‘Nope.’ He’s still young, but I’m surprised by his determined reply; he seems so happy with Gemma, so focused on her.
‘Why not?’
‘Dunno, I’ve never really thought about it. And Gemma’s never asked me.’ He shrugs.
‘Yeah, she’s just using you for your body, I reckon.’
‘Let’s hope so, eh?’ he says absently, as he sorts through his post.
I log onto my computer. ‘I was like you once, but as you get older, your perspective changes. I used to think marriage was patriarchal, archaic and all that – but now I think I really could see myself in white lace.’ I don’t mention that in my mind’s eye I’m standing next to Alex, who I only met in the flesh a few nights ago.
Harry looks up. ‘Slight flaw in your plan though – you need to find a groom to match the dress.’
‘Yes, there is that minor point. But the latest contender is looking pretty promising.’ I smile.
‘Oh, really?’ I can see he’s not that interested. I wish Sameera were here, she’s getting married in the New Year and loves talking weddings.
‘Yeah. I like him,’ I say, understating my feelings. ‘It’s early days – we’ve only had two dates – but I’m… hopeful.’
‘I thought you said after whatshisname you weren’t going out with anyone again,’ Harry says, his eyes drifting back to his computer screen, bored of the conversation already.
‘I did, but never say never.’ I pick up the croissant he gave me and change the subject. ‘Thank you, but you mustn’t keep giving these to me, Harry, I’ll get fat.’ Really, it’s a godsend – I never have time for breakfast before I leave, and who knows when I’ll get lunch today.
He smiles and starts typing, apparently our rather one-sided wedding chat now over.
I take a bite of croissant and make a mental note to buy him something in return for all the sweet treats he keeps bringing us all. I check my phone. Alex has texted me back about tonight.
That’s a shame :( but no worries, you enjoy the cinema. I had been thinking I might cook you dinner tonight. I need to make it up to you for me being late on date 2. So how about dinner at mine tomorrow night – if you’d like?
I text him back straight away.
Yes. Thanks, sounds great. I’ll look forward to it. X
This time his reply is instant.
Me too! X
I feel good. I’ve managed the situation and kept everyone happy, which, for an inherent pleaser like me, is all that’s required. Alex is proving to be as perfect as I thought by taking it in his stride, and also confirmed a third date, and he’s cooking. He’s doing everything right.
Later, as Jas and I enjoy the cinema, I realise that I can juggle my slightly needy but well-meaning friend with my new boyfriend, I just have to be sensitive, and not go on about him. We both lust after Ryan Reynolds instead.
‘God, what I would give for fifteen minutes with him,’ Jas says as we leave the cinema and walk to the wine bar for a last drink.
‘Yeah, me too,’ I echo, not really feeling it. What I really think is that I’d rather spend fifteen minutes with Alex, which I know sounds crazy.
‘I loved it, but I felt like the mother in that movie was totally one-dimensional,’ she adds.
I agree, and we sit down with our drinks and talk about the representation of mothers in the media.
‘Mothers get a bad press,’ I say.
‘Yeah, but they’re not all Madonnas.’ She sighs. ‘Look at our mothers.’
‘I find it hard to deal with my mother and my past.’ I sigh. ‘I’d rather think about the future, it helps me overcome the past.’
‘Good luck trying to overcome my past. It’s what shapes us, Hannah, and it doesn’t matter how positive we all try to be – our past is who we are.’
‘Yeah but our lives aren’t pre-destined. Just because my mum was an addict doesn’t mean I am, I’ve fought tooth and nail to have a different life.’
‘Mmm, sadly my life’s a cookie cutter of my mother’s. That guy I’ve been seeing, Richard?’
‘Yes,’ I say.
‘I was right, he’s shagging someone else.’
‘Oh, Jas, that’s crap. Do you know that for sure?’
‘Yes.’ She looks down. ‘I know we were casual, but I thought we were heading somewhere.’
‘Yes, but either way, it was a conversation he should have had with you,’ I say, feeling protective of her. On the surface she seems so strong, always looking out for everyone else, fiercely guarding her friends – yet she’s so vulnerable herself.
‘Exactly. Anyway, I confronted him last night, told him I’d seen some texts on his phone. Hannah, the thing that hurts most isn’t the betrayal. It’s the fact he’d clearly wanted me to see them. And after he’d “confessed”, he said he felt so much better.’
I shake my head. ‘Sorry. I didn’t know you’d actually found proof – texts.’
‘You’ve been busy,’ she says pointedly.
‘Not too busy for you,’ I say, feeling guilty now.
She shrugs and takes a large glug of her drink.
‘I didn’t realise you were exclusive…’ I pause.
‘What do you mean?’ She quickly turns to look at me. ‘It wasn’t that regular, but… it still bloody hurts.’ The flash of anger in her eyes surprises me. It isn’t like her to be snappy, she must be upset.
‘I’m not saying you’re not hurting,’ I add quickly, putting my hand on hers. ‘I just think sometimes you push people away until they go, and then you’re surprised. But it doesn’t sound like he was someone you’d want to stick around anyway,’ I say, back-tracking slightly to spare her feelings. ‘I mean, you said yourself it sometimes felt like a booty call… for both of you,’ I say clumsily, and want to bite my tongue as the words tumble onto the table.
She glares at me. ‘Wow.’
‘I’m sorry that came out all wrong, I was trying to console you, make you feel like you hadn’t actually lost anything but…’
‘But instead you managed to trivialise my relationship and my feelings in one sentence. Nice one, Hannah.’ She takes another large, angry glug of wine.
‘I didn’t mean—’
‘You know what I think?’ she interrupts.
I’m not sure I want to hear this.
‘You’ve had two good dates and suddenly you think you’re the authority on what constitutes a relationship.’ She throws the rest of her wine down her throat and orders two more.
‘I’m not. And I really wasn’t trivialising—’
She lifts up her hand in a ‘stop’ gesture, and I go back to my drink, knowing when she’s like this it’s best to stop apologising, because I’ll only dig a deeper hole. Jas’s calm work persona is quite different from her personal one, where a rather fiery undercurrent sometimes flares up when she’s hurt, or angry.
I realise how I must sound to Jas’s cynical ears, and I don’t blame her for being angry, she probably thinks I’m being a smug know-all. Which I’m not, but I change the subject anyway, and we talk again about the film.