“Honestly, Quinn,” I muttered to myself. “Don’t.”
I dried my hands and walked down the hall. I found myself bypassing the stairs and heading for the door to the deck. I slid open the door, and the chill winter breeze hit me almost immediately.
“Shit, it’s cold!”
Jonas glanced over from the hot tub. He was mostly submerged, but I could see his shoulders and upper chest. His lips quirked with humor. “That’s why I stay in the hot tub.”
But imagine when he had to get out. I shuddered at the thought of braving these temperatures while dripping wet.
“What’s up?” he asked. His gaze skimmed me. “Doesn’t look like you’re dressed for hot tubbing.”
“No, I…”
I faltered, hardly knowing why I was out here myself. But as a particularly hard shiver wracked my body and Jonas smiled at my craziness, I suddenly knew.
I couldn’t go to bed without making sure he was okay.
“Whoever that was who texted you…”
“Yeah?” Jonas sounded wary.
“Just…don’t let them in your head, okay? If you need to talk, I’m here.”
Jonas looked surprised. “I didn’t know you cared.”
I crossed my arms defensively. I realized I’d never made overtures of friendship when we’d lived together, but I wasn’t the same person I’d been back then. Jonas’s words stung, but what did I expect?
“Things change,” I said. “Goodnight.”
I turned to go in, eager for warmth. Behind me, Jonas called out. “Quinn, wait.”
I half-turned in the doorway. “Yeah?”
“Thank you. You’re right. I shouldn’t let those texts get to me. Not worth it.”
I nodded once. He added, “Besides, they got you to admit you care about me. Never thought I’d see the day.”
By his tone, I knew he was teasing. Using his Jonas-charm to make everything easy and playful again. I was beginning to realize he used it as a mask, or maybe even a shield. But I let him get away with it. For one thing, I was way too cold for a drawn-out discussion about what Jonas really felt.
“Don’t let it go to your head,” I said as I stepped inside.
“Too late!” he called out.
I shut the door on his words, smiling to myself. Jonas was grinning as I watched him through the glass door.
Now, I could go to bed.
JONAS
The hot tub was less relaxing than I’d hoped. Sitting out on the deck, snow flurries once again drifting down, though more slowly, while hot water steamed around me was an experience I never passed up. The view was beautiful at sunset, or by the full moon. Tonight, there was too much snow, but that offered its own magic as I gazed out on a sparkling landscape that looked like something out of a holiday greeting card.
Yet, every time my muscles began to unwind under the ministrations of the jets, Quinn surfaced in my mind, and my body tensed once more. Certain parts of my body tensed more than others. Goddamn, but he’d only gotten more tempting with time. Watching him eat was an exercise in self-restraint. The rapturous look on his face when he enjoyed something made me wonder how he might look while getting his first taste of me. But I was the hungry one, as my cock continued to remind me.
It was probably good he’d politely declined my offer to join me in the hot tub. If seeing him in loose sweats got me all bothered, I didn’t want to know what I’d do when faced with Quinn in swim trunks. I could just imagine water running over that pale, creamy skin. It used to remind me of thin paper, delicate and fragile, but now I could see he was stronger than that. He was more like ivory, smooth but strong.
I touched myself under the water, squeezing briefly to relieve the pressure before forcing my hand away. I wasn’t going to come in the family hot tub; I could control myself better than that. And I wasn’t going to jerk off to thoughts of Quinn, either. The guy had already rejected me once. I wasn’t going to be a creep who couldn’t accept no for an answer.
This week needed to be about moving on. Accepting that Quinn wasn’t for me. Because the longing for something I couldn’t have, the letters that I never mailed…Ollie was full of apologies and entreaties now, but he had been right to call it pathetic. Or if not pathetic, at least an unhealthy fixation on someone out of my reach.
My thoughts were enough to kill my boner, but without a beer to take the edge off my day, the hot tub quickly lost its appeal. I climbed out, shivering as I grabbed a towel and headed inside.
The living area and kitchen were dark and quiet. Quinn had gone to bed early. Too bad. Part of me wanted to flirt and tease him with my half naked body just to see the smile that brightened his stormy eyes and the flush of color in his cheeks. But the more he smiled, the more I’d want those smiles to be for me, instead of for him. And that wasn’t good for either of us.
I showered quickly in lukewarm water, not trusting myself to linger under a hot spray, and kept my mind carefully blank. Part of me wanted to give in to the urge to fantasize about Quinn, but I resisted. I’d been fantasizing about Quinn for six years. From the day I first saw him, I was attracted, and once I got to know him—what little of him he’d let anyone get to know, anyway—I only wanted to get closer.
He’d always kept a wall between himself and the world. I’d wanted to shatter that wall, hug him, wrap him in my warmth, and kiss a smile onto his face.
That never happened. When I did give in to the urge to kiss him, he’d been appalled.
No, my fantasies were one thing when we were miles apart and Quinn was just a memory. But now that we were here together, in the flesh, I had to face reality.
All this time, I’d been longing for something that didn’t exist. A rose-colored version of Quinn that lived in my head.
Being with other guys hadn’t banished my desire for the boy I remembered. Years apart hadn’t either. But maybe getting to know him again—the real him—would put an end to that childish crush.
Before climbing into bed, I pulled one of my notebooks from my laptop bag and a pen. It was time for a new kind of letter, one that would put my thoughts into words. Taking a deep breath, I placed the ballpoint against the paper and began writing.
Quinn,
You’re just as beautiful as I remembered. Your eyes are still troubled, but you smile more than you used to. You laugh at my jokes now, and I like that. But I also see that I hardly even know you. There’s more to your story that you’re keeping close, but that’s okay. You don’t owe me anything.
I might have saved you from a blizzard, but I’m not your hero. I’m not your boyfriend or your lover because you don’t want me to be.
I’m going to find a way to be okay with that too because maybe I can finally be your friend.
Jonas
Maybe Ollie had been right. Maybe I was pathetic to nurse a crush for so long. It certainly hadn’t been healthy. I’d known that even as I poured my heart onto the page when my memories for a sad but beautiful boy got to be too much.
But seeing the words I’d written tonight gave me peace. These words felt right, like a future I could live with.