She takes a deep breath and gazes at me.
I'm frozen, not sure if I should move closer.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me," she whispers.
Instinct takes over. I quickly go to her. "Nothing is wrong with you, Flower. You've been through a lot of trauma. It's normal."
"It doesn't feel normal."
"It's my fault. I shouldn't have—"
"It's not your fault. None of this is your fault," she sternly states.
"I'm sorry I broke my promise to you."
She scrunches her face. "What are you talking about?"
"I told you I would never hurt you."
"You haven't."
"I did."
"No, you didn't."
"I shouldn't wave my hands around and talk so harshly."
"Hunter, you can't stop being who you are."
"I'll—"
"No. It's not your fault. And I..." She looks away, and my gut does a nosedive. It's like I know something terrible is coming.
My mouth goes dry. Everything stills as I wait for her to look at me and speak.
Her hands tremble. "I... I don't think I should involve you in all my issues."
I swallow the thick lump in my throat. "What are you saying?"
She wipes under her eye and finally turns to me. "I'm not the person I used to be, and I'm not sure if she's even still in me."
"She is. It's not even been a day since you've been free."
"But I'm not free, am I?"
"I don't understand."
"He's with me, in my head. He steps into conversations that have nothing to do with him. For eight months, I lived with men who were ruthless and vile. I knew what they expected of me and how not to upset them."
"You don't have to worry about upsetting me," I blurt out.
She shakes her head. "You don't get it."
"Then help me understand." The thumping of my heart is so fast and loud, I'm sure she can hear it.
"In those eight months, I never had an episode."
"I'll do better. I promise. And I'm going to apologize to Julieta. I shouldn't have argued with her."
She reaches up and puts her shaking hand on my cheek. "This isn't about you. You're amazing. I don't want you to change."
What is happening here?
"The moment I'm with normal people—good people—I freak out. He still has me in his prison, and I'm messed up from it. And I don't want to drag you into this."
"You aren't dragging me into anything."
She briefly closes her eyes. When she opens them, they are full of determination. "You're already talking about changing how you act around me. I had to change for him, and now I'm nothing like who I used to be. I won't do that to anyone else."
My jaw twitches under the tremors that speed up in her hand.
Is she breaking up with me?
She's not my girlfriend.
"Why do I get the impression you're telling me to go away?"
She sniffles. "I don't think I should be with anyone until I can function normally around people. It's not fair to you."
Blood pounds in my ears.
Stay calm.
"What does that mean exactly? Are you telling me to stay away from you?"
"No. But I don't think we should be doing anything anymore. You feel responsible for my issues, and they aren't yours."
"You're my target. You are my responsibility."
Hurt crosses her face. "You sleep with all your targets?"
"No. I've never slept with a target before."
She takes a deep breath. "Okay. So treat me like your typical targets and nothing more."
"But, you're not just any target to me."
A tear drips down her cheek. "Hunter, I'm screwed up."
"Stop saying that. You aren't. You've just been through a lot and need to give it some time."
"I am. You need to realize it. And I shouldn't involve anyone in my mess until I figure it out."
"Flower—"
"Please." She closes her eyes. "I've made up my mind."
She's been through enough.
I shouldn't pressure her to be with me.
I shouldn't have touched her. She's a target, and I put her in an uncomfortable position.
This is my fault.
Be the man she needs and not a selfish one.
"If this is what you want, then I'll give it to you." I lean down, kiss her forehead, and turn and leave.
Every step away from her twists the knife in my chest. Anything I could have done wrong, I did. And now she's paying the price for it.
I want to scream.
I want to hit something.
I want to wither up and hide from everyone.
But there is nothing I can do to stop the pain, and I know it. For a brief moment, my beautiful Flower was mine. But now, I've lost her.
I let my emotions lead me instead of my head. It's my fault I argued with Julieta.
Why did I get into it with her? What was arguing going to achieve?
Nothing. But I'm a hothead, just like Kalim always claims whenever I do something stupid.
This is worse than anything I've done in the past. My actions hurt Vanessa. And now, she's done with me.
I walk right past everyone, as they all stare at me, and go into the woods.
I don't know where I'm going. But if I stay at the campsite, I'm going to lose it. So I trek through the jungle for several hours, trying to clear my head and figure out how to get through my remaining time with Vanessa.
The farther I walk, the more my head spins. I still don't know when or where we're supposed to drop her off. The thought of never seeing her again eats at my soul.
One thing never changes, though, no matter how far I go or whether she wants me around her or not. I'm not delivering her anywhere unless it's safe.
When I get back to camp, Andre is waiting for me and growls, "Where have you been?"
"I needed air. And we need to talk."
7
Vanessa
Hunter leaves, and the last look he gives me sends a new ache through my heart.
What did I just do?
It's not fair to drag him through my mess.
I need to figure it out.
Four times I've had an episode that bad. All were with Carlos. My panic attacks started after the first time he hurt me. As things got worse, they progressed. The worst of them were back-to-back. Then the guerrillas kidnapped me.
Not once in my time with the guerrillas or during the week I was with Santiago did I spiral into that tunnel of fear. Yes, my heart began racing again when I was delivered to Santiago, but I didn't have any attacks.
I don't know why it had to pop out today. Besides the looming question of where I'm going next, I'm with men who will protect me.
And the only thing I feel in Hunter's arms is safe. But I won't do to him what Carlos did to me. He required me to act in ways that weren't me.
Before him, I spoke my opinion and made my own decisions. Over time, the outgoing, self-confident woman Carlos initially met no longer existed. Every word I spoke around him, I debated in my head, fearful I would say the wrong thing. Even looking at another person in a way Carlos didn't like would set him off.