I shrugged and took another bite.
“Just an idea. And you’re the best teacher in the world, so I’m sure Emerson would appreciate it. Good tutors are really expensive, and Emerson shouldn’t spend her money on that, not when she’s dating one of the most brilliant people in the world.”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what?” she asked.
“I just… I’m a little nervous to meet her.”
“I’m sure she’s lovely, Derek.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about. I took Emerson home on Friday, and her mother came into the hallway…not a big fan of me.”
Both of her eyebrows rose, immediately in protective mama bear mode. “What did she say to you?”
“That if I were a real man, I would meet Lizzie. I know she’s just being protective of Emerson. I get it.”
“Then it sounds like they want you to take that next step.”
“And it also reminds me how delicate the situation is.” I set down my sandwich on the wrapper and stared at the table for a moment. “Emerson is really dedicated to her daughter, which I admire because she doesn’t abandon her to spend more time with me…even though she wants to sometimes. She knows I’m frustrated that I don’t see her more, that she doesn’t sleep over, that I have to rearrange my schedule just to take her out. But she still doesn’t cut corners when it came to being a mother, which is important to me because my own mother took off with some guy and couldn’t have cared less about me…”
Her eyes fell like that really hurt.
“So, I admire her for prioritizing her daughter over me, even if I don’t like it as her boyfriend. And I also just…” I released a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to get involved with Lizzie because I know how shitty it is to watch someone leave. So if I become part of her life, I won’t be able to leave again. It’s a solid commitment. On top of that, I don’t know shit about kids, don’t really like them, so it’s just a lot of pressure on me.”
My mom was quiet for a long time, digesting what I said. “I think you’re taking it too seriously, Derek. I understand you think of everything literally, but if we approached everything that way, we would never do anything. We’d always talk ourselves out of it. Loving you like my own was no effort at all, and I was the same as you are now, knowing absolutely nothing about kids. It just happened naturally.”
“But you and I are different people, Mom. You’re…caring and loving.”
She smiled, her eyes soft. “The fact that you care so much about doing right by this girl shows you’re just as caring and loving.”
Emerson set the bag of dinner on the counter and took a seat with me at the table since the guys were done for the day. “I faxed over all that paperwork to NASA, made copies of everything and filed it in your cabinet, and finished all your emails.” She pulled out her sandwich and unwrapped it. “Now, I get to eat. Yum.”
I watched her, distracted from my work now that she was there, being cute.
She took a few more bites then turned her gaze on me, noticing my stare. “Never seen a woman eat before?”
“Just never seen one look so cute while eating.”
Her eyes filled with a touched glint as she chewed her bite. “I know you’re probably tired because it’s been a long day, but I thought we could prepare for Saturday when we get to your penthouse.”
It was nice when we worked after hours, so I could spend time with her privately. It wasn’t going out to dinner or spending time watching TV together, but it was still something, and she didn’t feel guilty about being away from her daughter because it was work-related. “That’s fine.” I set my things aside then grabbed my food.
We ate together in silence, just the two of us in the lab.
“I told my mom about the book signing.”
“Yeah?” she asked. “Wow, beat me to the punch.”
“I thought it should come from me if she was going to find out anyway.”
“Good. Trust me, that made her really happy. How is she?”
“Good. We got lunch on Sunday.”
“Not your dad?”
“He was doing patient care at the hospital.”
She nodded in understanding before she took a bite.
“So, I was thinking…” I was hungry, but I suddenly lost my appetite and put down the sandwich. “Maybe I could help Lizzie with her homework…if you’re comfortable with that.”
She literally dropped her sandwich, and it fell to the floor with a noticeable splat because of the mayo and mustard on the bread.
I stilled at her reaction. “It was a stupid thing to ask. Just forget—”
“No, no, no, it’s not stupid.” She bent down to pick up the sandwich and set it back on the wrapper. The sandwich was destroyed and inedible at this point. “I’m just surprised you would offer, is all.”
I set half my sandwich in front of her.
Her eyes softened at the gesture as she brought it closer. “I think that would be great…if you’re ready for that.”
“I told my mom I wasn’t, but you know how she is.”
“Yes, she’s pretty persuasive. But Derek, if you don’t want to do it, there’s no pressure. Don’t think about what my mom said.”
“The idea of going out to dinner or something and having to talk to her…sounds like too much. But teaching her how to do math and science, that doesn’t sound too bad. And I told my mom I didn’t want to get involved because I could never get involved and then leave…because my own mother left. But she said I was thinking about it too deeply. If I continue to think about it that way, I’ll never do it. Nobody would. No one knows what’s going to happen in life, and if I continue to think about things in absolute certainties, it’s unrealistic.”
She nodded in agreement. “True.”
“So, I’m just tutoring her. That’s it.”
“I think that’s a good start.”
“You’re comfortable with that?” She was comfortable exposing her daughter to me when I considered it just to be tutoring sessions, just dipping my toes in the water to check the temperature.
“I think it’s a great idea. You’re introducing yourself as her teacher, not as her mother’s boyfriend, a potential stepfather. That’s all it is. No expectations. I can drop her off at your penthouse, and you can just work together. And then I’ll pick her up. You don’t need to come to our apartment.”
I studied her face to make sure she was being genuine. “I’m nervous…”
She nodded. “It’s okay to be nervous.”
“I usually know what I’m doing in any given situation, but I have no idea what I’m doing now.”
“You’re just tutoring her, Derek. That’s it. And you know how to tutor someone. So that’s not true.”
I gave a nod.
She moved her hand across the table and placed it on mine, her fingers giving me a light squeeze.
I stared at our joined fingers and felt less scared, less terrified.