“Stop it,” I ordered myself.
Channing slid to a stop in front of me and looked up at me with his big brown puppy dog eyes, unsure of what he’d done wrong.
“Not you, handsome boy. Me.” I leaned down and kissed the top of his head before opening the back door.
As soon as I did, he bounded out to the grass, no memory of just a few seconds before when he’d thought I was mad at him.
Dogs lived in the moment. That was what I needed to do. For so much of my life, I’d spent days fantasizing about the future. I was always planning ahead. I had one, two, five, and ten-year goals.
My mom, who was semi-retired, and I ran the dance studio that she’d started when Molly and I were toddlers. None of my siblings had any interest in owning or operating Simply Dance, so it was mine to inherit. I’d always known that the business would be handed down to me, and I wanted to live up to the legacy that my mom had started.
I also wanted to have kids of my own to pass it on to. I’d been obsessed with that particular desire for longer than I cared to admit. I’d always wanted babies and a family.
The earliest memory I had was playing house. I’d probably logged thousands of hours doing it. My “babies” changed depending on what dolls I had, but my “husband” always stayed the same. That imaginary role had been filled when I was five years old by Holden Reed.
Part of my goal in dating was to recast it with a man that actually wanted the part. Or at least find an understudy. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to do so.
Not yet anyway, I heard the inner voice/eternal optimist (that sounded a lot like my mother) say in my head.
I rubbed my unfocused eyes as I started the coffee maker. Before I could grab my mug, I heard my text alert on my phone. A yawn claimed me as I lifted my phone and read it. It was from Maisy. I would say that it was early for a text from my friend, but unlike me, she was an early riser.
Maisy: Lunch. Spoon. Noon.
She probably wanted to go over wedding plans now that I was officially her MOH. I was excited that she and Bentley had finally gotten together, and they were both so happy. I’d never admit this out loud, but I’d been closer to Bentley than I even was to Molly.
My brother and I had always had a very special relationship. He’d even bought the adjoining unit of my duplex after I’d moved in. He’d said that he’d done it because he’d liked the layout of my condo, but I always believed the real reason was because he knew I’d been nervous to live on my own.
He’d lived next door to me until he’d moved in with Maisy. Now the unit was empty, and I had a feeling he hadn’t sold it or got a renter because he was worried about what sort of neighbors I’d have. He kept talking about putting a fence between our backyards, but as of now, it was just one open space.
Channing pawed the back door, telling me that he was ready to come inside. After letting him back in and feeding him, I poured myself a bowl of dry cereal, which in my opinion was the only way to eat it, and a steaming cup of java. As I lowered down in my kitchen nook to snack on my Cheerios and sip my coffee, my phone alerted me with a ding. I’d matched someone on the latest dating website I’d signed up for, Love at First Click. As much as I wished that I could deactivate my profile, I knew that would not be wise. If I wanted to find someone, this was the price I had to pay.
Pushing down the dread that started to rise up in me like bile, I opened the app and saw that I had forty matches to go through. As I sipped my coffee, I swiped through my potential soulmates and did my best not to compare each and every one of them to Holden Reed.
The problem with that was the more I tried to not compare them, the more I thought about him. And that was a subject my brain didn’t need any encouragement obsessing over. Last night certainly hadn’t helped me in that department. I had brand-new source material to pull from. My mind filled with visions of his soulful eyes, chiseled jaw, sculpted arms, and muscular chest.
And those were just his physical attributes, which were nothing compared to his wit, intelligence, ambition, tenacity, intensity, and passion.
His single-minded drive had always been so attractive to me. From the time we were little, he’d known what he wanted to do. Which was why, besides his physical trauma, I’d been so worried about how he was doing mentally and emotionally. The rodeo hadn’t just been his job, it had been his life. I couldn’t begin to imagine how he was processing the loss of it.
Not able to shake Holden from my head, I closed the dating app and pulled up Instagram. My thumb hovered over the arrow icon and I thought about sending him a message letting him know that I saw him last night and didn’t get a chance to say hi, but I’d love to catch up if he was still in town.
No! I couldn’t go down that rabbit hole again. I’d slid into his DMs several times over the years and his responses had always been short and impersonal.
I’d ask how he was doing, he’d reply, “Just fine, thank you.”
I’d congratulate him on a championship, he’d say, “Thanks so much. Appreciate it.”
Never once had he asked me how I was doing or what I was up to. It was clear, he did not feel the same way about me as I did about him. And as much as his fall had pulled at my heartstrings, I needed to face facts. He had a girlfriend. He had a family and friends who loved him. And he hadn’t reached out to me, so obviously he didn’t need or want my support.
The best thing I could do for myself was to move on with my life. If I was ever going to have a healthy relationship, I had to get over him once and for all.
I pulled the dating app back up and forced myself to ‘heart’ several guys whose profiles didn’t throw up any obvious red flags, letting them know that I matched with them. Then, I set my phone down and resolved not to let Holden’s return derail all the work I’d put in lately on myself, specifically my openness to meeting someone.
With a renewed sense of determination, I finished my coffee and went back upstairs to brush my teeth, pull my hair up, and get ready for my morning yoga practice which I decided I’d be doing in the buff for the first time. Today was a new day, I was going to break down barriers and open myself up to new opportunities.
What better way to do that than sans clothes in downward dog? This time my inner voice sounded a lot like Molly.
But I didn’t let the thought dissuade me. Instead of pulling on leggings and a sports bra, I undressed and slid on a robe. Every step I took down the stairs, I could feel my bare thighs rubbing together and my pulse sped up. By the time I made it to the back door, I was in full panic mode like I was walking the plank on a pirate ship, which made zero sense.
I didn’t have to do this.
No one was forcing me to.
I’d decided to do this completely of my own accord, because I wanted to spice up my life.
I could change my mind, go back upstairs, and get dressed. There would be no consequences.
But something was stopping me from doing that. I needed to rewire my brain, to break the habit loops I was in. Nervously, I bit the inside of my cheek.
“I can do this, right?” I asked Channing for assurance.
His response was to curl up in his large bed and flop down for his first nap of the day which he always took right after finishing breakfast. He was snoring seconds after his head hit the cushion.
“Thanks,” I said flatly.