But Sam rarely discussed the family rift with her. Sandrine hoped Sam’s parents would come round eventually. She knew Sam would jump at the chance to be reunited with them. But the more time passed, the less likely it seemed there would ever be any reconciliation. Not as long as Sam remained married to Sandrine.
Maybe that was partly why Sandrine had abandoned the idea of returning to work. She was close to her parents, although not as close geographically as she would have liked, and she desperately wanted her own family to be a loving one, too. The fact that Sam was no longer in touch with his parents because of her made Sandrine all the more determined to make her home a happy one. Sandrine was an only child, and she was glad Antoine and Maxime had each other.
To Sandrine, family was everything. And she would do anything for her sons. To make them happy, to protect them. Cook and clean for them, lie or even die for them. Anything at all.
Chapter 3
5 MONTHS AFTER
Laura
‘How did your appointment go?’ Declan asked, handing Laura a beer. She was sitting on the sofa, next to Declan’s partner Patrick, who had his feet up on the coffee table, a bowl of crisps on his lap and a bottle of beer in his hand.
It had been several months since that night and Laura still couldn’t tell her therapist everything. She couldn’t tell her cousin the whole truth either. ‘Put it this way. I enjoyed it more than lunch with my mum afterwards.’
‘I’ll bet. How is the old battle-axe?’
To say Declan wasn’t especially fond of Laura’s mum would be a massive understatement. Noreen was his father’s sister, the youngest of five children, and the only girl. She’d grown up used to getting her own way. Noreen had never warmed to Patrick, and so Declan had accused her of being homophobic. Laura didn’t think she was. It wasn’t personal. Her mother was objectionable and offensive towards pretty much everyone. But Declan had had a heated argument with his aunt, saying that having married a Protestant, Noreen of all people should show compassion towards couples that society ostracized. They’d never really patched things up, which made for an awkward atmosphere at family reunions.
‘Fine. Herself. You know.’
She was lucky to have Dec and Pat in her life. Declan was nine years older than her. He’d always been more like an older brother than a cousin, perhaps because like her, he was an only child. He had the same ginger hair and green eyes as she did and was the only person she knew who had more freckles than her. Pat was tall, dark and lanky, very different to Declan, but they had the same tastes in everything and nearly always agreed with each other. Laura had never heard a cross word between them.
‘So, your appointment?’
It had taken Laura a while before she felt able to talk to a complete stranger about what she was going through. To begin with, her GP had put her on small doses of beta-blockers to help reduce the symptoms linked to her anxiety – her frequent sweats and racing heartbeat. He’d suggested a prescription for light sleeping tablets or anti-depressants, although she could tell he wasn’t in favour of either. Laura had refused anyway. And finally he’d convinced her to go and see a therapist and referred her to Dr McBride, a psychologist who specialized in patient adjustment to anxiety and depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and major trauma.
‘It went well, I suppose. He said it’s perfectly normal – you know, after an experience like I had – to have difficulty falling asleep and flashbacks for several months. We did some breathing exercises. I think they might help calm me down if I get any more … panic attacks.’
Declan nodded. ‘Go on.’
‘According to Dr McBride – Robert – I shouldn’t repress my feelings …’ Laura had lost count of how many times she’d had to describe her feelings and at this point that’s what she’d had to do yet again – guilty, unmotivated, helpless, sick and, most of all, unworthy. ‘But I’m to continue to work on replacing the negative emotions and thoughts with positive ones.’
‘Sounds like it was beneficial,’ Pat said before taking another swig of his beer.
‘Uh-huh,’ Laura said, noncommittally.
She was still mortified that she was seeing a shrink in the first place. Her mother had always branded people with mental health problems as “weak” and “self-absorbed” and although Laura didn’t see eye to eye with her mother on this subject as on so many others, she didn’t want those labels applied to her.
‘So, when are you seeing your man again?’
‘I have another appointment. Same time next week.’
‘Baby steps,’ Declan said, putting his arm around her shoulders and giving her a squeeze. ‘You’ll get there.’
‘Hmm,’ Laura said.
Robert was gentle and had an easy-going, avuncular manner. Even though she felt more and more comfortable talking to him, she knew she wouldn’t make any headway until she could voice what had really happened that night. Each time she had to recount the events in detail, she omitted the worst part. She remembered it clearly, although she wished she didn’t. She’d replayed it in her mind hundreds of times, ashamed of how she’d reacted and wondering what she should have done. It was all too horrific to put into words, so she’d cut those few seconds out of the description she’d given her therapist and even Declan.
Pat brought Laura back to the present. ‘Chinese or Indian?’ he asked, sliding forward on the sofa to pull his mobile out of his back pocket.
‘I fancy a curry,’ Laura said.
‘Indian it is.’
‘Do you want another beer?’ Declan asked.
‘Better not. I’m driving.’
‘You’ll let us know if there’s anything we can do, won’t you? Pat and I are here for you.’
‘Thanks, Declan.’
They watched a romcom on Netflix while they ate dinner, plates balanced on their laps. Laura surprised herself by laughing at one point. The sound was foreign to her and she stopped abruptly, riven with guilt that she could laugh at all.
‘Are you going to eat that?’ Pat asked after a while.
‘What?’ She followed Pat’s gaze and realized she’d barely touched her meal. ‘Oh. No. I’m full.’
Pat took the plate from Laura’s lap and proceeded to load large forkfuls of tikka masala into his mouth.
‘He has that much appetite he needs two gubs, so he does,’ Declan whispered to Laura.
‘Hey! I heard that.’
Laura was tired and couldn’t concentrate on the film, even though the plot didn’t seem particularly complicated. She was glad of the company, though, and enjoyed Dec and Pat’s banter.
When the end credits started to roll, Declan walked her out to her car. ‘Safe home,’ he said.
Laura yawned all the way home. Perhaps she would nod off no problem for once. She felt more relaxed than she had for a while. Today had been one of her better days.
Harry weaved a figure of eight around her legs as she cleaned her teeth, then he followed her into the bedroom, taking up his usual night-time position on her pillow as she got ready for bed. As she pulled up her pyjama trousers and they promptly slipped down to her hips, she realized how loose they’d become.