She glanced at his hand, then his face.
The look on his face stopped her. Concern, maybe a touch of torment, lay open there for her to see his worry. “Will you tell me what’s really going on if I make you that coffee?”
Her heart screamed, Yes!
“I don’t know,” she said slowly.
He was very close to her now. Again. And that did things to her insides. Things that were hard to ignore. “I just want to know you’ll be alright.”
A lie was on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. Not for his peace of mind, not when she knew he’d see through her lie.
“I don’t know what I’ll be allowed to tell you. How’s that?” It was the truth.
His brows rose. “So there’s someone sending you into whatever this is by yourself?”
“Yes.”
Elias shook his head. “I know you’re capable. I know you’re skilled. I’m not trying to... Fuck. I just—it’s hard to not worry. Okay?”
Her heart melted.
This was why she’d always had a soft spot for him.
Jo turned to face him, looking into his deep brown eyes. She’d never forget seeing him after his accident. He’d wrestled with the torment so hard, and all she’d wanted to do was ease his pain. But she couldn’t.
“I know what you mean,” she said. “Honestly? It’s nice knowing someone gives a shit.”
His brow furrowed more, somehow. “Jo...”
He didn’t want to ask her questions she’d have to avoid.
“Let’s stop doing this, okay? You want me to tell you something I can’t. Can we just be two friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time? Please?” She selfishly wanted to enjoy this time. She didn’t want to go to bed and leave things like this. Not when she saw him once every few years.
“Okay.” He nodded and his features relaxed back into the face that was burned into her memory. “Just two friends hanging out. I just—you know you can call me for anything, right? Tonight, tomorrow, next year. I don’t know what you’re doing where you have to go it alone like this. You don’t have to tell me. I’m not going to ask. I will worry though.”
Jo swallowed, or tried to.
One of the reasons she’d gone into undercover was that she had few ties. No significant other. Her family couldn't care less if she were alive or dead. All of her friends were scattered across the country or still in the military.
She wasn’t used to someone caring what she did or how she was. And for it to be Elias? That just made it sting, while also making her want to think about being a little more careful. Because Elias was out here caring about what happened to her.
Jo’s insides wobbled, and she felt something inside of her buckling. She swallowed again and blinked a few times, but the wobbles were still there. For months she’d held it together, but a little time around Elias and suddenly she felt out of control, out of her element.
“Something wrong?” he asked.
“No. No, not at all.” She turned and took a step before realizing the only thing in front of her was the dead-end kitchen.
Shit.
“Jo?”
She turned again.
Elias blocked her easy escape. He had that worried look back on his face.
“Stop looking at me like I’m about to fuck up,” she snapped.
“Sorry,” he muttered.
“I don’t want an apology.” She pressed her fingers against her temples. Was this a bad idea? Being here with him?
Jo had forgotten the other side of being around Elias. The part where she got flustered and let her feelings for him trip her up.
“Okay.” He backed up a step. “How about I go to bed, give you some space?”
“Fine.”
Elias’s mouth twisted up.
She closed her eyes. “Okay, it’s not fine, I’m just weird. Okay?”
“Is this the kind of thing you want to talk to another woman about?”
“What? No.” The last thing she wanted was some nosey broad in her business.
“Can you tell me what you need? What I should, or can, do for you?”
She laid her hand on his bicep. “You’re doing it just by being you. You’ve already done so much. I can’t ask for anything else.”
“Okay, so...” He blew out a breath. “How are you these days?”
She chuckled. Small talk. This she could handle. “Good.”
“Good? That’s it?”
“I work a lot. It’s kind of all I do.”
“And your mom? Sister?”
She swallowed. He remembered? “Still the same. We talk maybe once a month, maybe. No holiday plans, obviously. You?”
“No plans either.”
“Really? I would have thought the way your sisters were having kids you’d have a lot going on.”
“Nope. They both married into big families with long-standing traditions. Mom and Dad don’t want to be part of that much stress, so we do a vacation and the family reunion instead.”
She couldn’t help glancing at his left hand. No ring. No tan line. Not even the slight indentation of a ring he used to wear. “They haven’t managed to marry you off yet?”
“Ah, no.”
“What? Is there a girlfriend I should know about?” Jo peered over her shoulder.
“No. Nothing like that.” He chuckled.
No wife. No girlfriend or kids. And no Christmas plans, from the sound of it.
The rest of the world was wrapped in a happy, festive bubble, and here they were.
“What about you? No, Mr. Walker?” Elias asked.
“Nope. Most guys don’t really know how to handle the knowledge I can kick their ass. Makes finding common ground tough.”
He nodded slowly.
How was he human? How could he be so... good? After everything he’d been through, all the bumps in the road she’d heard about, how was he still like this?
She sure as hell didn’t deserve him.
“My younger sister tried setting me up when I first went back to live with Mom and Dad after... Anyway, this girl wanted fix me.”
“Fix you?” Jo knew her eyes were wide.
He nodded again.
Trauma issues were more common in her circles than anyone wanted to admit. But no human could fix another, not with the inside stuff that wasn’t physical. That was arrogance on another level.
She tipped her chin up and stared into his eyes. “Well, I like you just as you are. So, don’t change, okay?”
“I don’t know about that...”
“I mean it.” She took a deep breath. If this job killed her, did she want any regrets? “I don’t know how much you knew about me when I joined you guys, but... The way you treated me, the way you accepted me... Things could have gone bad. Real bad. But, they didn’t. And I credit that to you.”
“Jo... You give me too much credit.”
“Shut up and take the compliment, okay?”
He smiled. “Yes, ma’am.”
“You should do that more often.”
“What?”
“Smile.”
Elias blinked and his lips parted.
“What? No one’s ever told you to smile more?” She snorted.