He was quiet for a few moments, and Max waited, walking beside him quietly.
Jeremy said, “And obviously there are Catholics who accept their queer kids. What I’m saying is that…I didn’t see this coming. I don’t remember them saying negative stuff about gay people when I was growing up. I think I’d remember that.”
“Yeah.”
“So it was like… Before I told them, I was nervous. Hard not to be, you know?”
“Totally. My dad and stepmother are liberal, but it was still nerve-wracking. Luckily for me, they were great. My whole family was. Meg had told me not to worry, but I still did. Hopefully your folks will come around, right?”
“Yeah. It’s weird.” Jeremy breathed deeply, his breath clouding, snow catching in his ginger hair as flurries drifted down. They walked by dark, sleeping houses. “It’s not like they threw me out. They didn’t call me names or tell me they think I’m disgusting. They didn’t say they’re ashamed. They didn’t say much at all. That’s the problem—there’s just all this silence now. When we do talk, it’s awkward. We never mention anything about me being gay. We never acknowledge how weird everything is. That I can’t really talk to my brother. If they hate me, I wish they’d just say it. You know?”
“Right. Shit, I’m sorry.”
“I feel like they don’t know what to say, so they kinda…stopped talking.”
“That’s brutal.”
“Is it?” Jeremy’s face creased. “I feel like I shouldn’t be upset. Like I should be grateful they didn’t throw me out and cut me off. Some people get told horrible things. That must be worse.”
“That doesn’t mean the way your parents are treating you isn’t terrible.”
Shoulders sagging, Jeremy nodded. “I… Thank you. Thank you for saying that.”
“It’s the truth.” The words felt empty. Max wanted so badly to fix it. But all the fairy godfathering in the world couldn’t change how Jeremy’s parents were reacting.
“Lesson learned: Keep your expectations extremely low so you can’t be blindsided.” Jeremy’s shoulders were hunched, and the sadness in his voice had Max’s chest tightening.
“No,” Max said. “I mean, as much as that makes sense on one hand, I don’t want that for you. You deserve better than low expectations.”
Jeremy smiled faintly. “Thanks.”
They walked in silence. Max had so many more questions about Jeremy’s family and seriously—what the fuck was wrong with them? How could they be so cold to their son who was sweet and kind and funny and so scared?
He didn’t want to push. Instead he asked, “How do your new boots feel?”
“Good! Barely had to break them in.” Jeremy seemed relieved at the change of subject. “Thanks for the suggestion. I’d have felt even more awkward tonight without the new clothes.”
“You weren’t awkward.”
Jeremy shot him an incredulous look. “Dude, come on. I was there.”
Max laughed softly. “It wasn’t that bad. You just need to get out of your own way. It comes across like…” Okay, how was Max going to phrase this? He fiddled with the zipper on his coat. “Are you sure you really want to hook up with a guy?”
“What, you think I’m straight or something?” Jeremy’s face screwed up. “Trust me, I wouldn’t have come out to my parents if I didn’t like men.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I’m just being nosy and wondering if you’ve considered if you’re asexual or on that spectrum. Ace, demi, gray. There are variations.”
A car went by, the headlights glaring on Jeremy’s glasses for a moment, hiding his expression. “Why would you think that?”
“I’m just throwing it out there for consideration. Like, tonight when that dude was trying to get with you at the bar, you were leaning away from him and your arms were crossed.”
“Really? I didn’t realize.”
“Maybe you just weren’t into him, which is obviously fine. But I wondered if maybe the reason you’re so freaked out is that you don’t actually want this.”
Gloved hands in his coat pockets, Jeremy said, “I have actually considered that before, but I don’t think I’m asexual.”
“Okay. It’s cool if you are and cool if you aren’t.”
“I am attracted to men. In the bathroom tonight, there was this really hot guy at the urinal. I was thinking about how nice his shoulders were. Then he noticed.” Jeremy hunched even more as they passed a mailbox and stopped at a quiet intersection.
There were only a few vehicles around, the roads covered in the fresh snow. But it was cold enough that it hadn’t gotten slushy, which meant it wasn’t icy like it had been Friday. Friday seemed like so long ago somehow.
After Jeremy didn’t elaborate, Max asked quietly, “Was he an asshole or something?” If he had to go back to Buddies and deliver a beatdown, he would. Well, he’d want to. He hadn’t actually ever been in a fight, tackles notwithstanding.
“No, but his dick was out. There it was—like, right there. He nodded to one of the stalls, and all I had to do was follow him. He didn’t seem weird or anything. But I froze right up. I really want to have sex, but…”
“What?” Max honestly didn’t get it since he’d always found sex fun and exciting. Rarely stressful. He waited as they passed by a house decked out in blinking icicle lights. When Jeremy didn’t speak, Max said, “It’s okay.”
“I have so many fantasies, but when it’s real, I can’t do it. I… I don’t feel safe.”
The last confession was barely a whisper over the crunch of their boots. Max wanted to sling an arm over Jeremy’s shoulders like he had before, but he wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do now. Another thought occurred. “Did something happen in the past, or…?”
“No, nothing like that. No abuse or anything. I’m just a chicken.” Jeremy laughed sharply with a burst of white condensation in the air. “I’m a loser.”
“You are not. It’s normal to be nervous.”
“Yeah, but I’m not just nervous. I’m a disaster! I want to get laid so bad, but when a guy hits on me, I freeze up and want to hide. I shouldn’t get freaked out when a guy at a gay club wants to hook up in the bathroom.”
“Says who?”
“Like, the world? That old show they filmed here. Instagram. TikTok. YouTube. It feels like I’m supposed to want to be clubbing and screwing like it’s nothing. It’s not supposed to be such a big deal, and I’m terrified I’ll mess it up and get laughed at.”
Max said, “Well, a hookup’s not going to laugh at you unless he’s a total asshole.”
“That’s the thing—how do I know he’s not? That first guy tonight seemed cool, but I doubt he wants to court me like I’m a Victorian maiden until I decide he’s trustworthy.”
Laughing, Max bumped Jeremy’s shoulder. “It’s not like you have to fuck a dude right away. Go out a few times. See if you click. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”