“It was nothing,” I said with a wave of my hand. The only person I was even remotely interested in right now was completely off limits. Besides, I had more baggage than any man needed. You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself first, and lately I was even struggling to like myself.
“You didn’t tell me Blakely would be wearing that when you offered to hire her,” Decker finally spoke up.
“Are you sexually objectifying one of my employees, Decker? For your next session, I’m taking you to a nudist colony,” Rose said with a tsk, making Lance nearly spit out his beer in laughter.
“N-No. I’m not!” Decker stuttered, and to my enjoyment, his entire body went stiff. “I’m just saying, it’s a little revealing.”
“Are you saying this because you’re concerned for her innocence? Cause Blakely is a grown woman—I bet she’s not even a virgin,” Rose added. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Besides, she’s eighteen. I support safe sexual exploration. It’s natural.”
“Can we stop talking about my baby sister’s sex life please?” Lance choked out. He was still sputtering on his beer and had to wipe his chin.
Rose scowled in response. “I hate double standards. Men get to act like pigs, but the second a woman spreads her legs, she’s a whore. Blakely, I always keep condoms in my desk, and the back room is open if you need them. Just not on the clock, okay? Oh, and the flavored condoms are in the right drawer.”
My mouth dropped open in shock. Did she seriously just say that to me? I didn’t know how to respond. “Thanks, Rose?” I glanced at Decker and noticed that he looked pissed, and I kind of wanted to piss him off more. “And in my experience, the flavored condoms never really taste as good as they claim,” I added just for fun. He turned the brightest shade of red I’d ever seen.
“I know, right? So misleading.”
And then I couldn’t stop. I just wanted to keep going, keep pissing off Decker. “I had an ex that wanted me to put the condom on with my mouth. I didn’t know they put spermicide on the inside, and I ended up choking on the taste. Worst decision ever. I nearly puked on his dick.” Maybe not the best story to share, considering I didn’t want Decker to think of sex with me and puking went hand in hand, but the words fell out of my rambling mouth before I could stop them.
Rose cocked her head back and laughed until tears were streaming down her cheeks. She kept wiping them away while Lance shook his head. Decker, on the other hand, just stared at me. His dark eyes were assessing as they swept up and down my body. “Oh God, Blakely. That’s priceless.” Rose patted my back.
“So, uh, anyways,” I began while shuffling on my feet. “What can I get y’all?” I clicked my pen and tapped it against my notepad, wanting nothing more than to disappear.
“Actually, we came here to pick you up. I have a surprise for you!” Lance said excitedly, all previous disgust gone from his face. I hated how my heart fell.
Most of Lance’s surprises thus far had been in memory of Mama, and I didn’t want another night where I’d have to straddle the line between happiness and reality for his sake. But because I’m a masochist, I plastered a smile on my face and tried to look excited. My false enthusiasm didn’t escape Decker though. I glanced at his scowl and could practically hear his whispered demands for truth.
“Oh?” I asked.
Rose interrupted, giving me more time to perfect my pretend happy face. She was weird but helpful at times. “It’s true. I’m giving you the rest of the night off. Go. Have fun. And your homework is to do something that scares you tonight. All of you,” she said before looking around the table. “I expect a full report in the morning!” And with that, she disappeared down the aisle of busy tables and waitresses, dancing on her feet as she went.
“Something that scares me, huh?” Lance asked as he stared at Rose’s ass disappearing down the restaurant. “I think where we’re going will be perfect for that.”
“A carnival?” I asked, as Lance maneuvered his Land Rover through a crowded parking lot. In the distance, I could see the bright lights illuminating the sky, I could also hear muffled screams inside the car. I was right in thinking that Lance would want to do something in honor of Mama, and even though I didn’t want to think about her, I couldn’t help but feel like she would enjoy this.
Mama always loved a good thrill; she did most anything for the adrenaline rush. There was something about rickety thrill rides haphazardly put together and taken apart night after night that got her going. Every time she came home from a carnival, it was like the entire world was lifted off her shoulders. I just wished that it was something she and I could have shared together, but Mama didn’t really like being a mother. She didn’t enjoy spending time with me outside of what was obligated.
“Are you excited?” Lance asked while looking at me through the rearview mirror. I was sitting in the backseat and quickly fixed my expression into one of joy. Hopefully, he believed it.
“Oh my gosh,” I began, forcing excitement to bleed through my teeth. “This is awesome! I didn't even know the carnival was in town.”
“It’s the last night. Figured we should celebrate since school starts on Monday. One last hurrah,” Lance answered while parking. He turned off the car and quickly got out of the driver side, but Decker and I lingered for a moment longer. I was reaching for the door handle, trying—and failing—to feel excited about something that should be exciting. Decker’s voice stopped me in my tracks.
“You okay?” he asked. His voice was so low I almost didn’t hear it.
“Yeah,” I choked out, knowing that he could sense the lie in my tone. Decker Harris could read me like a fucking book. I wasn’t sure how he figured me out so quickly, maybe it was the scientist in him, picking apart hypotheses and testing them until they yielded the result he wanted. I wasn’t an experiment; I was a broken soul with half a mind to run.
Pulling on the door handle, I got out without another word, not wanting to sit there and admit that this was hard for me. I struggled with Lance’s obsession with Mama but understood it, too. I just needed to separate my tarnished emotions from the equation so that I could support him.
Once in the parking lot, I looked over at Lance, who was bouncing on the balls of his feet, a wide grin taking over his face as he observed the scene before him. Teenagers were squealing and holding hands beside us. A mom had picked up her sleepy toddler and was carrying her back to a white minivan. A couple of drunk guys ahead were tossing beer bottles on the concrete, the glass shattering on impact.
All I could think about was how much I’d rather be at home in the silence. Despite my job at the bar, I never really liked crowds. I never really understood the appeal of places that buzzed with energy, either. It was another way Mama and I were vastly different. There was nothing but energy crawling all over this parking lot, and it made me want to go home and sleep.
“Let’s go,” Decker said with a sigh. His voice didn’t have nearly the amount of enthusiasm as my brother’s. It seemed he, too, felt uncomfortable.
“Come on, Decker. At least pretend to have some fun. I know if you had your way, you’d spend every night in my loft, but it’s good for you to get out.” Lance placed a hand on Decker’s shoulder and gave him a meaningful look.