And now?
Now everything was awkward.
My sister Violet was gone, married off to Russian royalty, and living in Seattle, though I was excited she was visiting soon.
Maksim and Izzy had been sleeping together only to have my dad and Andrei find out because they were lazy.
Not lazy as in they got caught because they got comfortable but fucking loud.
They’d both been naked.
And Maksim, the jackass, had backed off after my dad politely asked him to—at gunpoint.
Which just pissed Izzy off because she was young, and Maksim was, according to her, sexy as hell. They’d been inseparable for years, so the fact that he just shrugged and moved on made her want to commit murder, which was why he was at the opposite end of the table and currently looking anywhere but Izzy as she sharpened a fucking knife in front of her empty plate.
Any other day and I would have laughed.
But not today.
Today I felt nothing but the usual numbness.
Funny, how I used to pray to feel nothing.
And now that I did?
Now that I tamped it all down, I would do anything to feel again.
Anything to not hate myself as much as I did.
Anything to not hate everyone else as much as I did.
But after my break.
After Claire said goodbye in my dreams.
After I let her go.
All I could see was her face in that hospital bed.
“She’s not coming back, son.” Nikolai Blazik, doctor to the Russians and scary as shit associate, handed me the needle then. I knew it would stop her heart. I knew it would give her an honorable death.
But I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t shove the needle in.
So I sat there.
Holding her limp bandaged hand as the machines breathed for her and I counted all the bandages.
Twenty-seven.
Then I counted all the bruises.
Sixteen.
Then I counted each of the breaths the machine took for her, one, two, three… The slow hum of the room reminded me that when I walked away, the humming would stop.
There would be nothingness.
I would be left.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I placed a hand on her still flat stomach. There used to be a heartbeat there.
Today there was silence.
“I bought a onesie,” I confessed. “I was going to surprise her and start on the baby room.” My hands shook—one held the needle that would release her from this broken body, one was pressed against the life that had been taken from us.
The life that had terrified and excited me.
I choked out a sob as Nikolai put his hand over mine. “The baby didn’t suffer, and neither did Claire; you have to believe me when I say—the way she was hit was a kindness compared to what could have happened.”
I squeezed my eyes shut as tears slid down my cheeks in rapid succession. “But what about those few seconds before she died? What about those seconds of fear, Nik? Where I wasn’t there? Where she knew in her soul that something was happening, but she couldn’t do anything? How do I live with the fact that she always trusted and expected me to protect her in this life—and I failed? I fucking failed! And those three seconds, she had to feel scared, petrified, Nik. And I wasn’t there to take away that fear, and I can’t take it away now. All I can do is imagine the moment over and over again.”
“Ash.” Nik’s eyes blurred with tears. “I wouldn’t wish those three seconds on my worst enemy.”
I sucked in a painful breath.
He sighed. “You expected me to lie, to make you feel better?”
“Maybe.”
My lips tasted salty as I leaned down and kissed her stomach, laying my ear against it, willing there to be life inside her body when I knew there was nothing but death.
“One. Two. Three,” Nikolai whispered. “And then nothing but your body’s natural response to trauma. I imagine that when we’re in coma’s we dream about our favorite moments, so yes, those three seconds were horrible, I’m sure of it, just like I’m convinced that her dreams for the last hour have been full of love. Full of you.”
I burst into uncontrollable sobs. “I can’t survive this. I won’t.”
Nikolai gripped me by the shoulders, his fingers digging into my skin as his dark eyes held me captive. “For the sake of your family. You. Must. This is your cross to bear, and you will bear it.”
A soft moan escaped Claire’s lips.
Nikolai jerked back and gently pulled the equipment from her mouth as she choked.
“You’re awake! Nik, she’s awake!” I cupped her bruised cheeks. It was a miracle! “Claire, sweetheart, can you hear me? It’s Ash. I’m here, I’m here, you’re going to be fine.”
She shook her head as a solitary tear ran down her cheek. “Take care.”
“I’m fine, you’re fine. Everything is going to be fine!” My heart was pounding so hard. She was going to be okay! She was awake.
“No.” She squeezed her eyes shut as a trickle of blood ran from her lips. “Annie. Take care.”
The fuck! “You’re delirious, I love you, I love you.”
“Love you.” More blood trickled down from her mouth as she turned her head to the side and whispered. “Annie, take care…”
I opened my mouth to ask what she was talking about when she suddenly coded.
“Claire!” I roared. “Nikolai, do something!”
He rushed over to the paddles. “Move her gown, now!”
He rubbed the paddles together and pressed them to her chest.
I started counting again.
The seconds.
And how many went by as he tried and tried and tried again only to finally stop as sweat poured down his face and he shook his head.
Rage pounded into my body.
At Annie for stealing those last moments.
For it being her fault in the first place.
And at Claire—for leaving me. For using the last few seconds of her life to still protect the one reason, she was dead in the first place.
I would take it to my grave. How much I resented Claire. How much I refused to confess my anger at her for leaving me.
For caring more for Annie.
Than her fiancé.
“Helloooooooo, Ash?” Serena elbowed me in the gut. “You’re awfully quiet for someone who said he was so hungry he could eat Tank five minutes ago.”
I shook myself out of the memory and pasted a fake smile on my face. “I think I’d rather just kill him.”
“Right here, sitting across from you.” He glared, sweat still visible on his chiseled face. We’d sparred for the last hour. I got a few good shots in, but unfortunately, he was getting better, which meant he bruised my kidneys.
I was pretty sure I’d be peeing blood later.
“I know.” I grinned. “Why are you here again? You’re not family.”
“Ash, why the sudden hostility?” Serena gave me a knowing grin.
I grabbed a dinner roll and shoved it in her mouth. “You looked hungry.”
She spat out the roll, grabbed her knife, and held it to my throat. “Try that again, see what happens.”
“Junior… call her off, man. I can’t tell if her knife has sauce on it or blood.”
“Both. She’s crazy.” He smiled through his bite and then winked over at her. “And I mean that in the sexiest way.”