I feel more centered when I return to the mic. My pep-talk to the band was as much for me as them. Music I know. Hell, it’s the only thing I know. I’m useless outside of that, which is why I need this to work. I’ve already sold my soul and lost. Now I’m selling the shards of what’s left.
I shove my right in-ear back in to drown out Hadley and Naomi’s hushed tones behind me. Probably discussing what a shitty guardian and human I am. Whatever. They’re not wrong, but right now I can’t let my failures screw up the one thing I have left. If I lose this too—
“Hey, Julian?”
I startle at Viv’s voice and glance over at her.
She smiles. “This song is gonna be amazing. You’re doing great.”
By the time we break for lunch, Hadley and Naomi are BFFs.
Maybe part of me feels relieved to see the girl smile. Sure, I worry about her. Constantly, really. Her mother is dead and her father is the ass-crack of a piece of scum. Of course I feel for her, but I don’t know how to reach her, how to help when I’m probably only a step above her shitty dad.
What do I know about raising a troubled kid? Two seconds of reading through articles about me and Eastern Crush, and you’d think I was on the committee that invented fuckups. I’m sure she’s seen the articles as well, that she believes all the lies—and tiny slivers of truth. Most people do, and honestly, a lot of my act is to convince myself I deserve this second chance as much as everyone else.
Naomi laughs, huddled at a table with Hadley and Viv while they eat the lunches she and Hadley brought back for us. The sound catches me off-guard, strangely musical and ethereal. Young. Innocent. It pierces me as I study her from the other side of the room, grabs at my heart and lodges in the pit of my stomach. That should be me making her light up. I’m her family, her guardian, and yet, I’m the one who makes her run.
And scream.
And cry.
I’m the reason she hides in the dark because I have no clue how to draw her out of a world I’ve been living in since I was a kid myself.
My phone buzzes, and I glance down through a bite of my sandwich at a text from Mason.
How’s the first day going? You have a band name yet?
I set my half-eaten sandwich on the wrapper and wipe my fingers on a napkin.
Not yet. Rehearsal’s going pretty good, though, I type back.
It’s not entirely a lie since comments like that are relative and meaningless anyway.
We could really have something, I add. If I didn’t keep screwing everything up.
I leave that last part off. Mason knows about Naomi. Hell, his advice and listening ear over this past month have been a big part of what’s kept me afloat. He’s already gone above and beyond for someone he should hate after what my former band did to him. I’m not about to let on that his efforts could all be for nothing.
Because the day isn’t over yet. Maybe there’s still something to salvage, even if it’s only a few more smiles for that girl before I screw it up again. I glance over at the small circle of women and draw in a deep breath.
Pushing myself up from the couch, I cross to the high-top table where they’re seated.
“Hey, Julian,” Viv says. Her smile seems sincere, and I have to say, I like her more and more. She always seemed down-to-earth considering her status and the level of success she enjoyed in her previous life. But after today, after seeing how hard she works and how much she pours into her music and those around her, my previous reservations about her have eased. I almost feel bad for my doubts.
Hadley, on the other hand—as advertised. It’s like she’s purposely avoiding me as I hover beside her.
“Hey,” I say to Viv, then focus on Naomi. “You get enough to eat? I haven’t touched my chips if you want them.”
Naomi rolls her eyes and lifts her own bag she’s actively snacking on. I swallow and force a smile. “Right. Okay. Well, if you’re still hungry when you finish that, let me know.”
“Whatever. Bye, Uncle J,” she quips, shooing me from the table.
I wince at the blatant rejection, not sure what else to do but nod to the others and push back from the table. If they didn’t know I was a crappy guardian before, they sure as hell do now.
I feel Hadley’s stare in my back as I walk away, and it’s everything I can do to keep my shoulders square and maintain a confident gait. She can’t know I’m hurt. No one can, especially Naomi. I can only imagine what Naomi’s told her. Hadley must really despise me now.
I drop back to the couch and crack open a water bottle, no longer hungry. Laughter filters toward me again, and I try to ignore its effects as I review a lyric that’s been haunting me lately.
“Please stay. I need you for the better days.”
I don’t even know what it means. I woke up with those words in my brain, like a song from a dream I can’t remember. There’s more to it, I feel the rest, but can’t touch it.
Commotion at the entrance of the room draws our attention, and I turn to see a tall, ripped gladiator of a dude standing in the doorway and scanning our group.
“Oliver? Oh my gosh!” Viv cries, jumping up from her seat. She rushes to the guy and throws her arms around him. He grins in a way that makes me feel guilty for watching. Must be the hockey player boyfriend. I focus back on my sandwich.
“So, what did they say?” Viv asks him.
“I’m cleared to skate. Monday I take the ice.”
Viv shrieks, transforming into an entirely different person than she was five minutes ago. Light and happy in a way I’ve never seen. I sneak another glance, half-expecting her to be wearing different clothes and have a new face as well. Is that what love does? Transforms dark into light?
My gaze crosses to Naomi.
What does the absence of love do?
I’m surprised to see an open and awed expression on my niece’s face while she studies the couple in the doorway. For someone who works so hard to display her cynicism as heavily and literally as she does, she sure looks intrigued by the opposite.
Ashley loved her daughter. If she was half the mom she was a sister, I have no doubt that girl’s first ten years were an entirely different story than the nightmare of this past one. What would it be like to have love sucked away and replaced with… me?
I pull in a heavy breath and tear my gaze away before it does more damage. Except, it gets caught on another girl. This one is older, stronger, but just as cynical as our eyes collide in a silent standoff.
Hadley’s blond hair is pulled back in a twist, her blue eyes practically glowing from a clear, makeup-free face. Striking cheekbones naturally contour her features in a way I never noticed before. She could be drop-dead gorgeous if she didn’t seem to go out of her way to avoid exactly that. It’s like she wants to hide, to disappear in the shadow of her employer.
Her bright blue eyes fire darts at me.
Caught, I force my gaze to the TV on the wall behind her as if my interest was always in whatever boring movie is playing. Damn, why does she have to be so freaking hot and how did I not notice it before?
Because she clearly didn’t want you to.
She’d probably punch me for even thinking that.
“We’ll be back!” Viv assures us, clinging to her boyfriend as they move from the room. I smirk and shake my head at the obvious hookup about to go down. Good for them. At least one of us isn’t miserable today.