Rick yelled, “Go, Delgado!”
Dee obviously saw the looming shadows of three giant girls behind her. There was no one to pass to. She blindly heaved the ball toward the basket, only to watch it bounce off the backboard and drop into the empty bleachers on the other side of the gym.
Lydia felt Rick’s pinky finger stroke her pinky finger.
He asked, “How did she get so amazing?”
“Wheaties.” Lydia could barely get the word out. Her heart always swelled when she saw how much Rick loved her daughter. She could forgive the ponytail for that alone. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch lately.” She amended, “I mean, for the last decade.”
“I’m sure you were bitchy before that.”
“I was a lot more fun.”
He raised his eyebrow. They had met at a Twelve Step meeting thirteen years ago. Neither one of them had been a lot of fun.
“I was thinner,” she tried.
“Sure, that’s what matters.” Rick kept his eyes on the game. “What’s gotten into you, babe? Every time I open my mouth lately, you howl like a scalded dog.”
“Aren’t you glad we’re not living together?”
“We gonna have that fight again?”
She almost started to. The words, “but why do we need to live together when we live right next door to each other?” were right on the tip of her tongue.
The effort didn’t go unnoticed. “Nice to see you can keep your mouth shut when you really want to.” He whistled as Dee tried for three points. The ball missed, but he still gave her a thumbs-up when she glanced his way.
Lydia was tempted to tell him that Dee wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about his approval if they lived together, but decided to save it for the next time they were yelling at each other.
Rick sighed as the opposing team got the ball. “Oh Lord, here we go.”
The dinner-plate girl was blocking Dee. She didn’t even have the decency to raise her arms.
Rick sat back against the bleachers. His boots rested on the seat in front of him. There were oil stains on the cracked brown leather. His jeans had grease spots. He smelled faintly of engine exhaust. He had kind eyes. He loved her daughter. He loved animals. Even squirrels. He had read every book Danielle Steele had ever written because he got hooked in rehab. He didn’t mind that most of Lydia’s clothes were covered in dog hair or that her only regret about their sex life was that she couldn’t do it wearing a burqa.
She asked, “What do I need to do?”
“Tell me what’s going on in that crazy head of yours.”
“I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.”
He thought it over for a moment. “All right. Just don’t mess up my face.”
Lydia stared at the scoreboard. 10–0. She blinked. 12–0. “I just …” She didn’t know how to say what she needed to say. “It’s just history coming back on me.”
“That sounds like a country music song.” He looked her in the eye. “Anna Kilpatrick.”
Lydia chewed her lip. He wasn’t asking a question. He was giving an answer. He’d seen all the clippings she’d kept on Anna Kilpatrick’s disappearance, the way Lydia’s eyes filled with tears whenever the girl’s parents were on the news.
He said, “I heard the police found a new clue.”
“All they can do now is hope they find the body.”
“She might be alive.”
“Optimism is a sliver of glass in your heart.”
“That from another song?”
“From my father.”
He smiled at her. She loved the way the lines around his eyes crinkled. “Babe, I know I asked you to stay away from the news, but I think you should know something.”
Rick wasn’t smiling anymore. She felt her heart lurch in her chest.
“Is she dead?” Lydia put her hand to her throat. “Did they find Anna?”
“No, I would’ve told you right off. You know that.”
She did know that, but her heart was still racing.
“I saw it in the crime blotter this morning.” Rick was visibly reluctant, but he pushed on. “It happened three days ago. Paul Scott, architect, married to Claire Scott. They were downtown. Got robbed. Paul took the wrong end of a knife. Died before they got him to the hospital. Funeral’s tomorrow.”
The Mothers erupted into another round of cheering and clapping. Dee had somehow managed to get the ball again. Lydia watched her daughter sprint down the court. Dinner-Plate Hands snatched away the ball. Dee didn’t give up. She chased after the girl. She was fearless. She was fearless in every aspect of her life. And why wouldn’t she be? No one had ever slapped her down. Life hadn’t had a chance to hurt her. She had never lost anyone. She had never known the sorrow of having someone taken away.
Rick asked, “You gonna say something?”
Lydia had a lot to say, but she wasn’t going to let Rick see that side of her; that angry, brutal side that she’d anesthetized with coke and when the coke was too much, pushed down with food.
“Liddie?”
She shook her head. Tears streamed down her face. “I just hope he suffered.”
II
It’s your birthday today, the fourth birthday that has passed without you. As usual, I set aside some time to go through our family photos and let all of the memories wash over me. I only allow myself this pleasure once a year, because doling out these precious memories is what gets me through the countless, endless days without you.
My favorite photograph is from your first birthday. Your mother and I were far more excited than you were, though you were generally a happy baby. To you, this birthday was just another day. Nothing remarkable except the cake, which you immediately destroyed with your fists. There were only two of us on the guest list. Your mother said it was silly to publicly mark an event that you would never remember. I readily agreed, because I was selfish, and because I was never happier than when I had my girls all to myself.
I timed myself as the memories ebbed and flowed. Two hours. No more. No less. Then I carefully placed the pictures back into the box, closed the lid, and put them on the shelf for next year.
Next, as is my routine, I walked to the sheriff’s office. He stopped returning my calls long ago. I could see the dread in his eyes when he saw me through the glass partition.
I am his challenger. I am his failure. I am his pathetic pain in the ass who won’t accept the truth that his daughter walked away.
Our first birthday without you, I went to the sheriff’s office and calmly requested to read all of the files pertaining to your case. He refused. I threatened to call the newspaper. He told me to go ahead. I went to the payphone in the lobby. I slotted in a quarter. He came over and hung up the phone and told me to follow him back into the squad room.
We performed this same kabuki theater year after year until finally, this year, he gave up without a fight. A deputy led me back to a small interrogation room where they had laid out copies of all the files pertaining to your investigation. He offered me a glass of water, but I pointed to my lunch box and thermos and told him I was fine.
There is no clear narrative to a police report. Your file has no beginning, middle, and end. There are summaries of witness statements (most of their names unhelpfully blacked out), handwritten notes from detectives that use a language I have yet to master, statements that have proven to be false and others suspected to be false (again, blacked out) statements that have proven to be true (everybody lies to some degree when questioned by the police) and interview notes with a paltry list of suspects (yes, their names are all blacked out like the others).