I rolled Lindy’s words over in my mind as I observed my husband with a smile spread across his handsome, tired face. There were half-moons under his eyes. The sign of a benevolent doctor who put his patients before everything.
He sat up in the carved mahogany four-poster bed, bolstered himself up with some red, damask pillows behind his shoulders and let out a great yawn.
“You look exhausted,” I said, placing the breakfast tray in front of him.
“I am, but these pancakes cannot wait! You spoil me, Vivien, and you always seem to know what I’m in the mood for. You’re perfect in every way, you know that? Never change, honey.”
I thought of how he’d whispered in my ear at our dinner party.
“I wish I could,” I answered. “I wish I could believe you.”
“You must believe me, honey.” He put the tray aside and pulled me toward him. “You’re beautiful. Come lie down, and let’s spend the morning making love.”
“For recreation? Or something more?”
He chuckled as if I were joking. “Honey, you know the deal. No kids, remember?”
I bit my tongue. Right now wasn’t the moment for an argument. I hated that Ashton always used protection when we had sex. But it also gave me hope. He had said he didn’t want kids, but if he really, really didn’t want kids, he would’ve had some kind of medical intervention by now, surely? And he hadn’t, so there was still that window open. I pictured what a son of ours would look like. I wondered if he’d inherit my looks or Ashton’s. If our child would have brown eyes like him, or blue eyes like me. I assumed brown because brown is the dominant gene. I wondered if he’d be tall like Ashton.
“Come here,” Ashton said, nudging me out of my reverie.
“Hold on, I’ll just go freshen up.” I headed to the bathroom, and even though I had already brushed my teeth, I brushed them again. Splashed cool water on my face and took several deep breaths, then faced myself in the mirror and took a long hard stare at the woman before me, feeling defeated, like I’d lost a part of myself—the good part—and for a moment, I wondered what my sense of purpose was in life.
When I came back into the bedroom, Ashton was fast asleep, the food only half eaten. I drew the silken damask curtains closed and left a note on top of the bedroom hearth. I decided to head out for work, even though it was Saturday and my day off. Ashton would be out for the count all day, probably, so there was no point waiting around for him to wake up. I needed to go to Community Promise and sort out Cady, the sixteen-year-old girl from a broken family.
I started the car and called Lindy.
“Lindy, thanks for last night. You cheered me up so much with that ice cream.”
She laughed her special raucous Lindy-laugh. “Oh, honey, I was doing what any friend would do. Everything okay at home? I’ve been thinking round the clock about what you should do about Ashton.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if anything like that happens again you call me straight away and I’ll have words with him myself! There’s nothing worse than a bully. Picking on someone who isn’t your size, I can’t abide that.”
“Lindy, please. Everything’s fine. Please don’t jump to conclusions all because of that silly bruise.” I changed the subject. “I feel badly I haven’t gotten to know your kids that well yet. I hardly got a chance last night.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to involve them yesterday because I wanted you all to myself! Come over next week. They say the weather’s going to be gorgeous, so how about a barbecue? I do a great oyster roast too.”
“That would be great. I can’t wait to spend time with Sally and Billy. I love kids so much. I guess for now Community Promise will have to do.”
“Aren’t you planning on having your own kids soon?”
I hesitated, not knowing how much I should share. “I’d love to, but Ashton isn’t on board yet. I guess he has all the time in the world. We women don’t have that luxury. Ashton’s thirty-nine—that’s a newborn chick in male terms, right? I read that Richard Gere fathered a kid at seventy. For a woman, forty’s over the hill, yet for a man… well, it’s not fair, is it? I’m nearly thirty-five, I can’t wait forever.”
Lindy snorted. “Ashton doesn’t want kids?”
“I need to convince him. He just doesn’t seem to jell with children that much. That, or he doesn’t want me spoiling my figure by getting pregnant and putting on weight.” Then I added, “That was a joke, by the way. Of course, he wouldn’t care if I put on weight. It’s just he’s very busy at the hospital. I think he’s stalling because he wants to be a very hands-on dad, you know? And right now, he doesn’t have the time.”
Lindy sighed. “That’s a shame. A real shame. But maybe, in the scheme of things, Vivien, it’s a blessing in disguise?”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe he doesn’t even deserve your kids. If he doesn’t show—I mean really prove—in every single way how much he loves you, then, honey, I think you better look elsewhere. I’m saying this to you as a friend. You’re still young, don’t waste yourself on the wrong man.”
“Oh dear, Lindy, I think you have the wrong impression. Ashton and I—”
“You take care now, and I’m on standby if you need me, ya hear?”
I needed to cut this conversation short. “Listen, I better go because I’m late and I need to talk to this new girl, Cady, who’s just arrived at the center. She’s a sixteen-year-old runaway and she really needs my help.”
“I don’t know how you do it,” she said. “You’re busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox! It’s like you’ve got energy for twenty people, always putting others first.”
I laughed. “Speak soon. I’m definitely up for the barbecue, and I know Ashton will be too.”
“Well, don’t blame me if I give him the evil eye.”
“Please don’t, Lindy! I swear to God, Ashton and I are doing great. Please don’t stir things up. He hasn’t done anything!”
“You’re too sweet, you know that? Come next Saturday, six o’clock? Casual.”
I put the car into drive and as I was pulling away something made me look back at the house. There was Ashton standing on the upper porch outside the bedroom looking longingly after me. He gave me a sad little wave as if to say, You abandoned me?
It genuinely seemed like he was a man who was crazy in love.
I felt my heart break, just a little.
Six
As well as a shelter, Community Promise was a day center for our “guests”—as we called them—to receive mail, do laundry, complete employment and housing searches in our computer center, and discuss plans with whichever case manager was on duty. Today, it was Susan’s rota, a friendly, warm woman who had been working here for several years. I was sure she could use some help. It was all go-go-go, people hustling around the Xerox machine and busy staring at screens and talking on phones. In that moment we had about ten teenagers we were helping. I’d had personal success with several, namely an eighteen-year-old named Tom, who had been sexually assaulted, and a battered woman who had found refuge here from her husband. Both had started new jobs at a local boatyard.