“Died?”
“Yes. What if he had died?”
“You would feel responsible?”
“Of course.”
“Did you push McGaven to make the decision he did?” Her voice was calm and therapeutic.
The doctor’s calmness made Katie angry. She had no right to question how she had felt during the shooting incident. McGaven chose to follow Katie into a trap she had set up to draw out a killer. It had been his choice, but he had helped to save her life too.
“Katie, you know that you’re only responsible for yourself and not for the decisions that McGaven or others make.”
“Yes…” Katie pinched back tears. “But I’m involved. It’s what partners do. They have your back. I made an impulsive decision because I didn’t want anyone else to suffer the consequences…”
“You can’t carry the burden for everyone else… otherwise, there’s a breaking point. You can’t carry that. You have to give yourself permission to take care of yourself. To grieve when necessary. To give yourself a break.”
“You don’t understand. If the roles and situation were switched, I would have done the same thing for McGaven—without hesitation. And that’s… and that’s why it hurts so much. I’ve lost too many friends and family.” She leaned back and let tears roll down her cheeks. Grabbing a Kleenex from the table, she dabbed her eyes.
Cisco, feeling her change in energy, sat up and pushed even closer to her. He nuzzled the side of her face.
“Take a deep breath, Katie,” Dr. Carver said, never breaking from her calm and even tone.
“I’m sorry.” Katie was fighting to keep her emotions in check. “So, yes to your question. I feel responsible for McGaven being shot. I feel responsible for him being in that situation in the first place. I knew that he would be fine, but it dredged up so many situations. Such vivid recollections from the battlefield—like I’m still there. I saw death. I saw suffering. Too many times I was the last person a dying soldier saw before they passed. I cannot stop this endless loop of people I care for… dying…”
“You know that McGaven is fine. He’s alive. He’s well and he’s still your partner?”
It amazed Katie how unfazed Dr. Carver was by her outburst. The muscles in her face didn’t twitch. “Of course.”
“You must take one thing at a time—right?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not about your partner—that’s not why you came to see me—but it’s a good place to start. You work together. He’s your friend. Enjoy that. Let the heaviness of “what if” or “what might” because of previous experiences go. It will take time. Write down every uncomfortable thought you have—it will be helpful for you to read and look back on.”
“I know what you’re telling me is correct, but it doesn’t feel that way,” said Katie, feeling suddenly exhausted and wanting the day to be over.
“That’s okay,” she said. “Let the feelings come, and we can address them together, and then finally let them go. You will begin to feel better—I promise.”
“You make it sound easy.” Katie nervously laughed. “One, two, and three…”
“It isn’t,” the doctor said flatly. “But, I know you’re strong and I know you’ll get through this and move forward with a healthy attitude.”
Katie nodded. She knew that the doctor was using a recent situation as a gateway into the more deep-rooted and traumatic experiences that truly haunted her. Start small and then move to the bigger obstacles. She’d do the same in Dr. Carver’s position.
Let the feelings come…
Move forward with a healthy attitude…
Eight
Tuesday 0730 hours
Katie and McGaven sat alone in the patrol briefing room waiting for Sheriff Scott to make an appearance. They had been summoned early to meet with him. The room was set up like a classroom with chairs and desks in neat rows in front of a podium, computer screen and large blackboard. The soft buzz of the overhead fluorescent lights was the only thing keeping them company. It cast a yellowish hue, making everything seem ugly.
It was unusual to meet in the large room instead of in the sheriff’s personal office. Katie tried to figure out what her uncle had in mind. It obviously had to do with the Candace Harlan cold case and the fact that the latest homicide victim wasn’t her. She tapped her foot trying to combat the anxious energy charging through her and pushed away any early signs of her silent enemy.
She glanced to McGaven. He sat at attention, spine straight, with his eyes forward; always ready and waiting for whatever came next. Katie was about to say something to him, but decided to stay quiet.
The main door opened and Sheriff Scott seemed to hesitate before entering the room. Katie heard low voices in the corridor. Finally, the sheriff opened the door wide and was followed by a tall, striking blonde woman, in her forties, wearing a dark suit. Next came Detective Hamilton, John Blackburn from forensics, Lieutenant Commander Reyes, Lieutenant Sanders from the detective division, and the head of internal affairs. It was quite the ensemble.
Katie felt her pulse kick up another gear as the group filed in and took their places near the podium—this wasn’t going to be pleasant.
The door opened again and several deputies and a few other detectives filed in quietly and took available seats in the audience around Katie and McGaven.
The tension was palpable as Sheriff Scott moved behind the podium to begin. Katie noted that her uncle looked strong. His tanned face, chiseled features, and greyish cropped hair made him handsome, but his demeanor today really made the crowd sit up and pay attention. It had taken him a while to move through the grieving process after his wife’s murder, but it made Katie happy to see that he was beginning to thrive once again as the department’s respected leader.
“Thank you, everyone, for coming. I’m sorry it was last minute, but rather than leaving messages, I wanted to do this in person. This department has been through a lot of changes as well as challenges of late. I wanted to talk to you in person to thank you all for the overwhelming support I have received during my most difficult time…”
Katie watched intently as her uncle addressed the room. Her arms tingled, a sign of a big change coming.
“And for that I want to thank you—each of you,” he said. He then turned and gestured to the woman in the suit standing closest to him. “This is Dorothy Sullivan, our new undersheriff. She will be taking the place of Samuel Martinez, who has recently resigned.”
Katie watched Sullivan with curiosity. Expensive outfit, perfect coifed blonde hair, three-inch heels, studded stone earrings, and a diamond ring worn on her right hand. She looked professional, but Katie had a difficult time imagining her doing the rounds in a police officer’s uniform or engaging in a shootout.
The sheriff continued, “She comes to us from the Fresno Police Department with an amazing resumé where she implemented new patrol and detective protocols to help ensure safety for our officers while increasing patrol for the neighborhoods. Her background in police and community proactive safety and Neighborhood Watch has been receiving positive results in many other jurisdictions as well. She’s been a patrol officer, homicide detective, and SWAT officer. She will oversee some of the patrol and detective operations here.” He moved out of the way and allowed Sullivan to approach the podium to say a few words.