Oh, there were so many things, stretching back as far as childhood. She regretted not inviting Marty Jasper to her fifth-grade birthday party; Marty was an odd kid, not always nice, and everyone avoided her. They weren’t friends, but Selena should have invited her to be kind. She regretted losing her virginity on a dare, then losing her best friend because of it. There were some one-night stands in college that were risky, almost dangerous. She had regrets (lots) about her ex-boyfriend Will, the one everyone thought she would marry. She should have tried harder to breastfeed; now her kids were finicky eaters because of that probably. Or maybe not. Who knew? There were other things. She could fill a book with her lists of regrets.
“I’m sleeping with my boss,” said the other woman.
“Oh,” said Selena, surprised but somehow not. “That one.”
Just last year her good friend Leona had slept with her boss—both of them married; what a mess.
“If I break up with him,” the other woman went on, “I think it could get very ugly. He wants to leave his wife for me.”
“Oh,” said Selena, leaning in. She felt a kind of salacious glee, a delightful escape from her own drama.
“His wife owns the company,” she said. “Where we both work.”
“Hmm,” said Selena, nodding. She wasn’t sure what else to say. It happened sometimes, didn’t it? You just needed to confess? It was all too much to hold in; you couldn’t tell the people closest to you for a million reasons. That’s why people spilled their guts to the bartender, the hairdresser, right?
Sometimes a stranger was the safest place in your life.
The other woman turned to look at her in the dim of the broken-down car. She lifted a hand to her mouth, her eyes going wide.
“I’m sorry!” she said. “Why did I just tell you that?”
“Obviously,” said Selena, feeling motherly and knowing, “you needed to talk.”
Selena knew how that felt. She hadn’t told a single soul about Graham. Not her mother, not her sister, not Beth. It was a stone in her gut, an acidic ache in her throat. What a relief it would be to release it. But how could she tell anyone? Her marriage—Graham and Selena—it was the fairy tale, the love-at-first-sight, happily-ever-after. It was the envy of—everyone. Now, they were just like everyone else—pitifully flawed, broken—possibly beyond repair.
The train sat, and Selena felt the crush of despair, the dark outside deepening, the stillness of the train expanding.
“I’m Martha,” said the other woman, offering her hand.
“Selena,” she said, taking it. Martha’s hand was cool, delicate, but her grip firm.
Martha started rifling through her bag, retrieving two minibar-sized bottles of vodka. She handed one to Selena, who took it with a smile. It reminded her of her best friend and boss, Beth, who hoarded mini-bottles of everything—booze, shampoo, moisturizer, hand sanitizer, mouthwash. She’d load up at hotels, stashing the take in her suitcase, her tote. Chances were if you needed anything, needle and thread, a comb, mouthwash, lotion, Beth had it somewhere in the giant bag she hauled with her everywhere.
Martha cracked open the tiny bottle and, after a moment of hesitation, Selena did the same.
“To making a shitty day a little better,” said Martha. They clinked bottles, Selena looking out for a conductor. You weren’t supposed to drink on the train, were you? She felt the little tingle of glee she always felt when she was breaking a rule.
“Cheers,” she said.
The vodka was warm, a slick down her throat, heat on her cheeks. Another sip and she felt a welcome lightness. The train stayed still and dark. Some of the other passengers were talking quietly on their phones. The man across from them was sleeping, his head resting on his rolled-up jacket.
Selena felt her phone ring in her pocket and fished it out. FaceTime.
“I have to get this,” she said. Martha nodded, reached for the bottle, and Selena handed it to her to hold.
She answered the call to see her boys crowding to get both their faces on the screen. She lowered the volume, rose and walked to the space between the bathrooms.
“Mom,” said Oliver. “Where are you?”
“I’m stuck on the train, buddy,” she said, voice low. “So sorry. Did you guys read a story?”
“Dad read The Boy with Too Many Toys,” he said.
“Again,” chimed in Stephen.
Graham was not the preferred story time parent. He didn’t read with the requisite enthusiasm, only read one book, which he chose, no negotiation. Whereas Selena was in there for an hour, letting each boy pick a book, then often lying on the floor a while as they drifted off. Sometimes she fell asleep in there, too, and Graham had to retrieve her.
“I’ll come in and give you guys a kiss as soon as I get home,” she said. “I hope it won’t be much longer.”
She looked around again for a sign of the conductor, or someone to ask. But there was no one. What was the fucking hold up?
Stephen, blond, two front teeth missing, started talking about how a boy in school cut his own bangs with scissors and had to go home he was crying so hard. Oliver hadn’t liked his snack, and could he have raisins tomorrow. Finally, Graham cut in.
“Okay, guys,” he said. “Time for bed.”
He took the phone as the boys protested, then yelled in unison: “Love you, Mom!”
“Love you, boys!” she said. “Be home soon.”
“What about me?” said Graham. Now it was his face on the phone. Dark eyes, stubble, his crooked nose (broken in a football game, never healed quite right), hair tousled. That smile, devilish, rakish. “Do you love me?”
“I do,” she said, trying to sound light. “You know I do.”
She tried to block out the image of Geneva on top of him, but it came unbidden. It was, in fact, on an ugly loop in her brain, a television on in another room, a song she heard through the wall. There was an unpleasant squeeze on her heart. He must have seen it on her face.
He frowned. “What is it?”
“I should go,” she said.
“Okay,” he answered, rubbing his eyes, then looking back at her. “Keep me posted.”
He was oblivious, no idea what she’d witnessed. And what was more, if she hadn’t seen it, there was nothing in his demeanor that would suggest anything off. He was exactly as he always was—tone, expression, body language. What did that mean? That it was nothing to him; that he’d forgotten all about it? Or that he was such an accomplished liar and cheater that he was able to bury any feeling of guilt or regret. For a moment, on the screen, he looked like a stranger.