was so blindsided by the entire encounter.
But as I watch him drive off, his eyes averted as he pulls out and speeds off, I put myself in his shoes. He picked me up off the pavement, a bleeding, crying mess, and stayed with me through it all as doctor’s stitched up my head and police officers came to take pictures of my wounds. He probably thinks I’m a weak idiot for not immediately trying to end my marriage. For not severing every tie with Shane the moment I could see straight after the concussion my husband had given me.
I suppose, applying that logic, I look like I am seven shades of stupid.
The girls and Dahlia are inside, probably waiting to hear what kept me on the front steps for so long. Even with that in mind, I lower myself to the top of the stoop, sitting with my elbows on my knees. I need a moment, just one, where I can pull off the mask I’ve had to don since the final assault happened.
I’ve been putting on an act for years, wearing the disguise of a perfect mother and happy wife. Even now, I have to keep it from slipping, because my girls are too young to know the ugliness their parent is facing.
And for just another moment, I let myself wish that I could take Walker Callahan up on his offer. That he could fix this for me. That he could hold me through it all.
The way I feel about Walker is confusing. For starters, I’m married. I would never be the kind of person to even look at another man while I am still Shane’s wife, and I never did. Even in the worst of times, I wouldn’t have cheated. So the fact that I’m still legally bound to him? It makes having feelings for someone else stir up so much uncalled for guilt, shame, and perplexity.
I should have no qualms about being attracted to another man, about wondering what it would be like to be with him … intimately. Especially one as wonderful as Walker Callahan. Especially with the way my husband has treated me for the past five years. But I do. I’m a nervous wreck about even remotely feeling a tiny surge of butterflies for the golden boy of the Pistons.
For so many reasons, too. Because I am married. Because I’m currently on the precipice of fighting the hardest battle of my life. Because the last man I gave my heart and soul to crushed them into unrepairable pieces. Because Walker has been nothing but an amazing friend to me, and he doesn’t need to be swept up into my mess. Because even though he came here tonight, there is no way he feels the same in the slightest; there have got to be women lining up around the block to date him.
And mostly, if I’m not lying to myself, because if I did give in to this spark, at a time like this, I might truly lose myself forever.
6
Walker
“No, that’s fine, come on in. I wasn’t doing anything anyway.”