Then the terrible teen years came, and I was unofficially banished from the workshop. I continued with my own projects, having been infected with the compulsion to create, and ended up studying electrical engineering at university before coming to work at Exordium.
Kawa sees me in the crowd and beams. I grin back. I don’t get to create as much in my role as Chief Research Scientist now, but I still get to support some phenomenal technology.
“Ms. Simpson! I’m so glad you were able to make it!”
At his acknowledgment, the cheer of the crowds mellows but everyone is still smiling at Kawa’s feat. His exuberant greeting makes me happy. We met at university and kept in touch. Kawa went on to get his PhD while I went into industry. By the time he finished with his research, I was in a position to add him to a team. We need passionate talent like his.
I’m his boss, and in front of other colleagues we act like it, but we also share something that resembles friendship. I haven’t spoken to him for too long. The smile is harder to keep on my face at that thought.
“Dr. Zal, I heard you made a breakthrough and came right away. I seem to have missed the show but I’m sure I’ll get a detailed report.”
Kawa winks at me, “Yes, it will all be in a report. So many reports. We were able to get past the expense of having to use additive manufacturing by figuring out a molecular self-assembly method.”
One of Kawa’s lab partners pats him on the back, “Just think of how much more budget we’ll be able to get now!”
Some of Kawa’s joy dims but he nods. Kawa has been working hard to cut down on all the expenses so that the company might be able to offer the product and ensuing procedures at an affordable cost. He’s the youngest in his family and all of his brothers had joined the military. One of his brothers coming home with extensive scarring had prompted the direction of Kawa’s research. Exordium can serve as an avenue to provide the product to the market quicker than any other organization but there is always a price to pay.
I get closer to Kawa and bump shoulders with him. Keeping a good distance from his materials as I am sans lab coat, I lower my voice, “I’ll see what I can do, okay?”
Before my breakdown, I had been in talks with several organizations that were interested in working with Exordium to get the synthetic skin released through nonprofit means. It promised to be a bloody battle with the old guard in Exordium, but it’s something I wanted to work toward. Company culture be damned.
Kawa nods subdued but hopeful.
“This is fantastic progress though!” I’m not lying. Matthew’s skin is synthetic, but it’s a very different technology to be able to make something that can interface with existing physiology.
Kawa looks pleased, “I’m just happy to finally have progress. I know you’ll try your best. Thank you, Charlotte.” He raises his voice, “I’d say this is a hell of a welcome back to work!”
Chapter 3
The dark apartment cradles me in a loving embrace when I finally return to my sanctuary for the night. Keeping the lights off, I toe off my high heels and sprawl on the couch, breathing into the quiet blackness to just think. I’ve always enjoyed being in the dark, it’s so restful compared to the light. A lit room bursts with so many things: noise, people, expectations, every reaction so loud whether physically or just my own mental musings.
Like now. If I turn on the light, there will be a to-do list of tasks, droning with monotony: take a shower, find dinner, eat dinner, etc. All things that will satisfy me physically but mentally drill away meaning through tedium. A life echoing with sameness.
I shake myself from that dismissive line of thinking. Sane thoughts, I need to think sane, stable thoughts. Not thoughts that ponder the meaning of existence because I am going to order the same food from the same restaurant yet again.
Wait, no… no food deliveries. I groan, part of my therapy specifies that food either be prepared at home or physically picked up from a restaurant, bonus points are offered if I eat at said restaurant. Ritual helps curb the worst of my hermit-like behavior but starting work has switched up my routine enough to tempt slipping back into bad habits.
Mentally I shelve thoughts of dinner, not wanting either of the allowed options. I don’t need to think about that yet, I’m not hungry. Work might be a safe enough topic to allow myself to mull over.
My sigh echoes comfortably in the darkness. Today had been good, felt good. Other than the meeting with my “not-adversary” this morning, today had been about getting back in the rhythm of the projects the company had advanced in my absence. A boring but important part of my responsibilities. Soon I’d be able to indulge in what I really enjoyed, new project development.
I have goals in mind, other than going to the mats for Kawa’s synthetic skin. A project in particular that I can’t help being too attached to. It served as a driving factor in staying healthy. Last year was supposed to be the year. Then Dad had had his heart attack, and everything else had dulled.
Now that I have returned to work, I’ll keep my plans in my back pocket, preparing for a time that I can actualize them. It would be a struggle, but I need this project. I close my eyes for a moment and try to remember his laugh, but it’s been too long. Sean.
The trick would be how to get it done under the umbrella of Exordium.
Many of the projects the company works on involve improving failing organ systems, making the old look young, or bettering the convenience of medical methods. All those kinds of projects received unanimous shareholder approval because they pull in revenue and cater to the needs of people like them.
Anything too forward thinking faced contempt and fear. Eccentricities are better left to the work benches of mad scientists; having no place within corporations. Passion doesn’t pay the bills. Innovation has the ability to become a money sink and tank a company. The board’s job is to keep that from happening, hence Dad built Matthew in a basement workshop.
I roll my eyes at myself, Matthew. My mind reaches for him after I’ve restrained myself from thinking about him all day. The memory of this morning pulls me. It’s gravitational, ridiculous and constant. Maybe I should take this time to unwind, process the situation. Let myself remember the expression on his face when he had spoken about wanting to be friends, the warmth of his fingers when they had softly touched mine. Or not, yeah, those thoughts aren’t going anywhere healthy.
“Don’t be crazy.” Words spoken into the dark, annunciated with emphasis. The dark doesn’t seem to have anything to say to that until a knock sounds through it, making me jump up in surprise. Who the fuck?
“Charlotte?”
No, Matthew cannot be outside my sanctuary. We’ve lived on the same floor of this building since he’d become CEO and we hadn’t so much as shared an elevator ride outside of work hours. I had assumed we had been avoiding each other. Which I’d been onboard with, even if it felt ridiculous to look out the peephole before leaving my own apartment. Now, after all that effort he stands outside my door and I don’t know how I want to handle this.
“Charlotte, I know you’re in there… I can hear your heartbeat.”
Creepy. I stumble off the couch and hit the light switch. The comfort of darkness is gone, taking my peace of mind with it. The door stands solid and I hesitate before it. I’m still in business clothes, the armor I wore today when facing him. I know how to act at work, what to expect, how to accomplish what I need. But here, in my own apartment, I feel untethered and exposed, as if Matthew snuck in through a space in the walls I’d erected.