Conor is sitting on the sofa. I wish he’d go back to his office and leave me on my own with the nurse now. I don’t want him listening to every word. He doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of everything my body is going through. What to do with the leaking boobs. How to make it less painful to go to the toilet. This is nothing to do with him, so I casually suggest he go back to the office if he has things to do.
‘I can take it from here.’ I say.
Conor takes the hint and leaves.
When all the regular stuff is covered by the nurse, she picks up her folder and stands.
‘Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?’
‘Er…’
‘Anything at all, Laura?’
‘Well, there is something.’
Elaine sits back down. ‘Go ahead.’
I don’t know whether to say what I want to. If she thinks I’m going mad she’ll be knocking down that door every day. But I need to know. I have to ask her.
‘The drugs they use…’
‘The drugs they use where?’ she says, shifting forward in her chair.
‘When someone is giving birth to their baby, the painkillers, the gas… all that stuff.’
‘What about it?’
I take a deep breath before looking her in the eye.
‘Can they make you hallucinate?’
Elaine moves her back into the chair and straightens her neck. ‘Can they make you hallucinate?’
‘Yes, like say… a day later.’
Her eyes have changed expression. Elaine does think I’m mad.
‘Are you having hallucinations, Laura?’
Looking away from her gaze, I consider what to say next. I’m sorry I opened my mouth, now that I’ve seen her expression. I’d better play this down. I don’t want her thinking I’m going mad, or have postnatal depression or something. Christ, what if she thinks I’m unstable? That Shay isn’t safe in my care?
‘No… I don’t think so. I just need to know if the drugs can do that,’ I say, trying to sound nonchalant.
Shaking her head, Elaine sighs. ‘Well I’ve never heard of that happening and no one’s ever asked me that before.’ Her hand is now on my knee. ‘People forget things alright but that’s the exhaustion. Seeing things—’ She stops short. ‘Laura, I’ll check it out for you, but I’m almost certain the answer will be no. I can’t imagine we’d be giving mothers drugs that would make them hallucinate. Do you know what drugs you were given?’
‘No, but…’ I point at the file leaning against her bag. ‘Won’t it be written in there somewhere?’
‘Actually, I don’t have your correct file yet. The internet is very poor in the clinic and it didn’t arrive in time.’ She nods at the folder. ‘That’s just a few notes I’ve taken… When your details arrive, I’ll update them and check out what drugs you were given. Meanwhile, if you think you’re having hallucinations, Laura, call the doctor. Don’t suffer in silence. Us women are great at that, thinking we can handle everything on our own. Don’t do that to yourself, get help.’
Shit. Now I’ve opened a can of worms. She’ll probably put it in the file that I was hallucinating. I’d better fix this.
‘It’s no big deal, Elaine. I was just wondering because I lost something that I thought I had and I guess the tiredness just made me a bit paranoid. Forget about it.’
Shay whimpers. Picking him up, I cradle him close to me and walk Elaine to the door. Conor comes out of the office to say goodbye.
‘I’ll be back in a few days but if you need me in the meantime, just call,’ she says, giving me a secret wink so Conor can’t see. If that’s supposed to make me feel better about asking her the question, it doesn’t. In fact, it makes me anxious. What have I started? What if she goes poking around and… what if they take Shay from me?
Chapter Eight
There is only one star tonight. One bright star shining down on me as I lie staring at the sky and all its questions. Apparently my father is up there. I don’t remember him. I was very young when he died. Mam showed us some photos of him in a dark overcoat crossing the bridge on O’Connell Street. He had a lovely smile and dark curly hair. Mam said that’s where I got my dark curly hair and green eyes from. Amanda’s hair is fair, just like mam’s.
I remember my mam having a fit when Amanda wanted highlights in her hair for her confirmation day. Amanda insisted she was old enough but mam didn’t give in. She was strong like that. She had to be, raising the two of us on her own. It’s not like she had a sister of her own to help. Mam was an only child. She told us that when dad died, his family were great for the first few years, always calling to the house, making sure she was okay, that we were okay. But over the years that fizzled out until we only saw them at Christmas. Mam never complained about it. She said they had their own lives and worries to contend with.
* * *
The room is warm. By my side, Conor sleeps with his legs out over the duvet. He doesn’t snore. Not even after a few pints in the club – which he only ever goes for after a match. I’ve only known him a little over a year and so far he’s perfect. Just perfect. If he knew how imperfect I was would I be lying here now?
Amanda was in a restaurant with some clients when I called her earlier so I didn’t tell her about the card. That conversation is going to need her full concentration. I asked her to ring me tomorrow when she had time to talk.
The clock at my bedside says it’s two fifteen. Shay will wake soon and this time I’ll be ready. I’ll take him to the armchair, cuddle him close and feed him before he wakes his daddy. Conor deserves a decent sleep. He’s done almost everything so far: the cooking, the shopping, the midnight feed, the nappy changes – which I now feel safe leaving him to do on his own. He’s also kept my spirits high, smiling and laughing, constantly talking about Shay and how lucky he is to have us both.
There is a lot of fear floating on the surface of my thoughts tonight. Have I misled this man? Should I have told him? Yes, and yes. But I was scared of how he’d react. Afraid he would leave me and then I’d be stuck in that stupid apartment, with a new tenant in the spare room every year, going nowhere with a broken heart.
I loved him when we met. I still love him and, as Amanda pointed out, I deserved a break. A new start. Some happiness for a change.
The smallest gurgle ripples from the corner of the room. Shay is stirring. Pulling my feet from under the duvet, I stretch my arms in the air, then walk quietly over to the cot.
‘Hello, baby,’ I whisper. He’s staring up at me, wriggling below the soft white blanket that one of Maggie’s friends knitted for us. I’m very grateful for all the gifts that we’ve been given. The surprise baby shower that Amanda arranged brought more than enough clothes, blankets and bottles to keep us going. I was amazed by everyone’s kindness. Not so much for the stuff, more that they had come to the party. For a while, I felt accepted into their circle.
The party went on for hours, everyone playing silly games and everyone except me drinking prosecco. I didn’t drink of course, though I would have loved a glass before everyone arrived to calm my nerves. There were almost thirty people here. I’d never met some of them before but they knew Conor. Amanda had contacted Olive to invite everyone she thought might like to come. Amanda said Olive was very obliging and seemed happy to help. Which makes me wonder about her motives. Why was she so helpful? It should have been painful for Olive, considering she probably presumed she’d be the one with the bump. After dating Conor for five years she had to have felt hard done by when he dumped her to go out with me. And yet, she still works for him. His right hand apparently when it comes to the business. Going into the office and seeing him everyday must have been hard after the breakup. But she did it. Still does it. I hope she hasn’t been biding her time waiting for her opportunity to exact revenge. Could Olive have sent the card? When I first heard Conor’s ex worked so close to him, I wasn’t happy about it but Conor assured me what they had wasn’t love. He realized that when he met me. Olive is more like a sister to him now. I wonder if she feels the same way?