Without asking permission, his hands were back on me, pulling me to my feet, arousing me.
Don't let me go. Don't send me back to my solitude. A horrible realization had just settled around me. I was hurt. I couldn't run next Thursday. And fall was ending soon. There wouldn't be any reason for him to mow this lawn in the coming weeks. When would I see him next? The panic was rising in my chest. How was I supposed to breathe without Thursdays?
Once the realization hit, everything sped up. Before I even realized it, he was pulling his truck into my driveway. No. I couldn't imagine leaving his truck. It smelled like him with a hint of more grass in the air. I was obsessed with the smell. Just as obsessed as I was with him.
He cut the engine.
My breath hitched. He couldn't come in. Why did he stop the truck? What was he doing? My mind was at war with itself. Come in. I wanted to beg him. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and beg him to stay. It felt like I was seconds away from bursting into tears. The war in my mind was too intense. Especially when the choice was so obvious.
"If you want, I can swing by tomorrow or something?" he said. "I'll bring you lunch. It'll be too hard for you to move around."
Please. "That's not necessary..."
"Really, I don't mind. I did put those bags on the curb. It's my fault that you're hurt."
It was your abs' fault. "I'll be okay, Ben." I pushed open the door and managed to somehow climb out of his truck without hurting myself even further. I pulled out the crutches behind me without making eye contact with him.
"Let me at least help you get inside..."
"I'm fine." The words were harsh. Much too harsh. And even more untrue. I'm so sorry. But I needed him to hate me. I needed to make sure he'd never come back. It was for his own safety.
"Addy?"
My whole life, I had so badly wanted someone to call me that. And from his lips? The sound was too sweet. I didn't deserve sweet.
"Can I at least..."
I slammed the door closed to muffle his words. I didn't look back as I limped up the sidewalk.
Chapter 6
The sobs I had been holding escaped my throat when I closed the front door behind me. They raked my whole body. I would have been stumbling even if I wasn't balancing on crutches. I needed my medicine. That was the reason I was feeling this way. I was late taking it, and it was the only thing that could calm me down.
I hobbled into the kitchen and threw open the drawer where I kept my pills. At least, the ones I wasn't hiding. My fingers wrapped around the container I needed and I fumbled with the lid. Why do they make these so freaking hard to open? I knocked the container to the floor and the pills spilled in every direction. They rolled across the spotless tiles, under the table, under the oven. Damn it.
I crouched down to grab one off the floor and winced at the pain in my ankle. Down on all fours on the cold tile, I had an epiphany. I was in pain. Not just physically, but mentally. Anguish. My mind was full of complete and utter anguish.
I wiped away the tears under my eyes. It had been the first time in months that I cried. That I felt anything but fear. I didn't want to be numb anymore. I didn't want to take the pills. Why were they forcing me to take them? Why didn't I have a choice? I deserved a say in my own damned life.
This time, I didn't worry about the neighbors overhearing me. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed and tore the drawer from its hinges, dumping the contents to the floor.
I let myself feel. I let myself hurt. I let myself remember.
Until I couldn't bear it. Until I couldn't shed another tear. Until my body was as exhausted as my mind.
My fingers wandered across the floor until I found a sleeping pill. I was done with the others. But I couldn't take any more pain today. I placed it in my mouth and swallowed it down without any water. And then I curled up on the cold floor and willed sleep to come.
***
The light shining harshly through the window woke me up. The setting sun always seemed to weasel its way through the closed blinds. I blinked and sat up off the floor. I had slept through the whole day. I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept so soundlessly.
But at what cost? My back ached and the pain in my ankle was throbbing. The combination of my swollen ankle and the pills scattered around the kitchen brought everything back to me.
I had been so close to him. Ben. I smiled to myself. Ben Jones. So close, and I pushed him away. Why? I wrapped my arms around myself. His touch had heated me. And now I’d never see him again. I couldn’t walk. Soon the air would turn cold and crisp, and the grass would stop growing. I’d have to wait until the spring. A whole winter without him seemed impossibly daunting.
I eyed the pills on the floor. It was tempting to take one. I was supposed to take one. Instead, I crawled around the floor, pushing all the pills along with me. When I reached the sink I stood up on my good leg and dumped all the pills in the sink.
My fingers flipped the switch and the garbage disposal churned to life. I took a long, slow breath as I watched my pills being ground to dust. My mind was clearer than it had been in months. I knew exactly what I was doing. My memories made sense. I had slept for once. I felt great.
I looked down at my ankle. And for the first time, I realized I had left my shoe at my neighbor’s house. Sitting in their pristine living room. A laugh escaped my throat. What on earth would they think about that? If Ben was having an affair with the woman that lived there, she’d be furious when she saw it. She’d think he was cheating on her. She’d break up with them.
A smile had formed on my lips. I laughed and shook away the thought. It didn’t matter what Ben Jones’ relationship status was. I was never going to see him again.
I hopped over to the fridge and pulled open the door to the freezer. The effort made me yawn. I could get used to this new exhaustion. Sleeping was better than being conscious. As long as my dreams didn’t morph into nightmares. I pulled out an ice pack and slowly made my way toward the living room.
The room was as barren as my neighbors’. Like them, I also didn’t have a family. There were no messy kids running around leaving sticky fingerprints everywhere. No one to bring laughter to my home. And there never would be. I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
Normally, I never stepped foot in the living room. But I was somehow still exhausted. The stairs weren’t an option right now. I collapsed on the sofa. Before my eyelids shut, I couldn’t help but realize that my walls were bare too. Not completely. Expensive artwork was displayed. But there wasn’t a single picture of me. Which was odd, because I had so many pictures.
Chapter 7
My eyes flew open. It felt like my heart was beating faster than it ever had. God. The dream had been so real. I took a deep breath to calm my rapid heart rate. It was like Ben was right here. Holding me. Kissing me. I touched the side of my neck. His lips had felt so real. The coolness of my fingertips was jarring. Why was it so cold in here? I reached for a blanket but remembered I wasn’t in my bed.
A knock on the door almost caused me to tumble off the couch. But I caught myself at the last second. Pain seared in my left hand. The one that Ben had bandaged. No wonder it was so easy to dream about his touch.