“That’s not my concern at all,” he argued. “It’s about me being lonely.”
I snorted.
“And see that?” He pointed at me. “You don’t laugh anymore. You’ll snort or huff or smirk a little.”
That killed my humor, and I turned my stare to the ceiling instead.
It wasn’t easy trying to relax and shoot the shit and joke around when you barely got any sleep.
Pop wondered why my grades were tanking? That was why. I couldn’t focus worth a damn, because I got about two or three hours of sleep each night.
“I think you need to get laid,” he said. “That would cheer you up.”
Man, he was dumb as a box of rocks sometimes.
“I’m good in that department.”
I was met by silence, and I didn’t know why, but I felt the need to glance over at him.
He watched me pensively, hesitantly, and chewed on his lip. “Damn.”
“What?” I asked.
He tried to shrug it off and act aloof. “Nothin’. Just learned even my lame brother’s gotten laid, and I haven’t.”
Wait, what? He was the one who’d told me to get… I was so confused.
“First of all, I haven’t said shit about my experience,” I replied. “Second of all, you’re still a virgin? You act like a fucking whore in school.”
He glared. “Fuck you. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Oh, I didn’t? He was out every goddamn Friday and Saturday—and now, in the summer, even some weekdays—he regularly came home drunk, and he always talked about fucking and getting sucked and whatnot. In short, my brother was always on the prowl. Always hunting.
It was a little funny.
“Why the fuck are you smiling?” he growled.
“Shouldn’t that make you happy?” I retorted. “I’m finally findin’ somethin’ funny.”
He rolled his eyes.
“So, you’re strikin’ out a lot, huh?” I dragged myself up to sit on the edge of the bed.
He shot me a scowl. “Hardly for lack of offers.”
I believed him. Despite the fact that I didn’t move in the same social circles he did, guys had their way of tracking me down ’cause we were two of the very few gay dudes who were out. Plus, we were objectively hot as fuck.
Reese lost some of the hostility and muttered, “So who’ve you fucked?”
“No one.” I shrugged.
He turned dubious. “You don’t strike me as a bottom.”
“I’m not.” Not really, anyway. I mean, technically, I couldn’t be sure. I hadn’t tried either. But the idea of being a bottom held zero appeal. Mostly. “I said I’m good in that department, as in, I’m not fuckin’ interested. Not that I had a string of hookups following me around.” I shrugged. “I get head every now and then. That’s enough for now.”
I hadn’t even kissed anyone. I wasn’t interested.
“Oh. Same as me, then.” Reese pinched his bottom lip, forehead creased in thought. “I’m not some whore, Riv. I’m just trying to find someone I’m attracted to, and…nothing.”
Something inside me eased away, as if there’d been tension I hadn’t been aware of.
“I know the feeling.” I scooted back to lean against the wall, and I pulled one leg up. “If I’m not into it, I can’t do it. Literally.”
Reese grinned faintly and abandoned his bed for mine.
That was new. Actually, it was old, but he hadn’t even sat on my bed for almost a year.
I did my best to suppress the part of me that wanted to cry with both relief and desperation. And I was desperate. I didn’t feel okay. I wasn’t happy. Reese was right; I walked around like a zombie and had shadows under my eyes.
Apathy was my only break.
“Why did we stop talking like this, Riv?” He mirrored my position and sat next to me. “You’ve been pushin’ me away since Ma died.”
Dammit. Some things never changed. He was still too blunt.
I didn’t wanna talk about it, ’cause I’d have to admit that I missed having him close to me.
I stared at his leg almost touching mine. Our AC unit was shit, so we walked around in basketball shorts and nothing else, and it would be so easy to just reach out and…yet, so goddamn hard, because our parents had tainted everything. They’d turned our “touching” into something bad. They’d never understood that Reese was my source of energy. Having him wrapped around me or holding him had recharged my batteries my whole life, and now it wasn’t okay anymore.
Maybe an inch or two separated us now.
I swallowed the misery threatening to resurface.
“Hey.” He nudged me. “Talk to me.”
I couldn’t. Suddenly, everything inside me felt like a ticking timebomb, and opening my mouth would set shit off. So I shook my head, even though I knew he wouldn’t accept it.
“Something’s wrong, Riv. I ain’t blind.” He hooked his arm with mine and scooted closer, effectively gluing our legs together, and it nearly did me in.
“I’m tired,” I managed to get out.
My heart drummed faster, my ears felt hot, and there was no way I could look him in the eye.
It was fucking mortifying.
“Wh…” He stopped talking, and his eyes were on me. I sensed him studying me, puzzling crap together, and I did everything I could to keep my face composed.
“Boys!” Pop yelled.
I jumped at the sound and quickly put some distance between us and reached for my magazine. Pop opened the door to our room a beat later. Holy shit. A rushing sound invaded my ears, and I couldn’t imagine I looked innocent.
“What’s up?” Reese asked casually.
“I’m headin’ down to the bar for supper,” Pop replied. “I left y’all a twenty for pizza in the kitchen.”
Why did we even come here? Pop took every chance he got to be somewhere else.
“All right,” Reese answered.
Pop didn’t close the door. It was a thing. He had no issues leaving—in fact, he preferred it—but the door to our room stayed open. It was a statement. A silent reminder. No funny business. Except, there was nothing funny about this at all.
Reese didn’t move a muscle until we heard Pop walk out the front door, but then he slid off the bed and told me to lie down.
I frowned. “Why?”
“Because I’ve been an idiot,” he said, walking over to the window. He popped it open. “So have you—you should’ve fucking reminded me—but I’ll go easy on you this time. Just lie down.”
If he pulled some stunt, I’d beat his ass…
I tossed the magazine on the floor and eyed him warily, then lay down on my side and adjusted the pillows under my head.
“Make room.” He surprised me by lying down beside me.
I swallowed uneasily, and a bucket of hope started spilling over. Was he for real?
When he closed the distance and pulled me close, I almost shattered. I screwed my eyes shut and shuddered violently.
A year ago, this had been nothing. It’d been normal, something we did every day. Now I didn’t know how to act or where to put my hands.